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I ruined the relationship between me and my dad.
It's the other way around. It's not your fault that he is/was cheating. It's his relationship to all of you that he ruined. Don't even think that it's your fault. The delivery might not be done in a proper setting but everyone involved needs to know, especially your mom.
You did more than emotionally cheat, you actually met up with the guy and clearly pursued him wanting more. It’s absolutely fine to have feelings attached to people from the past, but you’ve gone about this in a very sneaky and sh1tty way.
You need to tell your husband and if he’s willing to accept the mistake then you’ve got VERY lucky. If he doesn’t then you’ve only yourself to blame
You can ask your husband, how would he feel if his testicles gets twisted every month for few days.
Tell him that he is welcome to take a day off for his period but until then to STFU
What is his job in the military? Is it something that can easily be transferred to a civilian career? How long has he been in, and what age did he join? A lot of ex military people who have been in since they were young adults find they do not have any direction or purpose once they get out. Also they don't have the structure the military provides and often find it difficult to navigate life with nobody telling you what you should be doing and when you should be doing it.
On the other hand any good unit will have plenty of resources and people specifically designated to help you both make that transition. The military can help him connect with places that prefer to hire veterans and he should have access to the Montgomery GI bill to help you or him pay for school (the Montgomery GI bill is a giant benefit).
You have a difficult decision to make and only you can make it. Personally what I would do is stay with him, but wait until he gets back to get married. You could visit every so often and finish school, and you would be there for the last years of your dogs life. If he loves you, he will understand. Good luck
Ok 1: that's all they said and its anonymous? If someone messaged him you were cheating would you want him to take that as seriously as you're taking this? That's a breech of trust. 2: You are literally asking if it's possible… like… if you haven't seen it it's not happening; are you really able to be led down a road so easily? 3: I'm bummed out, but not surprised there are posts on here saying he is: that's ridiculous and heads up there can be a shocking amount of spite on r/relationship_advice. You should confront the account to tell them who they are. And unless they have clear evidence: you should forget about it completely.
Isn't that what you'd want him to do if someone messaged him lies about you?
I too suffer with anxiety. If your boyfriend knows how anxious you are (in general) you should ask him to just text you and let you know he is safe/home/ok. Completely normal. To then go out with his friends to a club after speaks volumes. You should be the priority.
We discussed the issue. As a final decision – if we understand that our joint strategy doesn’t work – we’ll try marriage counseling together. Thank you 🙂
My husband told me on the first date. We're together for 10 years. Every situation is different. If you really feel confident this is the one, that's a good time to ask
Learn from the poor dynamic. Instead of sitting home alone and missing someone, you can go out at do your own things. It’s odd that he never included you in other aspects of his life. It’s also odd that you always stayed inside while he went out. It’s also bizarre that his underdeveloped emotional intelligence couldn’t handle questions or crying. Just take your lessons from this mess and be a happier, healthier you. Find hobbies and friends and never wait on someone else to be ready to include you. Instead, go out and make your own opportunities for happiness.
I don't blame you. Either both or neither — just asking the dad is so, SO shitty and sexist. You literally carried that human for 9 months, birthed her, fed her – but since you're a woman you are being ignored here. Bullshit!!
No. As a parent of teenagers and being close to 40 myself, there is actually no reason a 40 year old would be interested in an 18 year old unless there was something mentally wrong with the 40 year old. The 18 year old is a kid and doesn't know any better. Sorry.
He is married!!
I suggest giving the relationship more time until more trust is gained.
Let me ask one more time: What are the remedies for when he violates the boundaries you set? Because it will happen even if he is attempting to change. The remedies should be agreed to beforehand.
He is working there because it was her idea, not his.
We don't know the extent to which he was caring for his grandmother. He could have been watching TV with her and making her lunch.
HOLY WOW I spit out my coffee. You should tell your mom, break up with this guy and not see your dad.
Yeah that does not sound healthy, you can't do much from inside that situation other than make yourself sick trying to change it. I spent months trying to talk sense to a family member and all that happened is I wound up getting kicked out on their terms.
She sounds super amazing other than the fact that she cheated, can’t get a job in a super very hot economy, and deals with either depression or bipolar.
Other than those massive red flags, she’s amazing.
