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I’ve been in this situation before. Like the other says. You both value the relationship differently. Obviously you consider him best friend, while he consider you a friend. You feel what you feel, you can’t help that. I too felt hurt when that happened to me. Re evaluate your relationship and decide. I do think honesty is the best policy as miscommunication can breed problems. I don’t think you’re wrong by telling him how you feel. He got mad because he doesn’t feel that way and to him he treated you fairly. It is up to him if he wants to have stronger relationship or not.
Let me guess the story he told you. He's stuck in this horrible marriage, his wife is controlling and he hates being with her. He loves you, but his wife doesn't want to divorce. He wants to be with you, you're his soulmate… etc etc etc.
He played you. Learn a lesson and move on.
It could just be him trying to regularize things with you but there was some residual bad emotions that he was trying to blow past but couldn't. It's nothing big. Things will get back to normal soon enough. He was willing to try for it to be back to normal immediately. That's plenty enough. Also this answer isn't bulletproof. It's just a theory.
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And to elaborate further, he is either banging her or trying to.
He is gaslighting you to make you feel guilty about thinking that. But trust me, he is lying.
He is letting her know he is there to help her with her sexual needs. He knows exactly what he is doing.
Do not pretend you are a guy who “wants to give back”. You sounds seriously creepy , wanting to utilise a sick woman for your own benefits.
The sex must be really good to be dating a child in a man’s body. Silent treatment is emotional abuse, yet she overlooks it and continues to pursue a relationship with this guy.
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That’s a difficult situations !
It’s not abusive but it is sleazy. Head pushers are the worst. It’s so disrespectful in my opinion when men do that. He might not be looking for only a hookup, he might be an otherwise nice guy, but that particular behavior is a red flag for me. Not abusive in itself, but just… gross.
It's really a solid concern.
And the move alone train is getting ready to leave the station.
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This is a logical trap. Anything you do that makes people happy can be viewed as self serving. But the idea that most/all people only do things to be self serving. Is a personal problem.
Does your husband not do anything worthy of compliments ever? If he was complimented, does that mean he was bad? Is his being good or bad decided on at the time of compliment/no compliment?
It's not. Tell him so. Being a nice person and doing things you enjoy to be nice, is nice. If you complained about doing it and then got super excited and ran around high fiving everyone, when people said your cooking was good. You'd still be nice.
The President sometimes serves cold fast food.
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You don't threaten divorce in the heat of the moment unless you're thinking about it or you are purposely trying to mentally torture your partner. The fact that you've been fighting for months is just not a good sign. Personally I would go to your parents house talk to them see if they'll let you move back home and bring your stuff with you or at least put it in storage.
If you have a job and you haven't quit yet then don't quit it. If you don't have a job, start looking. For the time being let him have his alone time that he demanded from you. Talk to an attorney in the meantime, and just because you talk to one to make sure you get all your options and ducks lined up doesn't necessarily mean you have to divorce but that you have the knowledge that you need if you need to.
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I don’t have a drug problem
If you’re going to the same places, I can see why you’d think that. Perhaps you can ask him for a copy of their itinerary or a get a general idea of where they’re going/what they’re doing. You can then plan to do some similar things if you really want to do them, but then you guys can always go off the beaten path to see what else is around. Sometimes, those places are where you’ll have a more amazing experience than the popular touristy spots. And a family trip is always different than a more romantic get-away for two.
I think it’s something you can talk to him about. Perhaps he’ll have some suggestions too for different things to do or places to see he’ll think you’d like.
Your husband punched your head. He's not nice.
I said no at first but caved since he’s relatively a good driver.
Before anything, I told him we could settle it outside insurance which he was on board with. He already has a very bad and expensive record with them (including a court date to lose his license).
You caved in to let your BF “go out driving” in the snow because he is a “relatively good driver”?
But you knew he was uninsured and about to lose his license.
Plus, you were under insured. And, now, your insurance will probably go up.
Now, being the real keeper he is, he doesn't want to give you the full value for your car. I'm shocked. Just shocked. /s
My advice would be to demand that he pays you the entire amount to replace your vehicle. But, guess what? He won't do it. And I'm pretty sure you won't demand it, either.
In your shoes, I would say take him to small claims court to see if they will make him give you more money, but I think it's “iffy”, because you knew about his driving record and lack of insurance, but gave him permission “to go out driving”, anyway.
