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True, but the BF reacting as a ball of rage (not everyone can hold their shit) even if it’s not AT her, will still be a rage monster that needs to be handled. And that’s in a moment of deep deep deep vulnerability for OP, where they now have to manage a partner’s feelings instead.
They do this shit to children too, it's fucking infuriating.
What you should do is find a therapist (unaffiliated with your church) and discuss the situation and your options with someone who has only your interests at heart.
You should also go see at least a few divorce lawyers to learn exactly what a divorce would like for you.
If you can stay away from your wife for a few weeks that would be ideal. Do you have parents, a friend, sibling, you can stay with?
Right now your wife is desperate. Her affair partner is desperate. And your pastor is desperate. They’re all trying to do damage control and none of them give a shot about you. Your wife will say anything so you don’t expose her as an adulteress. Your pastor will say anything so you don’t expose his family’s sins. Stay away from all of them.