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Let's re evaluate this OP, you just admitted your friends brother is your sneaky link, your bf found out that not only you slept with someone right after your date, but that the person is your friends brother and you are each other's sneaky link? And you haven't figured out why he won't let it go? You 2 are incompatible. Thankfully relationship is so early that it can end without real damage.
I ended up doing that, and explaining briefly why
Like the other person who commented said, it sounds like youre pressuring her into sex which sounds rapey as fuck. No wonder shes not wanting to have that much sex with you, you make it sound like thats all you care about. You could either leave her and find someone else or figure out a solution to her low sex drive. Asking her constantly for pics and sex is probably the least of her worries especially if shes tired from uni (it dies get tiring). Just have an open and honest talk where you can both make choices on what to do about it.
Thank you so much for the help
Why are you the one trying to fix things? What is she doing to improve the marriage and get your trust back?
That is odd. What do you think about that? It sounds to me like your friend has some issues and it’s really disappointing and must be hurtful. I am sorry.
it lasted till our daughter was born, 2 years pretty much
after that it never was like it used to be…
kid turned 8 and were divorcing, love is gone
still having sex from time to time to ease the process I guess..
Looks like it be better for you to be apart for now. Think things through before talking
Probably going to get downvoted but you should quickly invent a male best friend work husband and say he’s taking you to most expensive restaurant in your city. Dress up and act excited and then meet a random friend
fluffs pillows
I have an avoidant attachment style too.
I took a bit of a break from current relationship twice. Both times were bc of me and my issues. Both times I was like, “No fucking way is this gonna work.”
Both times I went back after calming the fuck down and thinking it out. I figured he couldn't really hurt me more than I've already beem hurt so allons-y.
First time it was two weeks. Second time it was a week.
Don't regret it. I regret that I'm fucked up, but eh. No one's perfect. I'm happy with my relationship tho.
But OP just bc I went through something similar doesn't mean your situation will turn out like mine.
I think your therapist is right. Take a break. Really give it some thought. The fact that your gf willing to work on this relationship speaks volumes about her. It is nude to find someone who can see past our issues.
But this may not be the right time for you to be in a relationship. You just may not feel like it. You may not be ready. That's OK. Whatever you feel, whatever you decide, it's OK.
Good luck.
She allowed to me see the chat for something else I scrolled up and I saw it. This happened on 9 December at like 12 am At ig 3-4 am she cut him off well she still talks to him and all but she said she missed him so ..
First off I feel she is using Post Partum Depression as an excuse for her not being there in her daughter's life when in reality she just wanted to fuck around and be with whoever she wanted. Now that her visa is up she wants you to take her back so she can leave you guys again to screw around the second it's finalized. She isn't worried about her child or being in her life all she cares about is being deported. No you aren't hurting her by taking someone who didn't want to be in her life in the first place out of it and if she really cares and really wants to be there let her figure it out for herself. She's trying to guilt trip you while using the child you guys have as a pawn for her twisted little scheme and you as the parent who is actually involved in her life needs to not let that happen. I can't stand people like her who are willing to use their own child and you as a nude working man who could get in a lot of trouble which would inevitably leave your child without a parent for her own selfishness. She isn't interested in being a mother which is why she left you guys in the in the first place because she wanted to screw around without the responsibility of being a mother to the little girl she helped create. She should be ashamed of herself using PPD as an excuse for her own inexcusable behavior. She fucked up and I can 100% guarantee she doesn't care she just wants to use you and your child while leaving you both to struggle.
Good job Momma, that's as it should be. No secrets.
I won’t give advice, but I will give my experience with this exact situation. I was dating a guy at one point, he was honest and told me that someone from his past wanted to meet for lunch, and that she previously had a crush on him when they were in school together. He said that to him, it was just as friends to catch up, but he wanted to be honest with me about her previous feelings so that’s why he told me. When I asked him about his lunch with the friend that day he conveniently said he completely forgot about his plans with her and didn’t end up going (part of me doubts this because we went from texting constantly to radio silence for about the length of a lunch). We get into a relationship afterwards, it seemed to not be an issue. Fast forward a little over a month later and I get broken up with, and a week and a half after that, he is dating her. In my mind he was stringing both of us along and just wanted to see who would/wouldn’t work. Good luck with your decision on this OP, I hope it turns out better for you and he’s being honest.