Sorry to be blunt but I don't actually think he will end up giving you any money at all (or very little). And I don't think you've learned anything from this experience, at all, since you are still referring to him as your BF.
Yeah this does seem shady about her ex.
As for the backrubs. Now I don't mind massaging and I am rather good at it, but I don't expect it will be fine for my partners. It puts strain on hand after all not to mention some people just aren't comfortable about doing it. That is completely fine. I hope my point translates well to you.
About to ex thing, it's more than just meeting. It's deliberate hiding it and having audacity you should be happy about their meeting behind your back. Yeah this sort of attitude should be unacceptable.
Because you're displaying that you're a good option as a backup, or a temporary fling if he gets the itch between relationships he actually wants.
You're disciplined enough to get sober. If stalking his profile is your new drug, show some self control and get clean from that too.
Self preservation. If I'm using condoms I don't trust you enough
Thanks. I didn’t throw a tantrum I just simply left.
As someone who used to have a severe speech impediment when they were a child, stuttering and stammering on words is fucking embarrassing and frustrating. I know how she feels. If you were such a “good listener” you wouldn't have blocked her and accepted that this is her preferred way to express herself when she's upset. You don't get to dictate that. You sound exhausting.
Yeah, you did. Stop trying to justify your behavior.
Yeah, you did. Stop trying to justify your behavior.
So, she was patient. So what. It's the now that's important. And, in the now, she is demanding you be her family ATM. $1K per month? That's insane. You guys aren't even married!
Thank you for the advice! I'll make sure to add an encouraging statement too.
He needs to divorces you.. he needs to grow a spine and know your a horrible cheater and let you go so he can find someone who will truly love him and not be with a disgusting cheater. He won’t divorce so honestly the only good thing you WILL ever do for him is divorce him so he can finally find someone who truly loves him…
Oops where should I be ?
Her parents are the ones who lied, she is a victim of her parents' deceit.
I really hope you mean this. You WILL get pregnant and if you either of you isn’t financially, mentally, or emotionally ready for the job of raising and caring for TWO babies (possibly more if you have twins). My gosh you are just a teenager!
What a tragedy for this older man's child. At any rate, it's clear your relationship is over and it seems evident that you're going to have to find a new job. So maybe just embrace all these changes as an opportunity to start over and build your life differently. Good luck
Hey see these comments for what they are. We are a bunch of struggling older people. Most of us are struggling to make stuff work so then they see this and it’s very hot to believe someone so young could actually be able to support these things. I would just see it as people reacting to their own situation and venting those things onto you.
People reach a certain age and wish they started considering these things sooner (retirement, a house) because once you start worrying about them you realize how high that hill is and how much shorter it would have been if you had started worrying about them sooner. Once you do start worrying about those things anything more financial burdens in your life will make it that much harder to do…so these are a bunch of people looking at that hill not sure how they themself will ever get to the top of it and then hear you saying these things and thinking you have no clue what is ahead of you and thinking they are giving you the advice they wish they had sooner, but instead it comes off as belittling and condescension.
You need therapy. Most of your relationship with him was dysfunctional and the way you’re acting now is dysfunctional. Work on yourself. Figure out your shit. Then think about a relationship.
OOOH SNAAAAP! THE REAL OG IS HERE! You know what's up don't you Cookie Monster?
husband
keeps calling me his girlfriend
That sounds at minimum kind'a messed up.
he told me it was just because he doesn't want everybody to ask him a bunch of questions. He wants his “private life” to stay private.
I get that, but … if he managed to say you're his girlfriend, he could'a upgrade to wife/spouse … or stared with “partner” and worked it up to “life partner”, but continuing to say “girlfriend” is rather belittling of the relationship, and also really at least bit of a lie. If he really didn't want to talk about it he could've started off earlier with “I generally don't discuss that personal stuff.” – heck, work environment about all he'd ever need tell for the most part would be HR once married (notably for legal and benefits reasons). Though if he wears a ring, or coworkers might occasionally overhear a call or see him wearing ring, or whatever … well, folks do tend to be curious busybodies … can't entirely stop that, but can slow 'em down a lot … heck, I can think of a former coworker and friend that I've known for … over a quarter century. I don't now their sexual orientation or relatoinship status still to this day – they never brought it up – I never asked – I figure it's none 'o my business – if they want to share, fine, if they don't, that's fine too.
