I totally get it and he should have spoken up to you even if you were busy. Either way this kind of stuff affects us all differently and you deal with it in your own way too if you get me, we all do.
Dump her. Tell her you are jealous just for the heck of it and you don't want to control who she spends time with. Move on and there is a high likelihood that she will come crawling back
I don’t know about the kids stuff but I’d tell him to look into all the studies that show how awful it is for you to consume. It hurts you’re relationships with women and literally changes your brain. If that’s not good enough for him then ask him if he’s ok with watching women be raped and abused. Porn seems harmless but they are real people and there’s no way to prove that they are consenting or even adults. If you regularly consume porn it’s very likely you’ve watched a woman or a child be raped. Ask him if he’d like it if you guys had a daughter and people were jerking off to her as early as the age of 13 with out her consent. It’s not a victimless choice to make. It’s also upsetting that he’s hiding sexual things from you that you’ve expressed you’re not comfortable with. Hope you can find some peace I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Unfortunately this is what it looks like it’s coming to. I’ve tried sleeping on the couch when i can’t fall back asleep, but she wakes up and flips out that i’m leaving the bed.
Four and a half hours to get yer freak on with some girl who is trying naked af to make relationship happen? Small potatoes. Lie and ask for more time? That cost nothing and gets you in the sack.
Lady, I have two questions to ask.
Is this the last man on the planet? When you were little, did your momma drop you on your head?
Walk away from this dude. He is trying to get some and you are too dumb to see it clearly because you are on some demented “i-can-change-him” powertrip that is oh so very popular with the ladies since we came down from the tree.
Oh and the rest of the angries out there – if you do not like what I have to say – block me and go drama elsewhere.
Your husband is a jerk and, because you “obeyed” him and enabled him to be a borderline-abusive bigot to your children for so long, it would be surprising to me if your children ever forgave you. Sorry.
Leave himmmmm. It has to be somewhat obvious that you're not all that into it but he still wants it? That's gross. Just the fact that he can be all that into it when you're likely noticeably in pain or uncomfortable is disgusting. Honestly could you say you would enjoy it if the situation were reversed?
You are a fucking awful , vile man. You are a terrible husband and will be a awful father. Your wife may have a scar (from defending you , you piece of shit) but YOU are the ugly one through and through .
She's cheating. Her downward spiral is in process and she will crash and burn with you in the relationship or without you. If you leave, you will avoid getting splashed by all the shit that will be thrown around when she crashes.
When you break up, and you absolutely need to, her problems are no longer your problems. If she makes threats like “I'll kill myself if you leave”, you call the police and tell her your ex is threatening to harm herself. Either she's really going to do it, and the police can detain her, turn her over to a psychiatric facility and she'll get help, or she's doing it for attention and having the cops show up will make it clear it didn't work.
If you have stopped using protection you are actively trying for a baby. Why would you be trying for a baby when there are problems in your relationship?
He's a master manipulator turning this into, “woe is me!” after fully disrespecting in a very public manner. That's not ok. You should be pissed, and that you aren't tells me you're a saint.
Therapy is worthwhile if he's willing to do the work to understand why he's so quick to turn on you. Him denigrating you does not make him look good, if that's what he thinks. It just shows people there are major issues in your relationship.
You need individual therapy. You need to learn how to defend yourself and build boundaries, and a therapist can give you the tools to do this. “I will not stay with a partner who publicly humiliates me,” is not an unreasonable boundary, but you have to be willing to stick to the boundary and consequences to any boundary you set for boundaries to mean anything.
Kids actually do better with happy divorced parents than miserable married ones. Negative marriages that people stay in for the kids have been shown to have adverse effects on kids later in life.
