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Does that mean he brushed away your feelings as if they don’t matter?
Because that’s a more important matter than whether or not he stays the night over there. If he took your feelings seriously and reassured you properly you might feel better about the arrangement too.
You know, my parents divorced when I was a kid and there was so much drama and conflict back then that when I became single and started dating again in my 30s I quickly decided that I would not date a guy with kids (I have no kids myself either). That would exclude a lot of great guys, but I know myself well enough to know that I would not like to have parts of my life decided by someone else outside of the relationship (as in the ex).
What happened in this case for you, him deciding to spend the night at his ex’s place without talking to you first before it was decided, that would be a deal breaker for me. It’s not about whether or not spending the night is OK. It’s about actively caring for the new relationship and giving reassurance and showing respect to the new partner before making the final decision. If this had happened, would you have felt better about it and maybe said it was OK?
This is a FAFO situation. Sounds like ya’lls partners wanted to enjoy each other and we’re glad you two were reluctant. Ask your husband why he didn’t want you to enjoy yourself.
Group sex is a learning opportunity. A lot of feelings come up that are unexpected. It’s important to give grace to your partners and talk after with an open mind to learn and do differently if needed next time.
I think it would be perfectly fine to say what you did here. The other husband could see that you were uncomfortable and confused and did his best to make you feel safe and relaxed. Not having done this before you didn’t know how to incorporate all four of you at once and you were grateful this guy helped you feel less confused. You also weren’t aware that the other two expected you guys to essentially watch them have fun while being a sideshow to their plan. How Selfish and unfair.
I hope ya’ll can recover from this and pro-tip – don’t do this with colleagues it can get messy and spill over into your personal and professional life.