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What would the new job require of him?
Not sure why he can't explain to you why he doesn't want it. Press him on it, assuring him that he's fine not to take it. Can he trust you to keep quiet? Do you trust him?
As an older person, my advice to you would be to just continue on with amicably ending the relationship and not get into some big drama about the fact that she is still cheating. You already know she cheated. You're not going to stay together. So, the only consequence of you telling her you snooped and know she is still cheating is to ratchet up the drama, which could make getting your assets untangled more difficult. Because, at this point, there is a benefit for you if things stay amicable until your financials get sorted out. Over the years, I've watched a lot of divorces and end of partnerships that were a huge dumpster fire (and very costly), when they didn't need to be, because one person in the relationship wanted to punish the other. Just step back and end things as quickly and peaceably as you can.
Okay, first, its quite hard to enjoy dating when you have this one person constantly on the back of your mind. And you are only 28! You have so much life ahead of you, at no age, ever, should you feel like you have to settle because you're 'too old' there's no such thing.
Second. Yeah, of course you feel off, how can you possibly trust him? He dumped you in a horrible way, twice. Did not care at all about how you felt or what you wanted, and keeps coming back completely on his own terms because he suddenly wants to again.
Has he told you the reason he keeps breaking up with you? Has he told you why he feels it is acceptable to play with your emotions and your life like this? How can you possibly trust him NOT to sneak away like a thief in the night again, completely blindsiding you. Its a proven part of him now. This is just what he does.
Why did he do that? Why did he hurt you that suddenly and deeply TWICE? and you took him back both times.
I know he must be miles better than your last man, but this is not it. He is not a nice guy. Would you do this to him?
Please be the one to ghost him this time, and do so permanently. How often do you want to spend months disentangling financial affairs while he uses that time to change his mind and get you back.
You are so young, just entering the prime of your life! Your 30's are a powerful time. you can do so damn much better than a man who cannot be trusted, at all, even a little bit.
I'm seriously spinning, how does he justify treating you this way?
Maybe she realized sending out nudes of herself was a mistake and it’s not about giving you “energy.” She’s in med school. She doesn’t have energy and you’re lucky she finds time for you at all.
Yup! I agree. Just because we cry doesn't mean we make it about ourselves. Sometimes you're so pissed off all you can do is cry.
Crying is actually a form of healing/relief. Anyone who makes you feel bad for crying because of it is a jerk who needs to be in touch with their own emotions.
Ok, so she had some fun with her friends and some dude play flirted with her. End of story, right? She didn’t make out with him, blow him right there, or sleep with him. She later told you about it.
Is she not allowed to have fun? It’s ok for you to feel upset, but nothing happened here.
same, I would never cover for anyone who tried to get me to lie about them cheating, but not everyone can say the same unfortunately. have you met his sisters? what kinda vibe do you get from them?
First off, why yall having sex with other people around anyways? Sex is supposed to be a sacred, intimate thing. Not something you enjoy drunkenly with friends a wall away. That's just shallow & insincere.
Have you tried having…. meaningful sex with no distractions? Something that involves your mind's clarity & connected emotions?? I promise you, it's much better than this odd hookup culture you young kids do these days.
Now regardless of your play-by-play after what she said, I would agree what she said wasn't very clear, especially since yall pushed through the lack of privacy in the past. But you also need to ask yourself why she felt the need to be passive with you? Why she didn't feel comfortable being forward in her words? That says more about you than it does her.
Next girlfriend:
A) Don't have drunken party sex, that's for teenagers who have a curfew. You're an adult, get a place to on-line and utilize its capacity.
B) Be a man who your woman can feel fully comfortable with telling you like it is. That means tender, loving words of affirmation daily, & gentle touches that remind her of being beautiful, not some sex object of the month. Do this & you won't have communication errors on her end, I promise.
Finally, do remember all apologies are for you to better yourself (peace of mind), and give the receiver confirmation that you're changing. You can give her an apology, but she doesn't owe you her time, or forgiveness. Rather she forgives you & it does help her, is up to her.
Just remember you are worthy of love and respect and don’t let your feelings for him compromise that x
congrats on being sober! however she doesnt kniw that. tell her
Thank you for the advice
When people hit on my husband, he would take care of it himself. “I'm happily married and I'm not interested”.
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Again, good. I’m glad I misunderstood that part of your post. The last people who should be dealing with the consequences of any of this are your children.
Yeah, those ain’t it. It means favorite person, it’s a concept where people with her condition get especially attached to one person in particular and become codependent on them. They don’t yet have a solid sense of self so they base their state on how their relationship with their FP is going. They will idealize them, and when things are good, they’re great, better than they’ve ever been. But when they aren’t going great, they’re worse then they’ve ever been. It’s like how most people get attached to others, but much more intense. She is capable of flip flopping between “We love each other so much” to legitimately asking me “Why does he hate me?”, in a span of minutes. It’s a difficult dynamic to convey and do service to. I’ve seen her go through it with others, and I almost became her favorite person myself there, but she knows it’s unhealthy and she can’t control it, it happens with proximity and time. She doesn’t get to pick and she worries it will ruin her relationship like she feels it has in past ones. I think that’s part of why she was so guarded with me, she never wanted me to be in that position because she doesn’t want to hurt either of us like that.