Divorce is change so of course it can be difficult for kids but with the right research, approach and positive co-parenting it doesn't have to be something that traumatized the kids, and as for the money it's not you taking it for yourself it is forthem, don't let your pride stand in the way of them having every opportunity they can get. He as a parent has a duty to provide a percentage of their care just as you would. Now that may be what he pays to maintain his household so he can keep them 50% of the time which means no child support, great. But if he isn't providing 50% of the day to day care he should be contributing to their home life financially ensuring their quality of life doesn't decrease.
Ordinarily I wouldn't suggest it, but this might be the time to play dirty. How much dirt do you have on him? Has he committed any felonies lately? The idea is to make him look as bad to the Family Court as possible. Drugs are one thing the court frowns upon when it comes to adults around children, especially if it's something stronger than pot. This idiot of a judge needs to understand the entire circumstances as to why you think it's a bad idea for your sperm donor to have any contact with your son. However, you must be honest. If you make up an allegation, your credibility as a witness goes out the window
Wooooah, there – there's nothing positive (for either of them) you can do in this situation by bringing this up. You can distance or remain friends, but do not try anything with this guy. You don't want someone who'd bail on their partner for you, and you're more likely to get kicked to the curb if you try to woo him anyways because doing that is rightfully seen as scummy. If they break up on their own you *maybe* could broach it eventually, but definitely don't encourage that for the same reason as not making a move on him.
TLDR; I'm sorry you've caught feels without knowing it couldn't work, but you're not getting this guy 99 times out of 100.
Have you read those books broski? We can't compete. Just let them have this one. Her enjoying these books does not mean she's dissatisfied with your sex life.
I know people in successful relationships with significant age gaps. My uncle recently married his husband. His husband is lovely, and has had a really amazing affect on him. He is about the same age as my older brother. No one really cared. For context, my uncle is sixty.
Just like every other relationship, what matters most is that the relationship is healthy and you're both happy, there are no power or control imbalances, and you both receive due respect.
It sounds like he wasn't on the look out for a young twenty something but you two just stumbled across each other. If this is something you want to pursue, educate yourself on what toxic behaviours are most seen in age gap relationships. Arm yourself with knowledge, just make sure it's unbiased in either direction.
For the record, I don't think 10 years is that bad (like 30-40, 40-50 etc). I'm wary about those in early to mid twenties. I do think you're quite young, but it also sounds like you two hit it off and haven't had any issues before knowing the difference.
But if this makes you uncomfortable, that's okay too. You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. It works for some, and doesn't for others. If it's not for you, I don't think anyone will judge you for it. This is all your decision. Do what makes you happy.
Given he also displayed some discomfort, you two might very well have the same feelings, so he should be pretty understanding about your concerns and whatever you decide to do.
Age gaps aren't really that taboo anymore. Unless you're on Reddit. I'll probably get downvoted to hell.
I would stop bringing up these serious conversations with him. Just focus on being friends and keeping things lighthearted. It seems like you want to spill everything too fast. You don’t NEED to clear the air for things to return back to normal. Just start talking to him again as normal, like nothing happened. Let him make the moves but i think these serious convos make people have to decide big feelings before they are ready to. Just be relaxed and friendly. Like “yo I’m getting coffee you want some” don’t bring up another big past conflict. Just move on in the positive
Time for a massive change. If that comic resonated with you, you're gonna find yourself dying alone if you don't fix your shit.
Call your kids. Tell them your wife has opened your eyes to the fact that you're an NPC in your own life, and you'd like to make things right with them and have them more in your life. Ask them to meet up for a beer or something.
And your wife…Observe all the shit she has to do for you. Housework? Setting appointments for the doctor? Meals? Take up the mantle and get things done. Reduce her load. And then at least twice a month (put it on your phone calendar!) plan something for you to do. Plan all of it and let her just go along with it. Go out for burgers. Go for hikes. See a movie. Play checkers at the park. It doesn't have to be complicated.
I think if I were in your shoes I would tell him something like this.
