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This isn't a “swimming is my exercise of choice” problem. This is an “I'm in a coercive control marriage” problem.
Their marriage has to come first, do you understand that? By confessing your feelings you put a burden on the friendship, if they remain friends with you they are disrespecting the marriage. These are your feelings and you need to woman up and take care of it. Get over him, find someone new
If you don’t like what he’s doing, you are free to tell him that. If he doesn’t stop, you are free to leave. But you are not his boss, and I’m not sure you realize that. He shouldn’t lie to you, but you don’t exactly seem like you would be very open to hearing to the truth.
You have a spineless husband OP; who doesn’t care that you’re treated like dirt by his mother and expects you to bend to her will.
You should stay out of the drama because this doesn't sound like a healthy situation
Happy 89% of the time married woman with 4 children.
Don’t hate myself, nor men. It’s just the logical solution.
Why not use modern medicine to clear up this issue of who’s the parents.
Why have shows like Murphy or paternity court?
OP, coming from someone who worked for years in addictions and recovery, and who is also in recovery…
This is the best advice you're going to get. I highly recommend you take it.
“he wants a 25 year old”
That to me is just a crass way to say “I want someone younger”. Which is a shithead thing to say to someone – I did say he sounds like a shithead – but I wouldn't consider that alone predatory.
As someone in my 40's with someone in her 40's, if I was to be single again? I would probably want “younger”. Not that I'd go after 25. or 22. or 35. or 40. lol but I wouldn't ever think to say to say, my current partner who is my age, “I'm leaving you for a younger model”.
I think it's pretty normal for men to look for younger – even if you think it's bad to go THAT young on purpose… or if you think it's bad to go for younger in general. telling someone you're breaking up with that? I would *NEVER* say that to someone. I wouldn't have said that to my ex-wife who cheated on me.
He's an absolute shithead but I'd have to see more details to agree with “predatory” if he's on dating apps looking for 20's and they are dating apps looking for older – you have to match after all.
Divorce
Yo I cry all the time, if you are healthily expressing your emotions to someone you trust, not being over dramatic, etc. it’s fine.
You’re right. She does.
OP, just because you are dating now does not mean he still wouldn’t rape you if given the chance. Clearly he doesn’t have an issue with it and what’s stopping it from happening the next time you refuse him sex? Say you are sleeping and he just decides to force himself on you. Or you’ve had too much to drink and say no but he does it anyway? Those things happen to married couples and it is still rape if one party is unwilling or coerced. I know you may love this person but you are young enough to find someone who loves you without considering rape as a possibility.
Same ?
You're not clueless, so you're just deliberately cruel. Got it.
Yeah, her bf is a control freak but I would be pissed if anyone called at 1:30am and it's not an extreme emergency.
To be honest, I also thought you meant romantic fiction with rape themes, because so much popular erotic fiction marketed to women involves romanticized violations of consent. Like that movie 365 Days, or 50 Shades of Grey, and so on.
Definitely tell her about the cuddling.
Be a mature man and fess up.
It will be a few tears but you will survive.
So you got love bombed by a controlling older man and then he secretly booked a vacation but gaslit you about really being the secretive one? this is the opening behavior to him escalating abuse.
Find your exit. This is not going to end well.
It shows either disregard for OP or poor judgement to go work out with another woman's husband in their home, and not have some sort of conversation about it. Even in passing. They must talk, given she's taking OP's children to the bus.
As a woman, I'd never do this to another woman without at least a short conversation about it. That's so disrespectful.
I’m sorry it wasn’t the answer you were hoping for. ☹️
It shouldn’t have ever happened cause it’s just obviously a no.
You need to stop coming at this from the perspective it's unreasonable to have even asked. Plenty of people are okay with it.
Acting like it's unreasonable for a partner to have talked to her partner about who she wants at the wedding is unreasonable. The audacity, I swear.
You two should get married. You're perfect for each other. You both suck at communication and refuse to see or be open to any perspective but your own.
This is a great tactic to get to the truth.. for the detectives on Law & Order, who don’t give a shit about their relationship with the suspect after they get their answer.
I believe you’ve been with her long enough to recognize her behavior for the entire evening as “off.” She could have been feeling a combination of emotional neglect from you + coupled with positive attention from her boss and/or didn’t no how to turn down his “social” advances because of the power dynamic.
Instead of leading with a one man good cop/bad cop (?) I would start with just saying what you told us. Hell, maybe show her your post!
Sounds like she's having a hard time dealing with the kid and you're worried about your dick. Maybe you should stop thinking about yourself a bit dude.
They're trying to sabotage your marriage They aren't doing it because they're actually interested
Now this, is way better advice than those previous idiots commenting. Thanks!
You might not be interested in comments focusing on the age gap but you need to listen to them. He is more than twice your age. You guys should have absolutely nothing in common. Do you want even old enough to drink and he probably has gray hair.
To answer your question this is infatuation not real love. You were looking for a father figure and you definitely found one.
TO THE BLOKE DMing ME TELLING ME TO SEND HIM MY NUDES TO GET BACK AT MY BF. Do you think I am that fucking stupid mate, read the room, and fuck right off
Reddit moment
Not everyone thinks their wedding is just a day, though. It’s my biggest dream to get married, I would be super upset if my family treated my marriage like it’s just another Tuesday. The goal is to not ever do it again.
So we matched the same day that I already had a date set with someone else and he was asking me what I was up to that night, which I replied telling him about being stood up. These were the texts – Him: No way! I wish I was at X! I’d come for a drink with you for sure! I just finished at a bbq and I’m bored Me: Maybe we could go for a drink next weekend if you’re keen? ☺️How was the bbq? Was that with friends?
No reply since haha.