You've fallen for the Sunken Cost Fallacy.
Their friendship is making you insecure, but in reality you can’t do anything about it. Either you trust HER or you don’t regardless of what Luke may or may not do.
Work on your insecurities and if she leaves you for like well that’s that. Not trusting your partner is a sure way of pushing them away emotionally.
I met my husband when we were both 35. It’s all good.
Well just walk in his shoes. Would you be ok if he had a female friend whom he spent more time with and talked with while also knowing she has a crush on him?
Relationship sometimes require you altering your life because your entwining it with someone else and now you must take each others feelings and time into consideration.
Not talking to him is very immature and emotional manipulation. I doubt you would like it if he did that to you. Hopefully as you get more experience with relationships youll learn to think of it from their side as well.
Run ?♂️
God I wish I knew how to post pictures because I would show you that Google had my wife in the dead center of a lake the other day. I was worried so I called her, and sure enough she was at work more than a mile away. But ya, this guy's wife is cheating for sure.
You laugh in his face and walk out the door is what you do. You don’t want to be a sister-wife and he needs a reality check.
Didn’t even read it all, but NOPE DO NOT DO THIS I PROMISE YOU you will most likely be 3rd wheeled alllllll the time. He’s going to end up leaving you for her I PROMISE
Detail the focus. Every inch. Inside. Outside. Engine compartment. (Ok not really the engine compartment)
Don’t agree to ultimatums and avoid living in an absolutist world.
Oh dear lord… i hope not. Because if it is OP is a POS and this relationship is toxic as fuck and they both need to get the hell away from each other. OP needs to provide more information because if this was him that's vile.
Most Muslim scholars agree with me on this, sorry. If you actually want to learn I copied and pasted some stuff for you to read. I know premarital sex is a sin that is not what we are discussing. We are discussing if attending a wedding of people who did premarital sex is permissible and it is.
“Majority opinion is that it is permissible to marry the person with whom one has committed Zina, provided that the person is not a habitually unchaste person and that they both sincerely repent of their sin and that a period equal to iddah has passed since the unlawful intercourse.
One who commits fornication with a woman. It is permissible for him to marry her and it is also permissible for another man to marry her.
And this is the saying of Ibn Umar, Salim, Jabir bin Zayed, Ata, Tawus, Malik bin Anas. And the same is the saying of Abu Hanifa and his companions. And from Shafi is narrated the same as that of Saeed bin Musaib [ it is permissible since a fornicator is part of the unmarried Muslim community viz 24:32 ]
Ibn Abbas said [about a person who married a woman he had fornicated with], his beginning was fornication and ending was marriage. His example is like that of a person who steals from a garden and then goes to the owner to buy what he stole. What he stole was haram and what he bought is halal.
Tafsir Qurtubi”
You haven't said anything worthwhile either.
In the specific context you describe, iMO you should not explain further. I believe this bc you wrote this:
There have been times I have blown up and just cried trying to plead with him to work with me so I no longer feel like I am giving everything with little in return. I’ve acted in ways I didn’t want to with him but there have also been times I’ve tried to talk to him in a neutral time with no hostility.
Which to me translates to: he KNOWS. He knows perfectly well what the issues are, and why he is being dumped, since you already explained it repeatedly, clearly, with words. If he hasn't “gotten it” yet, then he won't. If you explain more, you will just end in an endless debate, in which he convinces you that he will do better, that those issues aren't real, or that they aren't serious enough to break up over. He understands what the problem is, but he will pretend not to understand to trip you up, and if you want to have some kind of moment when he GETS IT and AGREES that yes, it is reasonable to split, that will never happen.
I know bc I have been there. I spend a nightmarish hour, maybe longer, just explaining why I was dumping my ex, and he just kept asking for clarifications. After the hour, it occurred to me I will never explain this enough to him, because he simply doesn't want me to leave. So he will argue and convince me endlessly, and act confused and lost, or whatever just keeps me there, keep me talking. There can never be a “closure” moment, because he has no interest in that. When I gave up, completely exhausted, and he finally understood there is no convincing me, he got aggressive. All the words I said in the last hour were just wasted breath.
Your bf seems to be similar in that he only uses your explanations to manipulate you to stay, he doesn't treat them as actual reasons to accept and move on, and the discussion is not in good faith from his side. So I would just write a message that's short and sweet, and then BLOCK him on EVERYTHING. Something like “My feelings have changed and I'm breaking up with you. I wish you the best of luck.” Any explanations he will just interpret as an opening to argue and keep on talking with you, to keep you around longer.
Have you talked to her about splitting expenses?
masking isn’t controlling it except for when you want it that way.
He hasn’t said a word in your defense? Not at all?
Fucking run.
Not yet. I assumed that after a while she'd automatically offer to split, but it's been 2 months and I'm starting to question things.