“Listen, from my point of view this counts as full blown cheating just because of how far it went. But the fact that you came to me right away and told me makes me think we can work past it and I can still trust you. But before we go any further I need to KNOW that you’ve told me everything and you’re not holding anything back. Like I said this already feels like cheating so if it went farther than you said at first it’s not going to be any worse on my end, but I need to know I can trust you to tell me everything. So I’m giving you one more opportunity right now: can you tell me EVERYTHING that happened? Not leaving a single detail out, or holding anything back? This is important to me, I think I can work past this if I know everything but if I ever find out you held back any detail this will have to be over because it will mean I could t trust you to be honest after all. Full amnesty right now, but I need to know everything.”
Then just see what he says and gauge his reaction, see if it feels truthful to you.
Oh, if they are also in the military, this is huge, no no. If he was her supervisor, that is big time no no. They both can be brought up on charges. Unless something has changed recently, adultery is still criminal in the military.
Please dont be stupid enough to stay in a relationship when you're the third wheel. Cause i cant figure out why Youre even still with her when this is going on.
She is likely mad because you have the attitude that you are showing to us here on Reddit. “It's just a day. I'll get you stuff another time”. You need to understand where she's coming from. Hope you can have some compassion.
I am sad bc all these comments are me. 3 years. Constant red flags ignored. Feeling used naive gullible furious. Furious at the sheer depth and breadth of his deception and manipulation. Furious at myself for believing in his excuses and justifications and blame displacement. Despondent knowing that he will never be held accountable for the hurt he has caused to so many women and the cause he will undoubtedly continue to cause so many more.
Not really, he says that I just have to ask and he will help with what I need. He doesn't understand that I need alone time but tries to respect it by letting me have time alone in my office to watch netflix or whatever.
Happened before you meet. You rush in – ask her clearly upset – did you sleep with my friend?
This is what happens – you were judgmental – about something that happened BEFORE you became an item. She tries to escape this line of questioning because – surprise surprise – she likes you and try to kill off the discussion by lying. I agree – lying is not good – but it was your own attitude that put her in this situation.
I agree she should not have lied – but your reaction and “holier then you” push the matter. Told you split up – you will not be able to let this go.
And – she should not have slept with your friend – but the lying – you asked for something that does not concern you – so I would say that is a pass.
That’s OPs whole issue though?!
BADUM TISSSS!
I totally get it and he should have spoken up to you even if you were busy. Either way this kind of stuff affects us all differently and you deal with it in your own way too if you get me, we all do.
Dump her. For real. Bro, get up and walk away ?
Dump her. Tell her you are jealous just for the heck of it and you don't want to control who she spends time with. Move on and there is a high likelihood that she will come crawling back
Both 25.
Lol big L
Did you research this breed? They’re working dogs & need regular mental stimulation. This is why they do so well as police dogs
I don’t know about the kids stuff but I’d tell him to look into all the studies that show how awful it is for you to consume. It hurts you’re relationships with women and literally changes your brain. If that’s not good enough for him then ask him if he’s ok with watching women be raped and abused. Porn seems harmless but they are real people and there’s no way to prove that they are consenting or even adults. If you regularly consume porn it’s very likely you’ve watched a woman or a child be raped. Ask him if he’d like it if you guys had a daughter and people were jerking off to her as early as the age of 13 with out her consent. It’s not a victimless choice to make. It’s also upsetting that he’s hiding sexual things from you that you’ve expressed you’re not comfortable with. Hope you can find some peace I’m sorry you’re going through this.
He does not respect you and u need to leave him
I try to avoid the “dump the m0therfker already” bandwagon, but this is remarkably disrespectful
Ya see response to other comment for toxic examples
Unfortunately this is what it looks like it’s coming to. I’ve tried sleeping on the couch when i can’t fall back asleep, but she wakes up and flips out that i’m leaving the bed.
Four and a half hours to get yer freak on with some girl who is trying naked af to make relationship happen? Small potatoes. Lie and ask for more time? That cost nothing and gets you in the sack.
Lady, I have two questions to ask.
