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You're right to be confused and hurt. Let yourself go through it, just make sure you come out the other side. I promise you there's a good life for you without him in it, you just can't see it yet.
As an honest opinion: If he didn't even include you in his decision making process, he wasn't much of a partner to you and probably wouldn't have been a good long-term partner anyway. He was only there for the good times, not the very hot times.
Being partners means you share, discuss and weigh options. If he wasn't willing to do that for you, it sounds like he had made his mind up some time ago.
I'd try to be glad he showed his true colours within a year, that's a blessing in disguise.
A final thing, for when you're not hurting as much as now: You can still cherish that you got to have something fun and nice, even if for only a while. Learn something about how you want to online life from this. You said he showed you places you haven't been, maybe think about places you'd like to visit? Even if it's just a restaurant in town. Reclaim your life that way. He might not be in it but maybe he showed you something you need to do for yourself.
You got this ❤️
im on meds and have seen a therapist and psychiatrist. i’m working on getting better. i’m not upset because he doesn’t want to be with me bc i know it’s not healthy. it was the point of him being open to seeing me then turning completely cold on me. i know i probably shouldn’t have went but i really just wanted to see him one last time before we cut things off. i didn’t have anything to say or argue about and he knew. i’m just hurt by the whole thing
Tbh I didn't really start feeling this way until he kept them from me. I was completely fine with it until I saw a bunch of notifications from Facebook with their names. I asked who the ones I saw were and he said he didn't really talk to them much. He ended up having a whole group chat I didn't know about until I saw it myself by glance. Our communication has never been an issue it's just this topic I don't feel right expressing these feelings since I know it's not fair to say he can't be friends with them, I don't want that I want him to have friends. It mostly hurt me because of how many was a secret. I only know what I've seen and he has told me I do need more reassurance than him telling me I'm all he wants and he loves me because he does it every day. Every time he's had or expressed an insecurity I went out of my way to make sure he could see my conversations, I reassured him by telling him how I met that person, how often we talked and more until he felt more secure. I really didn't mind since I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong. I just feel so uneasy I didn't know about them even if it is all friendly it's a breach of what we had to agreed to before.
Even if he is your everything, you can never place that amount of importance on a person. You were a person before you met him, and you’re still that person now.
Follow your dreams and the rest will follow. Best of luck.
There are so many different kinds. If one doesn’t sit well, your doctor can find one that’s a better fit.
I only felt guilty until she found out which is the worst part. I manipulated her into believing she’s the issue when I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror. I wanted to end things as soon as she found out. She said I’m only acting like this because I truly do feel guilty. I was angry that she found and in turn became childish to reverse it on her. We all know she deserves better, me you her everyone that commented on this post including myself… we agreed to take time apart to see where we stand. She deserves better, she just wants a better version of myself.
There's no “supposed to”, meaning no one right level of engagement. If you two were happy with this level of engagement, that'd be great. You're not. But you choose not to communicate that. If you did, maybe things would change. Maybe he'd leave you. Maybe he'd make more of an effort to prioritize your relationship. I have to ask you – at this point, if he's unwilling to try harder, wouldn't you be happier if he ended things?
They’re super down to support this new normalized idea of what mental illness looks like, not actual mental illness. I am not trying to sound invalidating, but, with this trend of “normalize mental illness”, there’s a point at which the empathy, understanding & support no longer seems to exist for those that unfortunately are affected more severely.
Any advice on what to say?
I think you need to end the relationship. It is absolutely unfair that you're not only unwilling to participate in sexual activities but you're also stopping him from doing anything as well.
This sounds like real advice. I thought this was reddit.
Yeah homeboy was 100% hoping for a “well let me help you with that” response. Quite the charmer. ?
It doesn’t sound like he was stalking tbf
Other way around
Never trust someone else on the matter of birth control. I hope she's full of shit, lying about the pregnancy. Or if she is pregnant that it's not yours. It's a terribly shitty thing to trap another person into a relationship or parenthood. Your best bet is to break it off and wait for the birth of the baby, then get a paternity test. Good luck OP.
From your replies to comments it seems you're not really looking for opinions, just validation of the decision you've already made. It's a dick move to alter plans with your partner last minute for people you've known for 3 weeks. You can justify it how ever you want but I doubt you'll find many people that agree with you.