Ooof. All you had to do was say you didn’t feel like cooking for someone because of the tension and you would be getting skewered right now. No one can fault you for not wanting to do something nice for someone you are fighting with, but saying you wanted to punish someone makes you vindictive
I wouldn’t go there but I would reconsider this relationship. Nowadays, to label someone as the k-word is not a compliment, even in jest. And the kid spoke the truth, in exactly their moms words.
Your husband was on some shady adult website looking for a hooker or hookup or mutual cam session, and he used his real name or Facebook or phone number for verification, and fell for the scam. The good news is that these scammers weren’t going to fuck him, but the bad news is that he was hoping they would.
That's freaking weird.
thanks for the laugh! i would have thought so too lol
Just end it. You're too young for this. She's been in and out of relationships since she was 15. She needs to focus on herself and one month isn't going to be even close to enough time to work on her issues.
Bud I think you need to take a step back and figure out if being married to an asexual person works for you. I think she’s imagining you banging randos through hookup sites, and the first thing you think to do is have sex with a newly single friend. I know some people would like a randos only arrangement but that’s going to be harder and harder to figure out as you get older (small rando bang pool) and also how do you put the time into doing that and balancing your marriage, childcare, work, Etc.
Lastly, and I know this is controversial, but I would ask your wife to do a little emotional digging on her asexuality. There have been a lot of women in recent years who think they might be asexual but then realize they are queer, or have a hormone imbalance, or even just bored with the sex they are getting (no offense). Not saying she’s not asexual but it’s something to think about. Everyone needs to slow down here.
Masks are useless.
No I agree, if that’s actually her attitude he can’t, I meant in a case if she does and understands it was out of line and know why she reacted that way if it’s because of some issue if she apologizes etc.
And I’m not saying that’s the right or best decision, but there’s already enough people giving him advice and many saying to break up so I figured I’d give some other possibilities of what it could be and if he wanted to and there’s a reason.
But I believe if that’s purely her feelings and attitude or issues or not she will be like that there’s no way.
Finally, a happy ending!
This right here. All of it.
It's very silly and she's being unreasonable. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You should stay clear of her and find yourself a new friend.
Because they trivialize pregnancy/childbirth. They don’t think it’s a big deal, don’t know what it can do to your mental/physical health. They think carrying a baby for 9 months and spending hours/days in labor is just another Tuesday. They don’t experience it so they don’t care.
“I love how independent he is! He doesn't need others to make him happy” “he is such a great husband and a father – so devoted to his family”.
15 years later: “I hate that you have no friends and you are always home”
Are you happy with having no friends? Do you truly don't have need to go for a date with her? Start with figuring out what makes you happy. And then figure out what makes your marriage still going.
She had 15 years to talk to you. If it unfair that she is now exploding. You can still make it work. The question is, do you both want to.
Errr what a piece of ?.
If you were truly broken up, you need to take a break to get over it. You need a no contact.
That wasn’t “awkward sex”, he no longer consented.
A pimp would force her or market her.
He doesn’t have ‘anger issues’. He simply lacks respect for you, and thinks it’s ok to abuse you. I bet he doesn’t throw stuff at his friends, work colleagues or servers in restaurants? That’s because he respects them enough to keep his temper under control.
Someone looking at my bunghole while ripping out the hairs. No, thanks.
But the fact she told him “to be careful refusing sex again”? That part seems manipulative and menacing.
He will know the tag is replaced before she can ask this.
She lied to you. It is too soon to take a pregnacytest at 3 weeks.
Try to move on, leave both these women. Focus on getting an education and a life for yourself.
I wonder if you’d say that to a girl that was SA’d while black out drunk?
Idk, imo if she really loves you this wouldn't faze her. Most of us are gonna get old and wither away, and everyone dies eventually. I understand you have a disease which makes your process quicker, but what about cancer or something else unknown which comes up later that causes the same thing? Imo if this threw her off then she can't be trusted to stay for better or worse, in sickness and in health. She only cares about you when you're healthy and able bodied apparently. It's not a parent issue, it's a fiance issue. I would not have hesitated to marry my husband if I learned he had a disease like the one you described— if anything I'd have married him sooner so we had the most time together. I wouldn't want to be with someone like your fiance. Idgaf what my parents say about it, it's my life and I love this man. If she's still acting like a child under their thumb then she's too immature to be married and you should consider moving on.