Well I feel like something missing here does he have experience or is a virgin
“Hey do you mind if we split the bill?
Yes I mind.
Then you proceed to have a nice meal under the assumption that she is taking you out. Which one trumps which, sexist assumptions or civilised social norms? If she is upset by it….leave…unless you are looking for a naked life and some backwards ass relationship.
I'd be worried enough about this person to even be alone in a car with them. They reek of toxic Instagram advice.
If he was really is trying to show he is going to improve he would move jobs. Very nude to do but if the marriage is important to him he would. Some people who cheat eith coworkers do leave their current job to make things work with spouse.
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Exactly! That’s the only thing that makes sense. XD
Only back because you allow it.
Man oh man. She cheated on you for 2 days (longer it sounds like) and is still lying to you about it. Is she showing any remorse even? Willing to change or show you her texts with this guy to see what's been happening between them? Willing to do anything to regain your trust? It's POSSIBLE to work things out, sure. But it takes 2 and I certainly wouldn't be considering proposing right now.
I hope she doesn't act the same way with your kid.
My guess is that her husband told her that to keep her around.
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I'm going to say it: HIS BEHAVIOUR IS ABUSIVE TO THIS GIRL.
Stop putting up with it. This is going to be so damaging to her mental health and self-worth. She could grow up trying to find approval in every man she meets.
Cut the shit and tell him to pull his head out of his ass. Go to therapy with him if you have to. Find a mediator. Get a DNA test. Then let him realise how awful he is and how much grovelling he has to do to make it up to this little girl.
If he doesn't do anything to better himself, divorce. That's the best thing you can do for your daughter. It doesn't matter if he's a good father to his other kids. He's not a father if he's picking and choosing. It doesn't work like that.
How do you think it effects your other children? Are they going to grow up thinking this behaviour is okay? Fear being treated like their sister so they turn to putting her down to gain his approval?
I have no doubts he thinks she isn't his and that you stepped out and got yourself pregnant. At the moment you're the only one who's there to protect your child. Do your job.
It’s also not a thing in many places
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Based what you said can we say it's like a job for her to deal with the household? If so, think about what you do when you are sick. You take a break from you work, go to see a doctor to get some medicine and just rest a bit, right? She needs the same. She might need a therapists, new medicine, and a break without feeling guilty.
Listen, you have three options. Either you stay with her and keep nudging her, then she will fall into an even deeper depression due to you making her feel guilty.
Option two: you divorce. But then you have to do all the housework she has done before.
Option three: you will help her. You will be patient and work out something together for her to feel better and be herself again.
Yes she was. For the guy she worked with who didn’t think his boss would approve of his orientation. They went to the symphony, and she rambled on about how great their relationship was. She turned him for one night.
Who knows. Maybe this was not the first time she pulled a stunt like this.
Time to block. Delete the screen shots. Connect with your bf and move on from this.
If you feed into this further you're playing her game.
Just leave
I’ve been doing this so long I don’t know how. Not for lack of trying his will outlasts mine
The relationship is done.
You should really still be in the honeymoon phase right now, not in a sexless relationship.
You work two jobs, she works no jobs.
Mate, you deserve better than this. You're not her carer, you're not her parent.
you’re still putting him in an incredibly difficult position, to an end that i cant say i believe is justified. if the only reason why you want the things you do is just because it has been different in the past, i think you need to do some more self reflection.
OP you don’t sound like a bad person. And I’m sorry your relationship is over. I can tell you’re genuinely heartbroken.
That said, it doesn’t sound like you’re genuinely sorry. You’re allowed to be human and to make mistakes on drunken nights. Your boyfriend is allowed to decide this particular mistake is a dealbreaker.
Stop blaming everyone else but yourself. You are responsible for your actions and your boyfriend isn’t unreasonable for not wanting to be with you after you cheated on him.