Is this the last man on the planet? When you were little, did your momma drop you on your head?
Walk away from this dude. He is trying to get some and you are too dumb to see it clearly because you are on some demented “i-can-change-him” powertrip that is oh so very popular with the ladies since we came down from the tree.
Oh and the rest of the angries out there – if you do not like what I have to say – block me and go drama elsewhere.
You are not a terrible person for wanting to live!. Period. It doesn’t sound like you haven’t done a lot of thinking about this.
My former partner used to criticize me under the guise of “wanting to help me be better”. It turns out I was much better without him.
So just ask her why she’s gotta harsh your mellow…
So basically your a bit of a over thinker …
And allow her to buy out so she can go NC. This is going to hurt continuously forever.
Your husband is a jerk and, because you “obeyed” him and enabled him to be a borderline-abusive bigot to your children for so long, it would be surprising to me if your children ever forgave you. Sorry.
and how did all that domesticity work out for you, huh?
Leave himmmmm. It has to be somewhat obvious that you're not all that into it but he still wants it? That's gross. Just the fact that he can be all that into it when you're likely noticeably in pain or uncomfortable is disgusting. Honestly could you say you would enjoy it if the situation were reversed?
You are a fucking awful , vile man. You are a terrible husband and will be a awful father. Your wife may have a scar (from defending you , you piece of shit) but YOU are the ugly one through and through .
She was trying to make him jealous by being all over the other guy, and it worked.
She's cheating. Her downward spiral is in process and she will crash and burn with you in the relationship or without you. If you leave, you will avoid getting splashed by all the shit that will be thrown around when she crashes.
When you break up, and you absolutely need to, her problems are no longer your problems. If she makes threats like “I'll kill myself if you leave”, you call the police and tell her your ex is threatening to harm herself. Either she's really going to do it, and the police can detain her, turn her over to a psychiatric facility and she'll get help, or she's doing it for attention and having the cops show up will make it clear it didn't work.
If you have stopped using protection you are actively trying for a baby. Why would you be trying for a baby when there are problems in your relationship?
You're not mad? Wake up!
He's a master manipulator turning this into, “woe is me!” after fully disrespecting in a very public manner. That's not ok. You should be pissed, and that you aren't tells me you're a saint.
Therapy is worthwhile if he's willing to do the work to understand why he's so quick to turn on you. Him denigrating you does not make him look good, if that's what he thinks. It just shows people there are major issues in your relationship.
You need individual therapy. You need to learn how to defend yourself and build boundaries, and a therapist can give you the tools to do this. “I will not stay with a partner who publicly humiliates me,” is not an unreasonable boundary, but you have to be willing to stick to the boundary and consequences to any boundary you set for boundaries to mean anything.
This woman was not my mom. If I go, it’ll definitely be for Carly and not her mother.
That feels like such a technicality.
Mortgage. Meaning he can’t sell or refi without her signature. The bank will not release the loan without her consent.
I was thinking of asking him directly to meet me at this event next week, but I have a bad feeling he won’t make it.
I really don’t think he has the time.
He doesn’t seem too strict in his faith. He’s dated non-Muslim women before.
But it’s looks like I need to move on.
Kids actually do better with happy divorced parents than miserable married ones. Negative marriages that people stay in for the kids have been shown to have adverse effects on kids later in life.
Divorce is change so of course it can be difficult for kids but with the right research, approach and positive co-parenting it doesn't have to be something that traumatized the kids, and as for the money it's not you taking it for yourself it is forthem, don't let your pride stand in the way of them having every opportunity they can get. He as a parent has a duty to provide a percentage of their care just as you would. Now that may be what he pays to maintain his household so he can keep them 50% of the time which means no child support, great. But if he isn't providing 50% of the day to day care he should be contributing to their home life financially ensuring their quality of life doesn't decrease.
That doesn't quite make sense, you can fully support another person but not get health assistance?