But your boyfriend's behavior is more problematic and/or possibly even suspicious. If he really didn't want to reveal that he's got a girlfriend, he probably could've managed that (with some effort, etc.) – but to say/acknowledge that he's got a girlfriend … and not bother to update describing that as at least life partner … or if he doesn't want to even acknowledge that status change, he could say something like, “yes, I continue to be in a relationship”, and leave it at that, and not put a label/descriptor on it beyond that. But still calling the relationship “girlfriend” … really? That's highly odd … at best.
he's been extra private with me and somewhat secretive
I think I may be starting to smell a rat. I mean sure, keep it relatively quiet, on the down low, but … “secretive”. If he's outright hiding it or lying about it, likely something's very seriously wrong.
told me that he was estranged from his family and didn't have any contact with them but I came home early from work the other day and he was on the phone with his relative
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
I didn't tell him what I heard about the rest because I still don't know how I feel about it and I'm still processing it and I don't want to start a fight.
Time to start those conversations – even if maybe it leads to a fight. Y'all need get it sorted, but something's definitely up.
not sure I'm ready for the truth
Truth will set you free!
don't know how to approach the conversation
Start it … figure out the approach later, if you need to. This sh*t's important, and y'all ought be able to well discuss it.
accused me of not trusting or believing him and that I was hurting his feeling
Well, that raises more red flags. You ought be able to ask, and he ought be able to well tell you what the hell's going on. Plain and simple. Not that horribly complex. Sure, trust … but if he's gonna behave like a secretive deceptive person, that's gonna make him – or anyone – a helluva lot harder to trust … so he's got some serious 'splainin' to do.
thought we had a good relationship
Well, if nothing else, the communication is seriously messed up – and that needs be straightened out – that's a huge part of any decent successful relationship.
I don't like it and feel very hurt
You need to tell him, and he's got some serious explaining to do. And bad that he's lying (e.g. to his coworkers), but if he's doing that sh*t to you too, sorry, but then it's a sh*t relationship … maybe fixable, maybe not.
worry I'm being used
Might very much be the case … or possibly not … but either way, time to get to the bottom of it, eh? So, start by having those conversations and asking him. Either he tells you the truth, and it all hangs together … or it'll all start unraveling … but at least you'll know or find out, rather than hanging out tortured indefinitely in limbo.
advice on how to approach him
Just flat out ask him. You're his wife for {God|other deity or non-god|fuck}'s sake.
I show total mistrust it could damage our relationship
Your relationship is already damaged. You want to have a fighting chance of fixing it, you need to ask those questions and have those conversations. Tell him how you feel, tell him how his behaviors are making you feel. Ask him to explain what's going on. Ask him to help you try and understand.
anything I can do to make that conversation easier or just less reactive I want to
No guarantees, you gotta plough forward. You don't have to be accusatory or anything like that, but explain and communicate how it makes you feel – unsure, scared, insecure, vulnerable, threatened, paranoid, … whatever, tell him.
say how I'm feeling
There 'ya go – you even said it yourself.
want to do his right.
Get started, doesn't have to be perfect – and getting moving on it is way better than sitting on it … so get a move on.
oh you worked so nude especially with med school. you absolutely deserve to go to your graduation. you deserve to celebrate yourself and your accomplishments. let people be mad at you. congratulations!
Sorry, I shouldn't have said child. I should have specified “toddler”.
A two year old will ask for something and then throw a fit when they get it, just like you've done here. Maybe check and see if you've got a shitty diaper or need a nap, you're very cranky. ?
Wellll, you seeee, Theeeee-oooo when you commit such a horrific transgression, you don't get to set limits on the other person's response. Brother may have been having a bad day that led him to say something so shitty but guess what? Boyfriend was having an even worse day, probably half a lifetime of putting up with asshole bigots.
Also, Brother wasn't only being shitty to Boyfriend, he was being shitty to his sister by insulting her choice in a mate (among other things that evening). Both of them should have installed a season's worth of footwear in his rectum. He thought he was safe to be a total asshole in the house. Turns out he wasn't as protected as he thought – and that's a good thing.
In other words, responding to your inner racist thoughts with silence is a better idea.