Definitely! I don't feel better now, but I know I'll eventually
You could either obsess about this (which you already are doing) or you could sit back and relax, letting him foot most of the bills. I recommend the latter, but you do you.
Just let him know how much you are able to contribute and let him decide what to do about that.
Her story seems very trickle truthy to me. In a month you'll find out they kissed in the park.
This is I what I would say. My guess is he thought you would change your mind.
Lesson 1: Well, you could get a time machine and keep your actual wife invested in your shared life from the beginning? Like you should have…
Lesson 2: what you wrote here was pretty good. Open or end with an apology for not going straight to her regardless of outcomes. And then go from there.
Honestly I’d feel honored if someone wanted to copy on of my tattoos. It means I have cool ideas and they don’t 🙂 don’t let it get to you
She cheated on you and told you the relationship was over, just not technically ended as of yet.
You dump this woman and you move on is what you do, King.
Yeah typo. I need to fix it
This is so stupid lmao. A 25 year old man getting mad about not remembering a movie? This is some middle school shit.
When you watch a movie, watch it on his Netflix. That way it says you’ve watched it
Yeah but in order for that to come in handy idiots like him would have to read and he’d probably take it as a suggestion and not a fact!
only you can truly decide if the relationship works for you.
I'll say this about the “sugar” situation in general– what do you suspect he's paying for? for her to just hang out and look at tiktoks? if you were a paying sugar daddy, what would you be paying for?
I could be absolutely wrong, but I had a kind of sugar momma situation some years ago… I wasn't getting paid for my ability to make conversation…
it doesn't sound “toxic”, per se– she sounds sweet and loving– but you still have to decide if you're okay with not being the only man in her life.
like fucking yikes
….animal rape is a fetish?
As long as you realize that’s you are the outliers, that most people don’t have arranged marriages in this year of your lord, 2023, where they are never alone or never touch or kiss or have any time to actually get to know one another before marriage, if you internalize that your daughter is now away in a place exposed to people who don’t find that to be “normal” because they’ve not been exposed to it, then I still don’t think you will adjust your expectations but maybe watch some rated R movie and imagine that’s what your daughter is watching on any given weeknight with her friends. Sex scenes included.
Trust your gut. This person is clearly continuing to do things that make you feel uncomfortable and I don’t think this is someone you should be friends with. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be friends with people of different age groups, but a 30 year old shouldn’t be giving alcohol and edibles to a 19 year old…. I know you’re an adult and I drank at that same age, but that’s just weird to me.
DUMP HER!
Oh man, I tried that once and was called creepy. Lol.
Just shoot your shot with confidence. Walk up to her and tell her you want to talk to her about something, and gesture her way from the crowd.
Then tell her you were thinking it would be great for you to get to know her better. And how about a coffee after work.
I can’t believe people think we are getting even slightly a portion of this whole story. If she is fine with your other female friends who you have 1:1 relationships with, there must be something different about this friend. How you act, talk about her, inappropriate texting, something. Would love to hear the fiancés side.
he said he dosent mean anything by it, the comments dont mean anything and that its just reactionary. he did apologize but i just feel like im not quite sure thats the truth, surely a grown man would know that saying stuff like that is harmful! im not sure if hes being completely honest and im so damn confused. i love him and i do not want to make this an issue, is there anything else you think i should say in the morning about it???
I agree. He’s a fucking liar, so when he tells her he wants more children (as it clearly says in both posts), you can’t trust a word he says.
He says he wants more kids with OP, and OP wants to make sure that all of his children benefit from the apartment, not just his child with his ex.
That’s really what you took away from this?
I also don’t want to give her an ultimatum. I don’t want to be forced into having kids but if that’s her final answer then I’ll have to say I walk which I feel is unfair,no?
The fact that she lied to you about the true nature of her relationship with her coworker gives it away. The only reason she told you as much as she did was because you saw the name on that list, and she had no choice. There's too many good women out there to put up with this garbage.
He might have had just enough to last until his next shop. But not exactly worth getting mad over.
