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For clarity, do you consider (respectfully) ogling other women, using porn, etc to be not monogamous?
What I gather is that your partner thinks she’s attractive and used her IG to jerk off. The age gap is blech but common, it might make the young woman uncomfortable knowing he’s done this, and it might make me feel disrespected but I would not consider it infidelity in my relationship personally.
Actual flirting and any kind of pursuit of the other person would be a no go for me. Any kind of disrespect or change in behaviour in my presence (like dropping holding my hand if they walked by) would also be unacceptable to me.
But I’ve known when my previous partners have crushed on other people and they’ve known for me and we’ve just lovingly poked fun at each other about it. Like ‘oooh, your cutie girlfriend barista was looking sexy today babe’ wink, nudge, mutual laughter.
As long as you aren’t making the other person or your partner uncomfortable, I feel acknowledging that attraction to and desire for others still exists despite healthy and secure monogamy really life affirming and mature.
I mean, yes, he needs to deal with it. Therapy taking to long to get into is a real problem, however, if you never book in then you will never start. If he had booked in 12 months ago he probably would have been seen (depending on where you are obviously).
However, you can fix this immediately.
If I'm tired he will encourage me to “watch one more episode” or offer me an energy drink. If i insist on sleeping he will tag along but usually it's already too late at that point
Just insist on going to bed and don't let him persuade you to stay up late. Tell him in advance, this is really impacting me, from now on I will be going to bed at x time (whatever works for your classes and grandma), then just go to bed. If he doesn't join you for a few hours (or more), those hours will legit be your best sleepy because he isn't snoring right next to you.
?
he said he didn’t really care how I feel and never has.
I want you to read that slowly, as many times as you need, and really think about whether you want to be with someone like that. He has told you he doesn't really care about you, and didn't feel the need to communicate with you in the slightest. So why are you with him?
He said he would be open to talking to you as friends in about a week. I suggest you respect his stated desire to be friends for a while. Pestering him for another chance will not endear you to him.
Thank for saying this, it has been insightful. I agree with what you have said.
Potentially, there is nothing you can do to help her overcome her depression; this is something she must heal herself.
She will need professional help for her depression. People who experience abuse often disconnect from their emotions in order to protect themselves, and this causes many issues including depression.
In the end I feel like people are the way they are and it’s up to us if we want to accept that or not. You can’t change people. But of course, if I am in fact being emotionally abused that is not a good thing (and I have a really hard time deciphering this sort of things, autistic blind spot I guess, I was bullied for three years once and didn’t really realise until retrospectively).
And yeah. I don’t know. I just know that my whole body is screaming even at the thought of losing someone that I love again, maybe that is the trauma bonding speaking, not sure.
How was the marriage “forced”? Arranged?