This man made me very uncomfortable just from reading your post.
His temper, betting money when you live! paycheck to paycheck? His controlling behaviour? Looking for stepdaughter p0rn?
He's a walking red flag waving more smaller red flags.
Kick him out.
It's already fixed until August this year then repayments are likely to almost double
Your husband doesn't get to make rules.
Just decline to follow the rule and get on with your life.
Ordinarily I wouldn't suggest it, but this might be the time to play dirty. How much dirt do you have on him? Has he committed any felonies lately? The idea is to make him look as bad to the Family Court as possible. Drugs are one thing the court frowns upon when it comes to adults around children, especially if it's something stronger than pot. This idiot of a judge needs to understand the entire circumstances as to why you think it's a bad idea for your sperm donor to have any contact with your son. However, you must be honest. If you make up an allegation, your credibility as a witness goes out the window
Unless they are sexual in nature, I dont think its a huge deal. You need to chill out.
Fr tho ?
It’s a reference to Wizard of Oz. The evil witch has flying monkeys who do her bidding.
…. A bio is a very simple thing to edit when your not screen sharing with your gf
What condoms are you going to check if you are 24 weeks pregnant? Are you serious? This is bullshit
I see this as more of a pawn to get OP into doing what he wants, IE not have a job, more so than he actually wants the baby.
Wooooah, there – there's nothing positive (for either of them) you can do in this situation by bringing this up. You can distance or remain friends, but do not try anything with this guy. You don't want someone who'd bail on their partner for you, and you're more likely to get kicked to the curb if you try to woo him anyways because doing that is rightfully seen as scummy. If they break up on their own you *maybe* could broach it eventually, but definitely don't encourage that for the same reason as not making a move on him.
TLDR; I'm sorry you've caught feels without knowing it couldn't work, but you're not getting this guy 99 times out of 100.
Have you read those books broski? We can't compete. Just let them have this one. Her enjoying these books does not mean she's dissatisfied with your sex life.
I know people in successful relationships with significant age gaps. My uncle recently married his husband. His husband is lovely, and has had a really amazing affect on him. He is about the same age as my older brother. No one really cared. For context, my uncle is sixty.
Just like every other relationship, what matters most is that the relationship is healthy and you're both happy, there are no power or control imbalances, and you both receive due respect.
It sounds like he wasn't on the look out for a young twenty something but you two just stumbled across each other. If this is something you want to pursue, educate yourself on what toxic behaviours are most seen in age gap relationships. Arm yourself with knowledge, just make sure it's unbiased in either direction.
For the record, I don't think 10 years is that bad (like 30-40, 40-50 etc). I'm wary about those in early to mid twenties. I do think you're quite young, but it also sounds like you two hit it off and haven't had any issues before knowing the difference.
But if this makes you uncomfortable, that's okay too. You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. It works for some, and doesn't for others. If it's not for you, I don't think anyone will judge you for it. This is all your decision. Do what makes you happy.
Given he also displayed some discomfort, you two might very well have the same feelings, so he should be pretty understanding about your concerns and whatever you decide to do.
Age gaps aren't really that taboo anymore. Unless you're on Reddit. I'll probably get downvoted to hell.
To your edit – Her favorite movie is Kiki's Delivery Service. I know because she talks about it all the time and named her cat Jiji.
You act like I know nothing about this girl when I've been buying her birthday gifts and everything for years
I would stop bringing up these serious conversations with him. Just focus on being friends and keeping things lighthearted. It seems like you want to spill everything too fast. You don’t NEED to clear the air for things to return back to normal. Just start talking to him again as normal, like nothing happened. Let him make the moves but i think these serious convos make people have to decide big feelings before they are ready to. Just be relaxed and friendly. Like “yo I’m getting coffee you want some” don’t bring up another big past conflict. Just move on in the positive
Time for a massive change. If that comic resonated with you, you're gonna find yourself dying alone if you don't fix your shit.
