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No you fool, it’s inappropriate lmao. I wouldn’t go drinking with men when my boyfriend wasn’t around just out of respect. You do you, though.
This is incredibly insightful and I appreciate your response. This helps a lot and is the exact mindset I’m trying to cultivate now after having loose boundaries for too long. Thank you! ❤️
I think you answered your own question. There's nothing wrong with ending a relationship because of your reasons, not everyone is made for everyone.
Was her decision to get drunk?
If so, and if she was the one who pursued her friend, then most likely its on her.
Congrats, you're judgmental and presumptuous.
What changed? You were ok with cheating before, but not now?
For people that really like hiking, a 4 hour trail isn't that naked in their eyes. He may just be unaware of what that means to you. You can simply tell him that you want to meet somewhere public the first time, and once you get to know him better you'd be down for a longer hike :).
I’ve tried. And a lot of the responses I get are “this is how you get to date me” and some reassurances, but it feels painful to get there. Now they are getting more and more frustrated because I get upset and it feels like a chore for them to manage. I feel like I haven’t felt completed healed from any of these instances so it’s naked when something else shows up. I am starting to feel more easily triggered. It’s a rough pattern. Trying to have a bigger talk about it tomorrow, but thought I may start here for other perspectives.
Forget it, indian with a white woman with a previous child, he is just trying to convince you that he wants to stay with you but at the end with the clear idea that he will marry in India and you will be his side chick.
Yes, you should seek couples counselling, but not to save your marriage.
You two will have a family together for the rest of your lives. Consciously uncoupling and building a healthy coparenting friendship will serve you and your family well.
I would also really suggest you start individual counselling, you’ll have a lot of complicated and messy feelings. A safe place to let them out in a constructive way will be really helpful.
Good luck
Your ex-husband is a disgusting, lying cheater.
Whatever you thought you had in your ex or in your former marriage, it was all predicated on lies. All of it.
Why do I say this? Because he’s going to beg and plead for your forgiveness, be on his best behavior, try to gaslight you…ANYTHING to avoid consequences. You have to stand firm. You are young, your marriage was young. Get a divorce, mourn the loss, get some therapy for perspective, take some time to be alone and be good to yourself, and maybe after a few years, fall in love again. Or not.
I am sorry.
But, trust me, you don’t want to have this divorce after nearly a decade of marriage, a mortgage, kids, etc. . NOW IS A PERFECT TIME TO YEET THIS JERK. Consider it an early holiday gift to yourself. You deserve it.
I’m sorry you had to experience this, but believe me, MUCH BETTER DAYS ARE AHEAD as a divorcée.
You need an abortion. There is nothing wrong with that.
Idk what this has to do with relationships but my brain hurts after trying to read that
He is always appreciative
Are you trying to have a baby ? Does she want to have a baby?
This!
You do not want to marry a drunk. Drinking unless it stopped is a progressive illness. He will only get worse and if he’s already having a naked time in the bedroom that will be your life. Just leave them.
I don’t understand why so many women’s bars are so so so low. Raise your bar, right now it’s so low you Bf can step right over!
You may “love your BF” but from the sound of it, he doesn’t love you, and certainly doesn’t put before any of his wants. You deserve so much more. Move out, move back in with your mom so that you can help her, AND help yourself! When you are ready to start dating again, make sure to raise your bar so that nobody can step over it or around it.
No partner can “forbid” you from doing anything. If you want to do it, and they don't want you to, you should break up with them.
No, its not your fault. At all. This was coersion. I'm so sorry.
Thank you, you have kind words and good advice. I did confront him about the whole “you can't have male friends” thing and he said that he was only joking, but at the time it didn't seem like it and he said that women can't have male friends way back when we first started dating so I know he wasnt joking.
And OP didn't even have to pay it! Her poor other friend.
Point out the line where your husband cares about you as a person, independent of his own desires.
Block her. The confrontation you are envisioning where she understands how she hurt you will not go the way you think it will. She’s getting what she wants because she can contact you at any time and fuck up your day. The only way to win this stupid game is to block her number. You’re too grown to be entertaining her.
She may not have realized how strongly she felt about it :/
OP, I’m going to ask you a series of questions to reflect on. Some you may agree with, and some maybe I missed the mark. It’s impossible to get a full understanding from a short paragraph and your responses to comments, but a few things stood out for me. I do think this is something to unpack with a professional therapist, because you seem to be approaching relationships in a very unhealthy way, and I wonder if you’ve had some emotional trauma of your own. Maybe you haven’t, but maybe there’s a reason you feel safe and comfortable in relationships with people who depend on you and who you feel are missing something without you, and that you can give them something they never had. Here goes.
Do you feel like you derive a lot of your intrinsic value as a human being in this world by how much you do for others? Is it possible you feel more secure in relationships with traumatized partners because they “need” you in a way that independent ones don’t? If so, are you concerned that, if they got enough love and acceptance elsewhere – beyond you, they wouldn’t need you anymore? (And could you see how that may create the potential for you to subconsciously not want them to get love from other sources beyond you, or therapy to become less reliant on you, and how that may create jealousy?)
You’ve spoken a lot about what your partners do to help you, and when you refer to your own value you assess it in terms of what you give to them. I understand it feels good to be needed. I understand that you feel like the centre of their world, and it makes you feel safer in a relationship to be needed. But what about things, unrelated to the relationship or making wither of you happy, do you bring to the table or seek out in partners? Because from what I’ve read it seems fairly co-dependent the way you’re thinking of relationships. If my partner were to wake up tomorrow and find me gone from this world of course he’d be sad, but he also doesn’t need me. I don’t fill some hole in his life, because he is already a whole person. He chooses to be with me because he wants to, and because life is better together, not because it would be unbearable to be apart, and not because I give him something nobody else has given him before. I’m more to him than what I can do for him, and vice versa.