Sounds like she needs therapy. Anxiety to the point that you can’t have friends over once a week is ridiculous. Don’t let her move in and start restricting you for something she needs to get a handle on. This will only get worse and worse if you start babying her. She needs to start acting like an adult.
” I am a man and I should be able to manage my own emotions and have my stuff together with out taking them to some stranger to vent to, and I for sure do not want to take “Happy Pills”
Sounds like you are a dumb man, and I'm a man too.
Let me guess, you also don't go to the doctor, when you are hurting in weird places? Cough a little blood? Have weird bowel movements with or without blood?
She loves you, wants to see you happy.
I mean your actions aren’t helping your case, boy
Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about that. I hope the rest of her life is miserable, because it's all on her hands. It's fucked up how the predator gets off a lot easier when it's a woman. People need to learn that men don't like all sexual attention, that they can also be victims of sexual assault.
Oh totally, an 18 yr old is by far different from my own situation haha! I just try and listen to people who’ve been through life you know? Lots of times the advice is worth considering. I don’t pretend to know it all haha!! Thanks for the input though 🙂
To get into more detail, this guy texts her quite a bit and hasn’t made any real effort to be friends with me or really even recognize our relationship in general. Like I said, I respect her being a good friend but I wonder what his motives are or how she would feel if the roles were reversed. I want to avoid it becoming an issue.
I am not going to let that happen.
Shut up troll, she had more agency in this situation.
Why have kids with a dude who’ll be 70 when the kids move out?
Let me tell ya- the best thing I ever did was wait for the guy who also loved sleeping in the same bed as my pups. He is now my husband. I kicked many a men who tried but didn’t love my animals as much as I did to the curb. How did I know my husband would be different? As a single guy living alone, he had a cat and rabbit. Now his kitty and sweet bunny are part of our small zoo. 🙂
I know sleeping with dogs isn’t for everyone, but it’s something I love. Sometimes my pups were the only ones to keep me company through many years of being single. They are my snuggle buddies. Lol. So move forward knowing it’s not for everyone, but find the one who also enjoys it. 🙂
What can we do to fix this
Why do you keep saying “we”? He fights like every problem is an attack and a battle he has to win. You cannot fix this. He can't fix this either unless he admits this is a problem and finds help with it on his OWN, NOT with you.
Is he willing to do that? Has he admitted his conflict style is immature, mean, and won't work with anyone long term?
That's the only way this is getting fixed, when he fixes it. Not “we”.
Ok thanks for all the advice and comments, didn’t mean to piss people off, just wanted get some outside perspective of it.
Thanks again, sorry to piss anyone off again.
On the other hand, you’re 26 and know very well that clubbing and coming home at 6am is frequently associated with hooking up. At 31 I would have not dated you seriously.
I’ve always wondered why redditors seem to ignore this part so much.
Clubbing has an association with hooking up, whether you like it or not. And for good reason
100%?! No way lol
The punch, yeah. The Jules from Pulp Fiction speech followed by breaking his arm, absolutely insane.
TWICE!
Leave. Self respect.
Gangbang is a subset of orgy.
Look, I get it. I have an adult child with an ongoing severe health issue that he doesn’t always take care of properly, and it terrifies and frustrates me more than I can describe. But I can’t let it drag me down too.
Even if she actually is pregnant, if you don't want to be in a relationship with her you should break up with her regardless. You can still do right by the kid (if there is one) either way.
He’s setting a good example for his son by buying his ex wife gifts. Is the goal so his sons will know how to treat women? So what’s his excuse for his treatment of you? Is the message treat your ex wife better than your girlfriend? The extravagant gifts would be a deal breaker for me. Add to that, he ignored your birthday. Take a page from your boyfriend’s book and set the example for your son how you should be treated. End it.
Two options well three but two that seem more logical given your post. 1. Start a relationship with this guy because you clearly have feelings for him. 2. Talk to the guy and your friend/cousin about not hooking up. 3. Cut ties with the guy and expect to hear about him being with your friend, cousin or both.
If she’s not initiating sex at all, there’s almost zero chance she’ll be into morning sex.
Based on personal experience, I am pretty sure that most of them are single, and misery loves company
OP should go watch “Moonstruck” and pay attention to Olympia Dukakis.