Good work. Now do not give in when he comes crawling back making promises he has zero intention of keeping. You’re lucky he showed his colors now. A lot of men would have kept this controlling behavior under wraps until you were pregnant
the fuck?? move on from him. He blocked your ass so that means leave him the fuck alone. Do not visit him at his school unannounced because thats creepy and crazy as fuck.
It doesn't have to be insecurity that's the issue here. The problem is that he doesn't understand what boundaries are. Your number one factor in a relationship is “quality”. Relationships are a thing for us humans because there's better quality need meeting with teamwork than on your own.
Quality has to be the foundation on which a relationship is nurtured, and on which it is checked for problems. The thing that separates a process from its environment, no matter where it is in the universe is boundaries. Relationships are process caused by restriction. All things are. Nothing is not process caused by restriction. Not even the simplest processes can work without keeping everything coming at the right times and keeping anything from getting in the way.
So this is an argument not about freedom but quality. The reason why relationships are exclusive is to create quality through constraints. When someone wants “enmeshed” relationships with “diffuse” boundaries, what suffers is maximum quality you can get.
Plus, you aren't objecting because of some character flaw. The boundaries of our society set its operational norms. This is a high risk situation due to a number of factors. One is that he can't abide by the boundaries he agreed to. The other is he seems unaware of how to build quality through constraints. And of course he's enmeshed and has diffuse boundaries with this person, and that encroaches on particular kinds of intimacy that are made all the more powerful and restorative when they are within the confines of a relationship.
Don't ever settle for a relationship too unmoored from the purpose relationships exist for.
This isn't true.
I've known multiple people to make it through rotation, residency and the whole shebang with a partner by their side.
Usually they are also in the same kind of field–healthcare or emergency services, but I've also seen Entertainment folks work well in this situation. Anyone whose career is also unpredictable and needs to be prioritized by law, oath or demand will get where the OP is at.
Is he aware there are cameras in the home? And he's doing this in front of cameras with full knowledge that you can see it? He's trying to get you to dump him.
Don't walk, run away from this man !!
i was expecting this to be a long-term relationship having read the title. i'd be uncomfortable with this too, tbh.
at the end of the day it's your call. but talk to her about this and tell her how you feel.
I certainly agree that there are many things about being a woman that suck, nearly all of them related to reproduction. IMO, words are important because they convey ideas. It's important to choose them carefully. Applying condemning moral words when you don't mean to condemn adds confusion and can come across as inflammatory in print.
My belief isn't that women should feel pain. My belief is that everyone should learn to cope with pain. It's the idea that always avoiding pain and discomfort actually makes us weaker and more at risk of poor outcomes. Physical pain is often trying to tell us something important. Maybe it's normal to feel pain with recovery from certain medical procedures, not for women, but for everyone. Maybe experiencing that pain can tell you important things about your recovery. Maybe there are non medical interventions that are virtually risk-free and would alleviate enough pain. This is certainly a novel concept in a country that created an addiction crisis in the name of avoiding pain, but it's not everywhere.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to me.
You utilise therapy and he also should separately go to therapy. The only way for trust to return is for you to get better and to be an active participant in your treatments.
I work on a psych ward that mostly takes suicide attempts. A fair amount of ppl do stay w their partner but only if the work is put in. Some do leave and that's also okay.
this is wickedly depressing, this doesn't sound like a good relationship to begin with let alone marriage worthy. Hope you find someone better for you down the line
Okay let's set your age aside for a moment.
I was 37 when I got married. I'm a female. I had been with my ex for 7 years at that point. In our relationship he definitely disregarded my wishes, belittled me, straight up lied about me and either physically or at least emotionally cheated on me (I found his dating profiles a year before we separated.)
I never really wanted to get married. When he proposed it was around my birthday. I had been sick and we had been fighting a lot and his solution was to ask me to marry him while I was bedridden and sick so I could get on his insurance as fast as possible. Like I said we had been together so long, the idea of saying no never occurred to me. Like it was as automatic as if he asked me if I wanted a drink of water.
Leading up to the wedding (which was a small courthouse wedding because I was that unenthused about it where I literally didn't care what we did,) I thought of every way possible to get out of it. Like I knew in the back of my mind that my exSO was possessive and controlling and abusive and I wanted out so bad but I had no idea how to pump the brakes on it.
Fast forward to the night of my bachelorette “party,” it was me and three girlfriends going to sushi and then OMG the forbidden thing was I was going to go to a bar with them. I wasn't “supposed,” to go to a bar, especially the dive bar I liked. My ex texted me over and over and wanted to check in with me over and over through out our dinner. We took some pictures in front of the restaurant and then the second I stepped foot in the bar he called me and started screaming at me. See while I was at the bachelorette party he decided to tear through all of my belongings and found two OLD, im talking one of them was from before we met cell phones and go through the texts. He found texts he didn't like, didn't matter what year they were from. He was screaming and threatening me to call off the wedding etc, until I took an uber home.
All the way home I just wanted to call my family and say this is not happening.
But my sister's plane tickets were booked. My dress was already altered, we already had an appointment to get married. Why on earth would my opinion matter at this point?
I imagine you feel that guilt. Like what will this do to other people?
It will do nothing to them, but it will hurt you. I was married for three years and I caught him cheating. He hit me several times. He policed every move I made. I was basically 100% right and if I had trusted my gut I would have saved both of us a hell of a lot of money and heart ache.
I've been separated for 5 years, divorced for 4. I never once thought, yo maybe I shouldn't have gotten divorced. I have thought, damn I shouldn't have gotten married.
Back to your age though, you have a million lives to live before you decide on the one that is your “forever” life (by the way nothing is forever, just don't die, everything else can be fixed,) so if you're not feeling this, call it off, chuck it, throw it in a flaming dumpster and never look back. Screw what other people think, this is about you and the next 60-80 years of your life on this planet.