He treated you like a child tugging at his pants rather than a partner. You were trying to get his attention and he, being caught up in his conversation, was completely oblivious to: 1) why he was there and 2) the partner he claimed to love. He blew off everything that he should have been considering.
Some folks are pointing out that interruptions may have been annoying. The thing is you should only have had to interrupt him once but he didn't get the message even after several times. He was stubbornly sticking to his guns even to the point of demanding his SO shut up.
Yep, putting your nuptials on hold isn't a bad idea. You have just seen a new side of your partner. He wanted to drive a point home so badly that he was abusive and dismissive to a loved one. Imagine your kids tugging at him when he doesn't want to be distracted. He was in place where he should have been acting in his best manner. If this is what his best looks like, can you imagine what his worst is?
Maybe it is time to make an honest evaluation of your relationship. This is a red flag. Are there others that you have ignored til now? Are you okay with being dismissed when he sees fit? 'Cause it will happen again. This is who he is.
That's easier said than done.
If I was OP, there would be 0% chance I'd be able to continue on studying after my partner of 3 fucking years left me and went and picked up a stranger.
That's traumatizing. OP needs to take the night off and reach out to friends and family for support.
My fiancé essentially did the same thing to me 3 months ago. It was my sister that helped me from derailing. Especially the night it went down when I was feeling borderline suicidal. My fiancé doing this was completely out of the blue and shocking and that shock lead to some really dark thoughts.
It took me up until very recently to recover from the depression.
OP, please reach out to friends and family for support. Seek out therapy if you have the time and resources. Block that mother fucker. He will call you crying and telling you he fucked up, do not entertain his apologies. His actions were premeditated and intentional, this was no 'mistake'. He has shown you what he's capable of and talking to him again tells him he can do it again and again.
It's difficult. It took me 2 months to block because I was still in denial but communicating with him only caused me more pain.
Good luck OP
Omg, people like you are the problem. Just gross.
First, it sounds like there's more going on with her that she wants to escape her life and that has turned into a dependance problem.
Honestly having had a fake ID, by the time I was legal, all I wanted was to be able to buy my own beverage and take it home and listen to some tunes on the balcony and have a drink. lol Going out was the fun, not the getting drunk part.
By the time I was 29 (barring the disaster that was the day after my birthday party. Never again the appletini times!) it was a glass of wine with dinner on occasion and the random bbq.
That said – I have a 50 year old cousin who still parties like she's a teen with a fake ID. lol Out for drinks at the clubs every weekend and some weeknights. I'm not sure how she functions, tbh, but she does. I think that the club scene has just as much of a draw as the alcohol for her, now. But i don't know that she could separate the two anymore. She's been doing this nearly every weekend for over 30 years. If your GF decides she doesn't want/need help, and wants that life, you need to decide if you want along for the ride.
I have to echo what everyone else is saying.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like your boyfriend wants to be supportive. But I think the best thing for you is a therapist who specializes in trauma. It might even be beneficial to seek out a support group. Sometimes just being able to share space with people who’ve gone through similar situations can help you process everything.
Hang in there. You got this.
Ya, I will get downvoted for this since the overwhelming number of responses have been saying it is normal (or maybe I should say common). BUT it doesn’t mean she is doing anything wrong. She may be a very touchy person and that is how she is and means nothing sexual by it.
Just talk with her and let her know how you feel. She could help you understand why it is normal to her, that it doesn’t mean anything sexual. But by talking at least she knows how it makes you feel. Communication is important between the two of you. Not sure why people make it solely a ‘you’ problem and you have to deal with it. Just talk. See what comes of it.
What in God's green earth are you doing. Buy a fucking condom.
This honestly sounds like someone who isn’t healthy. I would wonder what led to her shouting. What leads to these arguments where this is consistently brought up? If it’s OP had a tough day, and she uses this to shut him down, I’d be very alarmed. I think we really need more information to give a good response.
Did she say she was telling you every guy she'd had sex with, or every relationship she'd had? Because those could be 2 different lists.
He's in male menopause. There are a few things you or he can do to improve sex, but you are fighting a losing battle here. If he's this infrequent at 50, do you think it's going to be better at 60?