Yeah, I guess you’re right about that. A small kiss with friends has always been ok with me, but french kiss is way too much to be a friendly kiss.
Hey, thank you for this. Actually great advice ?Helps me with acceptance if things really go the worst way
If you couldn't handle her posting suggestive photos on her IG, I don't see you adjusting well to knowing she can fuck other people whenever she wants. You know, like maybe the people commenting on her pictures.
Just my two cents, but I don't going from a relationship to fwb working out in your favor.
He has you exactly where he wants you. He's doing whatever he likes, regardless of how you feel about it, and there's an underlying threat that if you express any resistance to his behavior, he'll leave. That's not a relationship. And he's too old to be this flaky. Prepare yourself because you're going to be a single mother.
You are very wise and are not overreacting. If it's a nude stop for you, it's a naked stop. It takes ethics and honor to stand by your beliefs in the face of peer pressure.
Driving under the influence is not simply “a mistake” its a careless, wonton disregard for their life and the lives of people around them. Someone who does this is more than a little narcissistic. They are not available for healthy relationship.
Don't ever buy into the “fixer upper” partner. You aren't a parent. You aren't molding a partner to who you want them to be. Either they are, or they aren't. He isn't.
Yeah, this entire situation taught me we have an unbalanced friendship. No nude feelings, I shouldn’t have let it get that point. But now I need to act accordingly
Literally just saw that and said the same shit. Like wtf is a grown ass man doing on a college campus and wants her to be at home with no income and no education?
Yeah.. he's gonna wanna babytrap OP real quick and have her be completely dependent on him. Jesus if u were my kid OP i wldve asked u if you were insane getting with a dude that much older than u and as a mother I'd probably think he's a whole creep for wanting to be with my child that's so much younger than him.
In my opinion, ANY man who rates you on a scale does not deserve any of your time, love and affection. I think you’re very valid in feeling hurt and questioning his affection to you. I would also be very hurt if my SO told me this. I also think that if this interaction has caused this big of a reaction, then this relationship may not be meant to be. ):
Well of he forgot then he doesn't get to go and you go instead!
Should I give her another chance?
Absolutely not. This relationship is toxic for you. You're naive to think you can go frim relationship to friends immediately, it doesn't work like that, you need distance to heal frim the break up before friends can even be considered. She clearly doesn't respect your boundaries and just repeatedly love bombs you until you give in and go back. If she really wanted you she wouldn't have been talking to her ex the entirety if your relationship and lying to you about it. Stop contact immediately unless you want to keep going through this shit over and over.
Destroy it? Wow. She sounds lovely.
I would do the same thing for a partner or just a friend.
I plan to. Thank you!
When trust is broken in the way, IMO it rarely ever comes back.
Living in an anxious state of paranoia and suspicion is also a shitty way to on-line.
Ultimately the choice is yours to make.
Op. This isn't the woman for you.
This reads like a choose your own adventure story. where if you stay, you are locking into for a lifetime of severe stress, lonliness while married as you can't actually be close or open, quiet heartbreak, monotonous emotional abuse, and negativity.
Or there's choice b, of not that.
You don't have to stay around and make yourself sad, to let her “achieve her dream” of a idealistic baby. You matter too.
I dunno… black cats are black cats… my neighborhood had 3 of them. The neighbor had one and the other 2 were down the street. I could never tell them apart. One of the owners accused my neighbor of feeding her cat “illegal” cat food behind her back. Ma’am, if your cat needs a specific diet, don’t let it roam outside??? My neighbor couldn’t tell the difference between them all; whichever one yowled to get in would come in.
Well he is in DC this week since my niece is in Florida with her mom. So guess who he’s staying with! Lol thank you so much for the kind comment!
So now you are blaming her? Not a cute look, my man.
Gaslighting
Well that’s not true, a trained professional who is not him would be very helpful to him. But OP is not a trained professional, so not her responsibility. But we need to stop the idea that only the self can save the self from the self. People need help. All people. Every single person. Needs help.
