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Maybe Mike Pence would think it's cheating but nobody else would.
Whether you're OK with it is up to you though. It doesn't have to be cheating for you not to be OK with it.
You don't have to label anything or justify anything. You decide for yourself what you're OK with and what you're not.
Have at it mate!
Thank you for your time and advice. 🙂 you sound so mature. I agree. All of, or 99% of, the work is on him. He knows this and I told him to take a few days to consider if he can really commit to a lifetime together when it now has baggage and he will need to spend every day making me feel loved and wanted. He is aware, as am I, that this will require a lot of work. I told him I want him to go back to therapy to address how he could allow this to happen, risk our friendship, etc. He has agreed to do so. I've also asked him to use these days apart to analyse why he allowed it to happen, what he felt he would gain, etc.
He said no, she kept pushing him for an answer, so he gave her one…how did he insult her?
This seems a little dangerous, honestly. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the attention, IMO, but this could cause you all kinds of problems if you guys cross a line. This seems like a situation where people can catch feelings.
when someone tries to show you who they are, let them.
for pretty much each and every step of the way, this girl showed you a new and different red flag, but you put your head down and charged full steam ahead, anyway.
btw, if you ever find yourself in a situation where you're waiting for some girl to break up with her guy, you're going to have a bad time. for one thing, it never goes as smoothly as that– otherwise, she would have just broken up with him and wouldn't be consulting with you about it. also, you can probably pretty easily imagine some other dude trying to talk her into breaking up with you, no?
any woman with all this shit going on? running back and forth to her ex, always with some excuse and explanation? nope. it's a waste of time.
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during the next days I noticed that she was still talking with her ex
she toldme that ahe lied to me , also that she wanted to break up with her bf im person
we agreed to wait till she “formaly” broke up with him.
… and during all this, you didn't once think “oh, am I her backup plan, nothing more?”…?
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So I put her into a test.
mature adults don't “test” each other… period. if you're needing to “test” someone it is a cheat sign you are forcing the round peg into a square hole.
later that night she said that she went back to her ex
and this was a surprise, to you? busy, she's been showing you all along who she is, and yet you're still buying her gifts…? come on, man.
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also she mention my extended family , since I told her that they might not like her
… why would you tell her this? you're giving her reasons not to be with you…
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I feel the urge of going back to her
[throws up hands in exasperation]
well yeah, she's been sooooooo good to you! /s
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friend, there are so many other women out there, and some of them might even be emotionally available and interested, in you. I'd suggest you start focusing on those women. this gal has made it clear that you're not a real priority.
personally, I'd try to find some other way to work or maybe even a different job, and I'd cut all contract with this person. my rule is you don't have to feel bad or like it was a waste of time if you leaned and grew from the experience.
so, take what lessons you can about her, and about people in general, and don't look back.
Do you still get aroused by women? If so, I think right now you are bi-curious. There is more to male gay sex than just felacio and kissing. What you and he did is only the first couple of steps in intimacy. You have to talk to him. The uncomfortable questions and answers to those questions need to be asked and said. If you don't want to mess up your friendship and he says he doesn't either, then you should both agree and move on. You are still going to question your sexuality even if you both decide to stay friends…. and that's cool…that is when the questions you need to ask yourself will come to light. Ask yourself, would you be comfortable doing actual penitration? Either he to you or you to him? Are you prepared to take the steps necessary to achieve that?
he deserves bad treatment for being mentally ill? great attitude there. very progressive.
Sure bud.
Find someone else
Right? If they're at all close she certainly knows they've been trying and can help collect her unhinged son.
Tell him you want your education!! Get yourself to a place you can be independent!!
If you go back home, you will be back in your mom's power!!
Also burns up the microwave, since the container contains metal. Unless the US has paper-pillcontainers or different microwaves.
I mean, three years in? He should have known already. I honestly feel like if you don’t know after 2 years you should probably move on.
Tell him you know a quick way for him to lose 68 kilo and exit.
I know deep down you’re right…
Many years ago, I posted a similar story of frustration about my Birthday on a message board that no longer exists. Many posters commented that a partner acting like he did about my birthday was a huge red flag and the relationship should probably be over.
They were right. I made the post when still trying to plan something for my birthday and we broke up two days before over a fight that started because of it (but spiraled into more). The ONLY thing I asked for that birthday was that he took me out of town. I was paying for all activities and didn’t want gifts. He bought a speaker system for himself that week asked for gas money to cover that one thing I asked of him.
Take the advice given to me then. Someone who claims to love you wouldn’t do the things you describe on that day even if they’re not big into birthdays. He didn’t just not do anything good for your birthday, but did things to actively make it worse and seems generally inconsiderate.
I went drinking with my dad last weekend. He married my mom because she got pregnant with me. They divorced when I was 9, and looking back, they were constantly fighting. They became much better parents when they were apart, rather than together. I see how my dad and step-mom are, and my siblings are around the same age I was when my parents were fighting. They’re best friends in love, raising their children. He told me to not make the same mistake that he did. If we’re not happy and just getting married because of the baby, do not do it. Focus on being friends and great parents rather than at each other’s throats and stressed parents. I’ve been thinking about this for the past few days, and he’s right.
Just… open by telling this story. Open the conversation.
Too bad my last therapist got another job hey, really could use their help right now ?
So she came into your marriage immediately cheating… she wronged you in so many ways.. why did she even go through with the wedding. Makes one wonder if she has cheated through most of your relationship.. has she had some kind of major life event that would make some sense to why she would do this to you… sounds as if you have dodged a bullet before you had kids and went into a lot of debt with her..
Yes it is
Exactly.
Ah man what a dilemma.
He sounds amazing, and as a smoker myself I (31F) can't judge him on that but I would say that I always ask my non-smoking partners whether I can smoke around them or whether they would prefer me not to. I will respect that but it does get harder the longer you're together so give it a few months and you'll probably see him smoking especially if you increase the frequency with which you see each other and the length of the dates.
I think the smoking isn't an issue too much, as you say he doesn't do it around you, but I am biased and I can totally understand why people would not want to date a smoker.
The AA thing. Isn't it usually you become a mentor after you've used the programme yourself? I don't know too much about it. If that is the case then you always run the risk of relapse with an addict of any kind. I don't know how much of a worry that would be for you. For me I would worry a lot about that and be highly suspicious because I have seen the lengths addicts go to in order to hide their addiction and I cannot stand lies so I would find it naked to trust him. However, people do change and grow and he may never touch whatever he was addicted to again.
The herpes would be a no for me. I know that you can manage it, but you're only 21 and you have to really trust his ability to manage and inform you of flare ups otherwise you could catch it and herpes is for life. If it was chlamydia or another STD that can be cured easily then fine, it happens.
Also, I do have to pause for a moment and would advise you to figure out whether he targets women younger than him. If he has a pattern of dating women your age as opposed to closer to his age I would argue that is because women his age would not accept these red flags whereas when we are younger we take risks on that stuff more often.
You don't need to do or say anything. This is a him problem. If he is this insecure he needs therapy, and that's not on you to take on. Support him, but don't be a crutch.