I agree what he said was stupid but she never says that he told her it was gross. Body parts look weird, doesn’t equal gross.
I don’t want to. I want to die. That was the point
Sounds like you're more invested in your relationship than he is. These are definitely red flags for a person you're in a committed relationship with.
Try to learn from your mistake. You can kill love and you did with your brutal behavior toward your child. You have a daughter, do better, stop thinking of yourself first. Respect your son’s decision. Stay out of his life. Be honest with your daughter when she is old enough to handle the truth of your betrayal of your son.
You’re still the asshole. Being pregnant is difficult and isolating enough, she doesn’t need to be worried about going into labor while you’re gone. Will you also leave her to parent and care for the baby after it’s born?
It does not matter one bit whether he meets the guy or not. He is very far past the line that defines cheating in a monogamous relationship. You can stay with him or not, that is your call but do so with the full knowledge that this man cheated on you already.
You were trusting and optimistic – those aren't bad things to be. But when it feels sketchy, take a step back and think about why that might be.
Next time there's a birthday among the staff take the initiative to get a card, then take it around for signatures. You sign first and just put your name to establish the precedent that it's names and not messages, then take it to her next. See what she writes. Then just pass it around to everyone else.
I think I needed to clarify his tone. He was relieved to not have gone down that path. But as you put it, it does feel horrible. I still feel horrible.
Im trying to sort out what this is. Jealousy? Hurt? I dunno.
I think… I will probably talk to him and try to get my own closire about Abby. Its just that conversation makes me scared because it feels like Im peering into a past I didnt want to think about. Thinking of my Husband with Abby makes me sick. Even if today Abby is a better person.
How do you even approach that subject? I cant walk in and go: “Hey hubby! Let's talk about your ex who's not technically an ex. I wanna know why you ever felt love towards her.” Like obviously not that…but how?
No you are not on the wrong side. She is unappreciative of a gift given her. Was this for a birthday, anniversary or was it because you were thinking of her?
You’re only wasting time my dude. Steer clear, big tuna. Head for open waters.
Yes part of me bought it as a gift, and yes part of me bought it was she wasn’t wearing her ex boyfriend anniversary gift. I didn’t think it was such a big deal until now where I’m apparently a jealous, insecure boyfriend.
well, by your own admission you are a jealous insecure boyfriend..so she isn't wrong.
This dynamic will be so painful and toxic and harmful for you if you stay. It will not change, or if it does, it may take decades. Literally decades. Decades of pain. If you don’t want that, then end this relationship now and find someone who is ready to put you and the life you build together first.
I believe that in a healthy relationship a girlfriend of three years would be invited to the party, or he would be very clear with you about what timeframe some family meet up was taking place and then he would be back with you. He would also be able to objectively explain his family issues to you and protect you from them and acknowledge their rudeness and stand up for you.
I have gone through similar with the man I married. I thought pre-marriage counselling would be enough to fix it. He told me everything I wants to hear before marriage. After marriage, his behaviour did not change. I was naive. And the family issues have been pure hell. The real pain is that he did not love me enough to protect our marriage and place me as his new family unit and inner circle the way it should be.
In this situation, you need to address his disrespect to you very seriously if you don’t want to live this way. Communicate with him about the birthday – remind him of your plans that you discussed and ask him to pls update you on his plan for the day. If he doesn’t want you to be a part of it, then if I were you, I would go stay somewhere else tonight – with people who truly value you. You can let him know you can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t include you or even explain to you about his birthday celebration.
In the US, but maybe not in OP‘s country
You can never trust him again. He's not remorseful for cheating and will continue to cheat if you stay.
Trust your gut! This is bad news.
He has….and believe me we have changed everything already, and there’s nothing left to test
What about her makes you want to remain married to her?
The dude saved $150k for a down payment by age 30. GTFO with this whole “needs to demonstrate” BS.
Most people don’t have $150k saved by age 30 so I’d say this guy has demonstrated far more responsibility than the average person.
I have this app you literally can just turn off your GPS, I only turn it on if I am using Google maps or want my wife to track me so we know when we're going to be close to home when picking up the kids for dinner.
You know what I think about why I don't feel like going home because I think I am scared of missing out. One of the things about me that I now understand
Tell him he can have his threesome, but you won't be one of the women.