Everyone needs stop egging this troll on let him if he is real find out ciz he be jail sooner or later but he just faking a post to rile everyone up
No. If you terminate the pregnancy, that's strictly your decision and you're entitled to medical privacy.
Stop being dramatic. He’s not going to walk out on his family over something so stupid. If you think that is “making something of his life” then that’s absurd.
I could have sworn this is a copy of a post from a couple months ago….
Thank you. I guess my problem is I keep second-guessing myself (due to low self esteem like you said). I’m constantly thinking maybe I am demonizing him, it’s not that bad, I am acting irrationally which made him act out the way he has. He was patient in the start and I should have just trusted him, even though my gut was viscerally screaming out. Sorry to vent but thank you.
You make a really good point! I think I do want her genuine opinion on the interactions between my partner and I, to make sure I’m not missing something egregious. All the other friends I had in that group essentially said that he seemed like a great guy and that we seemed well suited. I would like for them to at least be friendly with each other when in a shared space.
I agree that the cooking & cleaning are normal but my last SO was pretty bad that this seems great to me (my own experiences colored this) so that does make sense.
And I agree, I didn’t find that horrifying at all- hence why I’m so uneasy. I don’t know what she’s going to accept as “good enough” if a short answer is “horrifying”.
Yeah I’m going to think about my own expectations and hopes in this scenario! Thank you for helping me talk it through 🙂
We celebrate the day we met and the day we married.
But this isn't just about lack of sex. He also does nothing for your self-worth, wouldn't go out when you were there, and is generally treating you like he'd treat his sister.
Do you have any idea how dangerous this is? Drinking with ketamine? If you hadn't thrown up you'd probably be dead.
Talked to my therapist about it yesterday, the first time I've brought this up to another human. It was tough, and I have no answers, but I'm hoping that, and this post, is a start.
In 2013, he showed you what he thought of your relationship. You stay.
2017 there’s more of the same. He stops contributing in a big way, on top of the disrespect. You stay.
After all his cheating, you ask him to marry you.
Be real with yourself: what does this man do for you? Other than take?
Tbh, if you can reread this and not see that you should’ve been gone 10 years ago, then there’s not much insight comments will give you..
Not sure where you got three months: “I have kept him from my immediate family for years.”
She could have started the whole situation. Are you planning to be still friends with her?
If hes too stupid to see what she's doing he's not a keeper anyway. A girl acts unaware to be cute and I'm out of there, it's literally never worth it.
Really.. the dude is probably crazy nervous, and saying whatever makes you smile more.
You’re right, we haven’t had another talk since that night (Thursday night), but she said she was sorry….I don’t know if I believe it do to the fact she was still texting/snap chatting this dude as of 12h from when I found everything. I want to believe her, and I want to give her a second chance; just trying to see if it’s worth it honestly, and I know I’m the only one that can really answer that.
How do you feel now? Do you believe her? Do you think you’ll take her back?
Honestly it's the women who have been disrespectful to our relationship. One is an ex and the other I thought was my friend, whom I met through him… He always turns them away but the reason he wants to keep contact with them is because they are all musicians and write songs together from time to time. He's asked me to trust him and that's what I'm doing. Loving a musician is not for the weak!
I start to misread or misunderstand simple sentences & concepts when I am very very tired.
You should divorce her, she not only cheated once but twice and this neighbor is nothing but a two faced liar, his uncle the pastor is no better by trying to convince you to forgive and forget so that there is no harm to his ego. I know it sucks but you'll be better off without them.
So sorry you’re going through this. I’m going to echo what others have said… Pastor is looking out for himself, his nephew, and the image of the church. You’ve been betrayed in a very deep and significant way and you deserve to feel every ounce of that. You don’t owe anyone any grace and you certainly aren’t responsible for maintaining anyone’s image. Who cares what anyone else thinks?! Your wife and neighbor made their choice (more than once) and they can lie in it. They can ask God for forgiveness but it’s not fair for any of that to be put on you.
Divorce your wife. Go to therapy. Heal. Get some space and counseling before making a final choice about your involvement in the kids lives. Hang in there, it can only get better from here!