You’re getting roasted, I think, because you come across as using vulnerable partners to feel better about yourself, to feel wanted, to feel desired… and that comes across as predatory. It reads to me as a fear of abandonment and insecurity as to your own value in a relationship beyond what you can give to others. People are concerned that you will keep your partners vulnerable in order to meet your own need to be wanted, desired, needed, and valued.
I don’t think people with trauma are more interesting. If you do, then maybe read about them in a book until you speak with a therapist about why you keep seeking them out over others. I do think that’s something to be concerned about. You’re not looking for an equal, but someone who needs you. It concerns a lot of people in your real life, and even more random people live it seems.
Also, I don’t expect you to answer any of these questions in a reply, just think about them yourself. And maybe speak with someone, because your desire to see these traits in partners leads to a worrying conclusion that you will perpetuate their trauma response state to make yourself feel more needed by your ability to provide for them. Your life is worth more than what you can give to others.
You've been holding on to this for 14 years?
Are you in therapy by chance? If not, please consider it. It would be immensely helpful.
In all kindness, this is a you problem.
You have a more anxious attachment style and he’s more of a secure attachment style. That’s why he’s not jealous. Jealousy is not an indication of how much you like someone, it’s about your own insecurities.
The things you listed wouldn’t bother me (44F) but I’ve had enough life experience to know that if someone is going to cheat, they’ll cheat and nothing you do as far as trying to control who they talk to or hang out with will change that.
If you’re uncomfortable with the things he is doing or saying, let him know. You’re not a passenger in the relationship. But I would do some deep digging to examine why you’re feeling so insecure. It is really naked to be with someone who questions your every move and intention and needs a lot of reassurance.
Based on just your title, I fully expected to have different advice. But like anything else, context matters.
This isn’t about her not being “clingy;” that’s a good thing. I also wouldn’t care that she’s not “swooning” over you.
But her saying flat out that she doesn’t miss you when you’re not around has the alarm bells ringing. Would I expect her to have a visceral reaction impacting her day to day life? Absolutely not. That’s be unhealthy. But not at all? That’s just weird if nothing else.
Unfortunately, it then got worse when she compares you to her ex. Why on earth would she say something like that? I don’t think you’re competing with him. I think she sees you as a convenience. It’s shitty and unfair to you.
To then say that you deserve better and that she feels like she’s a burden would suggest to me that she’s looking for a way out but wants you to be the one to do it. Because why say that?
Then your answer is to play games like a teenager and ghost her for a few days? What do you hope to gain by that? You want her to be your wife and mother of your children. Have you asked her if that’s what she wants?
I appreciate this advice! It's genuine but asking good questions! When I lived alone, I ended up having to get an afternoon job and worked late because I had been fired for not being on time previously. I probably get about 10 or 11 hours if he doesn't wake me but go to bed at 11PM and wake up at 9 or 10.
I've heard pineapple juice works wonders.
He may be in a relationship and, like many relationships, there may be a rule in place that they don’t talk to Exes or people who might be romantically interested.
Hm. I guess?
Everyone’s “recharge” rate is different. For her it might be a couple of weeks before she feels the urge again. It can also change drastically during a persons lifetime. In 5-8 years it will likely be the complete opposite
Did she meet him or is it only text?
OP this is incredibly disturbing and devastating. It says a lot about your husband and how he views women and you. He readily dehumanizes women in order to loan them out to his less sexually successful brother. He doesn’t care about their consent or autonomy. He thinks it is permissible to lie, deceive and violate the women he’s in a relationship with. You’re not safe with him. No woman is.
He doesn’t care if you have sex with his brother because on a fundamental level he does not comprehend your personhood. He views you as an object and therefore “shareable”. There is no possibility for you to have a happy life with him and at this point…why would you want to? You can’t stay with a man who sexually abuses you and please make no mistake — that’s exactly what this is.
I hope you run far away from this man. I hope you seek therapy and the comfort of friends and family. I hope you’re able to move on from this. I know he’s your only relationship but you’re still young and you have a lot of time to heal and move on with your life. Please take that opportunity and never look back.
You shared a boundary and she crossed it. If she doesn't see a problem with it, then you aren't compatible and should cut your losses.
Nail on the head here.
upvotes comment, leaves
She's known him since he was 8.
Her friend thinks it was gross. That's all that really matters.
Not even considering that they are best friends
You should generally stay away from banging your A) Roommate B) Roommate's family.
Because it creates a messy living situation. And she did both.
I will be blunt. At 38, need to do it now if you ever want kids. If this is major to you, no matter what, go do it now.
You need to face that he might walk away.
Go to a fertility clinic and get a sperm donor if you don’t want to use the embryos if you want to leave him out of it. But waiting any longer is accepting that you might never have kids. Indecision is him telling you he might not want kids. He can change his mind later if you split up. You are running out of time.
You allow him to do it, that's why. You've accepted this behavior for years. Why do you stay when he clearly has no respect?
Seriously, though, you can do better. You deserve better.
when people stop trying so naked to win over their new partner and the mask slips off to reveal reality.
There's often a character you play at the start to prove you are a doting partner and then a time where normal comfort levels kick in and you stop trying to impress and woo them so much.
He sounds like a hobosexual.
You'll be cleaning his shitstains as soon as he moves in.