If you want a healthy sex life, I suggest you find a younger man. Of course, some men are very active and virile at 50, but it doesn't sound like he is one of them.
But it’s FIVE months away, I feel like he should be able to find a way here
I do not
This is what I am saying. This is a personal goal of mine, and I intend to build wealth. I would make the purchase regardless. Do I build equity? Yes, thats the point of the purchase. Does she? No, but we get to live! together and save ourselves money. Are we planning on getting married in the near future? No, I am trying to build a career for myself. Could we get married after I feel ready? Yes! And then anything I own she also owns.
I wouldn't expect her to pay my bills for me. I dont “need” her to pay anything, but I would feel taken advantage of otherwise.
I just checked my calendar, it's April 4th. Yes this is love bombing. Completely understand why his ex called him overwhelming and got out.
You can't rush a relationship like he's trying to do. Relationships need a good solid foundation if they are going to be successful and healthy and not fall apart.
Let the relationship breathe and settle. Don't even commit to bf gf status until the 1 month mark.
What makes you say it seems she wants to move on? Not disagreeing or agreeing just curious how you interpret it from your lens.
Anyway, one of the things I’ve learned in my life that usually what you want, wants you. Meaning, you’ve already won the battle. You don’t have to fight as very hot. That and you have no control even if you do, it will probably only push her away. So just take it one day at a time and stay in the moment with her and enjoy it, you both are pretty happy right now go with that because that’s going to be your foundation if anything can grow out of it. And as horrible as the universe is to a lot of people, the truth is, there’s some things that are pretty good about it and usually if you go with the flow and things are going well You don’t have to worry about them as much. Also,worrying never fixes anything Neither does attempting to control it. I don’t know if that helps but I hope it does.
You need to get this deep into your mind. Her intentions here are not good. They are either selfish or nefarious. She has nothing to lose. Your bf, you, everything to lose. Best case scenario – she wants to be absolved. Which she does not deserve, if your bf's account is true. Worst case, she wants to continue with the toxic drama at the expense of your bf's life. I know we all want to believe the best in people and that people want to be reasonable and come to peace with the past, atone and move on. That's very much on her to do by herself in her own time.
She felt a certain way, for whatever reason, we don't know why. And decided to contact the person she knows can't contact her and apologised – in an EXTREMELY weird way. To make an alternate account to contact a man she called the cops over to apologize, basically against his consent is very disrespectful. And the fact he's like, go ahead if you want to contact her, suggests your bf is still not aware of how dangerous this person is to him.
Don't get involved in this BS. Make sure she knows you've seen the message and block her. Take meticulous records. Let the police know she has contacted him. Never, never contact her directly. NEVER. She holds all the cards here. If you go in trying to be reasonable, you will lose. Every action you take towards her, imagine how it could be twisted in court. She won't listen to you asking her to be respectful and leave your bf alone – she already proved that meant nothing by making a fake account. The fact that she's even trying suggests she desperately wants to get back in contact with your bf. Assume that's to get back into toxic energy sucking nonsense. Give her nothing, treat her like a liability, give her zero quarter. She cannot be reasoned with.
Never contact her again. If she is toxic like your bf says, that's the worst thing you can do to a narcissist.
Don’t move on with him, especially after dating such a short amount of time. It’s weird that he’s divulged his earnings to you at all, and nearly predatory that he has lied so unnecessarily.
To me, this indicates that he’s not trustworthy & becoming more involved with him is a mistake.
I’m 41, so it’s more genre specific and not illegal stuff. Like castings and milf and edging. Not normal porn that has a storyline
How is she pressuring him? Most women who find out their boyfriend/husband is on a gay website and seeing people behind their back would be gutted, heartbroken and probably angry. OP has literally said it doesn’t bother her that he’s been basically cheating behind her back, but she just wishes he would admit it? Either way he’s not being honest with her and it’s wrong.
This way of saying works only for people you didn’t sleep with, not for past lovers.
When discussing the break I asked her “So we're technically together there?” to which she said “Technically yes, but that's a very odd question to ask. Are you thinking of talking to other girls?” I told her no but that I wanted to establish that neither of us would be doing so.
Frankly infidelity while we're dating wasn't actually something that concerned me about her.