Call your kids. Tell them your wife has opened your eyes to the fact that you're an NPC in your own life, and you'd like to make things right with them and have them more in your life. Ask them to meet up for a beer or something.
And your wife…Observe all the shit she has to do for you. Housework? Setting appointments for the doctor? Meals? Take up the mantle and get things done. Reduce her load. And then at least twice a month (put it on your phone calendar!) plan something for you to do. Plan all of it and let her just go along with it. Go out for burgers. Go for hikes. See a movie. Play checkers at the park. It doesn't have to be complicated.
No problem, glad it helped!
I think if I were in your shoes I would tell him something like this.
“Listen, from my point of view this counts as full blown cheating just because of how far it went. But the fact that you came to me right away and told me makes me think we can work past it and I can still trust you. But before we go any further I need to KNOW that you’ve told me everything and you’re not holding anything back. Like I said this already feels like cheating so if it went farther than you said at first it’s not going to be any worse on my end, but I need to know I can trust you to tell me everything. So I’m giving you one more opportunity right now: can you tell me EVERYTHING that happened? Not leaving a single detail out, or holding anything back? This is important to me, I think I can work past this if I know everything but if I ever find out you held back any detail this will have to be over because it will mean I could t trust you to be honest after all. Full amnesty right now, but I need to know everything.”
Then just see what he says and gauge his reaction, see if it feels truthful to you.
Oh, if they are also in the military, this is huge, no no. If he was her supervisor, that is big time no no. They both can be brought up on charges. Unless something has changed recently, adultery is still criminal in the military.
Please dont be stupid enough to stay in a relationship when you're the third wheel. Cause i cant figure out why Youre even still with her when this is going on.
You cant invite someone to a wedding and not let them bring their spouse. Full stop.
She is likely mad because you have the attitude that you are showing to us here on Reddit. “It's just a day. I'll get you stuff another time”. You need to understand where she's coming from. Hope you can have some compassion.
That is the best way.
Those aren't even “nice” things to do for a partner. They're the bare minimum. I'd do those things for someone I don't like much.
I would leave the airtag at the lawyers office.
I am sad bc all these comments are me. 3 years. Constant red flags ignored. Feeling used naive gullible furious. Furious at the sheer depth and breadth of his deception and manipulation. Furious at myself for believing in his excuses and justifications and blame displacement. Despondent knowing that he will never be held accountable for the hurt he has caused to so many women and the cause he will undoubtedly continue to cause so many more.
Dude is working his ass off in some tropical labour camp, while a few kilometers down the beach he could enjoy a perfect cocktail on the beach.
There is no fence, he could literally walk there and start enjoying it.
This is why men and women cannot be friends. D
You're not supposed to rip the hair out with your teeth and eat it, you absolute doughnut.
Why do u tolerate this deadweight freeloader of a wife ? And why is she like that ?
Not really, he says that I just have to ask and he will help with what I need. He doesn't understand that I need alone time but tries to respect it by letting me have time alone in my office to watch netflix or whatever.
Happened before you meet. You rush in – ask her clearly upset – did you sleep with my friend?
This is what happens – you were judgmental – about something that happened BEFORE you became an item. She tries to escape this line of questioning because – surprise surprise – she likes you and try to kill off the discussion by lying. I agree – lying is not good – but it was your own attitude that put her in this situation.
I agree she should not have lied – but your reaction and “holier then you” push the matter. Told you split up – you will not be able to let this go.
And – she should not have slept with your friend – but the lying – you asked for something that does not concern you – so I would say that is a pass.
Please break up only thing to do.
Your mind can't be that deep if you can't fucking remember a single thing she told you lmao.
Sounds like you fucked up by not communicating to her. Maybe try that now and see where you get?
Is this happening right now??
Because if it is. He is in deep shit!
He had sex with his friends girlfriend during ramadan.
Big HARAM and he will for sure go to hell!
Tell him that!!