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I am extremely close with my brother so I understand where you are coming from. This would be devastating if it happened to me.
Talk to him first and talk to your son. What your brother did is WRONG but dont jump to any conclusions yet. Is it possible that he sent the video by mistake?
I saw you state that you may get the police involved. think hard about that because there is no going back
Sounds like a standard mid life crisis mate.
Now I have to play games.
No you don't lol.
When these kinds of things happen, I think it's more beneficial for the betrayed to not jump in and start issuing rules and ultimatums and what-nots. What does the betrayer do without any prodding or direction from the betrayed. That is what will tell you whether to try and work this out or not.
Making the betrayed partner take the reins and tell them what to do is the complete opposite of taking responsibility for their actions. They don't have to think or use judgement or reasoning or empathy. They can literally just sit there passively and do what they're told They don't have to 'put themselves in your shoes' or otherwise consider the ways that it has impacted you. Instead, they are thinking only of the ways their life changes and how they are being 'imposed upon' and all the things you are 'making them do' to earn your trust back.
Any changes should all be done intrinsically and logically. She would come to the realization that she ended up in bed with another guy because she drank so much she lost her good judgement, therefore, she needs to not drink when you aren't around. That is a conclusion she should naturally come to on her own. Same with cutting all contact with the guy and even changing jobs if necessary. But that is reasoning she should be doing in her own head so you can see how her thought processes work and just what her level of reasoning and judgement is.
If you're going to try and move forward with someone who does something like this, you need to know exactly what kind of judgement and reasoning skills they have. And you need to see how they handle major fuck-ups. Do they put time, thought and energy into taking responsibility and making whatever changes need to be made or do they sit there looking blankly at you and passively saying 'What do you want me to do? Just tell me what to do and I'll do it.' That's the person who will never do shit without being told. That is the person who has to be led by the hand to conclusions that the average person can arrive at all by themselves. That is the person who continually says 'But you didn't tell me I had to do that' about shit that the average person does not need to be told to do.
Believe me, you do not want to end up with that person. But to end up with that person and have them eventually full-on fuck someone else because they 'just didn't think' will only add insult to injury.
OP as someone who has also struggled with trauma related weight gain this post disturbs me… I can't imagine leaving someone because they've struggled with weight loss. I've never been with a partner who made my weight a make or break. The fact that your partner used divorce as a motivator is pretty toxic, and to then say “well why should I bother sticking around now”… yeah that's not a reasonable response for someone you truly love. I'd seek marriage counseling
He does it because you let him. He doesn't want you, he just likes the attention you give him, knowing if he ever wants to come back, you'll be there waiting
Totally – needs to be completely financially independent, including getting work elsewhere (which he could do very easily, he has an in demand qualification). I promised myself after my last relationship that I would never spend years begging a man to get therapy again, but I hope it’s something he decides he wants for himself
To me (and this is because I have a better perspective of a father with a 4 month old), that she decided to just not want to go out. Reasons could be she's not feeling it or she just wants to be with her baby cousin. Yeah she could find solutions on how she could come out (sleeping on the couch outside her room or just being quiet when entering/leaving her room). Either way, I would just leave it alone.
It's manipulative and gross because you had been saying 'no' all this time
I am worried he will force me to have the surgery, or threaten me about it. What should I do?
So what you are saying is that you are worried that he is an unsafe person.
You do what you need to do to protect yourself from an unsafe person.
Probably, you do not want to date a person who is unsafe.
Well you don’t need to feel bad. you can’t help your feelings, you can only help your actions. And you didn’t pursue things with her while they were together so you’re a good dude for that!!
Yeah from what you’re telling me right now she doesn’t sound untrust worthy. Some people just don’t want to date strangers, the only want to date people they know already. But it doesn’t sound like she’s stepping out on her relationships so I’d say you have nothing to worry about!
This is great feedback. And it’d be even better if everybody was a great communicator and said exactly what they thought and felt.
But you know that’s not the case. Not only with this guy but with almost everyone, even OP.
When she said she was going to date other people, what she really meant was that she felt rejected and hurt and she wanted to punish the guy for making her feel that way.
That’s what was really going on. It doesn’t take a genius to understand that.
Think about your own life.
How many times have you struggled to articulate your feelings?
How many times have you been caught on the back foot and responded defensively?
If language is important, shouldn’t we take the time to understand each other well?
Regardless, I appreciate what you’re saying.
I agree with all this. It sounds like you see her perspective much better and aren't self centering her drama about you. Good on you.
I, too, wake up looking like a disheveled goblin.
Yeah, the boundary SHOULD be that this friendship is absolutely unacceptable and inappropriate and he needs to go no contact with her.
I don't have much advise other than what you suggested yourself. He needs to apologise and beg for his old job back ( by writing an e-mail to his manager rather than just turning up), and if that doesn't work he's going to have to find a job that's probably beneath him to keep the family from going under. If his workplace doesn't take him back I don't think he can rely on getting a decent reference to stay in the industry. If he gets his job back he can build back his reputation with time.
As for his behaviour, it was immature and embarassing for him. What was he thinking? Is this kind of impetuous behaviour usual for him
That is true ! But if i take probably two weeks to make up my mind. .. that’ll probably be it .. i don’t believe she’s be around and i don’t blame her
This doesn’t sound like a suicide attempt, it sounds like a manipulation tactic. It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do. Use all of this evidence to ensure he doesn’t get any sort of custody at all. A person who will crash their car in an attempt to get your attention could harm a baby for the same reason.
You’re so entitled.
That’s fucked up.
I like to think that people go through my posting history because they are having trouble sleeping at night.
You’re wasting your time
Good. So then, do you understand this is NOT about you “having deep insecurities” or “needing to evaluate how you receive love”? It’s about him being a shit person. He wants you to think it’s just your problem because you’re so insecure and irrational. That’s how emotional abuse works. If you keep thinking like that, you’ll remain trapped and situations like this will only get worse. People like him do not change. Don’t let him have the power of making you feel so horrible about yourself. Take the power back by showing him and yourself you’re worth more than someone like him.
You do realize there’s a thousand other reasons for sexual impotency right? Not just the handful of things you personally have experienced? Because your sample size is 1 and that’s not exactly reliable evidence. I can’t believe no one’s introduced the concept of bias to you.
Weak pelvic floor, sexual aversion due to experiencing pain associated with arousal your whole life, medication, mental health issues, insecurities, etc are all possibilities too. And there’s lots more.