I would give him an ultimatum: New Years resolution to get his eating under control or we need to part ways . Do you want to spend 50 years w/ an obese man that doesn’t care ? Take a look at the app Cronometer . There is a good free version .
Thank you for this perspective. I do not want to end up in this position, I am sorry you dod
Fuck that loser. There’s a reason he’s not with someone his own age. Either kick him out of the house or leave yourself. You can do some much better than him.
She told me that she will let another man raise my kids. If hurts man
Why the FUCK are you preying on a girl who is barely an adult? There is obviously something so wrong with you that women your own age are repulsed by you.
Good lord, just end it. You are 28, not 18.
If you’re needing a break after only two months then it’s probably not going to work. At the very least I would ask all of the questions you listed before proceeding
It’s really not that hard to control your behavior though. Feel what you feel but keep it internal. Giggling and blushing is a result of fixating on the crush. If OP focuses on her work and ignores him except for professional matters — she should be fine.
Yea he’s not interested in talking I think. The guy just wants sex
I definitely like the girl I got engaged with. She comes from a very humble background and I have always liked her ever since I have met her.
Oof… Yeah, OP that is a very valid reason to be upset and good on you for being quick to put the pieces together. I'm sorry 🙁
I mean it’s kinda shitty that it’s his best friend but they are all adults
It hurts but staying will only hurt worse. Gather evidence, get individual therapy/counseling, pack your things and leave. Work out in the gym, spend time with family and friends, stay away from alcohol, take up boxing or something, and distract yourself (in a healthy way) through the process. Remember: you’re letting go of who you thought she was, not who she really is.
She wants to avoid awkwardness and that’s why she’s gonna stay with him. She truly believes he won’t try anything again. He didn’t make any physical moves on her, just verbal so she thinks it’s okay. I just can’t change her mind and I don’t even know if I should insist that hard
You self sabotage your own sex life by asking those questions and it really all falls on you to get passed, I’ve read so many stories like yours on Reddit where it eventually lead to the break up cause the guy couldn’t get mentally past the issue. So it’s really on you can you can you keep going with your girl knowing there are men out there with bigger dicks then you. That’s straight up what it all boils down to. Good luck hope you figure it out!✌?
So go to the police.
Please let his own parents know what he did. Stop by their house with a box full of his belongings and when they ask why, tell them. They raised him to be like this, they can see what this resulted in. If they raised him better than this? Then he gets to realize how badly he disappointed them. AT LEAST file a report, please. Take a friend with you. Get yourself good and worked up and mad first to help get past the hurt. Text him to ask him why he did this, tell him you KNOW it was on purpose, you just want to know why he took an intimate video of you without your consent and put it on social media…which means you can decide again in a few weeks with proof of his behavior. And send that to his parents, too. Letting his family and if possible friends know what sort of person he REALLY is, is a gift to them and to yourself. Finally, do remember that if he has NO consequences besides losing someone he didn't really care about to start with…he's going to do it to additional future victims. If you need a small final push, that thought might help. Please, if it's not the law, DO give him consequences by letting his family know. And the next person he tries this with, they can warn and will hopefully believe because they KNOW he did it to you 🙁
She wants what she's never gonna have again, and she's willing to toss family away for a booty call. That's all he sees her as, she should be better than this.
Your life will get a lot easier and less stressful when he’s gone.
Your mother is ridiculous and wrong.
It’s so simple: If you and your husband are both in agreement that you will be happy as is, then that is *all that matters. No one else has an opinion or “truth” that is more important.
Good for you.
Unforeseen allies and helpers.
It's not your fault.
He's a major abuser … in multiple ways.
sober, he’s an angel
No he's not; he's just quite temporarily not an immediate threat, etc.
depressed and anxious
Those may be, or be in part, explanations, but they are never excuses.
He told me that now he wants to kill himself
That's also a form of abuse.
He's also sick in the head, and probably an alcoholic.
I kicked him out my apartment
Good, fine, nothing wrong with that, and highly appropriate.
my messages and calls aren’t going through
So what? Maybe he's decided to ghost you and run away – in which case lucky you! Maybe his drunk *ss didn't pay his mobile bill.
terrified he has actually killed himself because of what I said
You didn't say or do anything inappropriate. It's all on him.
And don't worry about what you can't control, and don't know. You can't control him, and dear knows what's happened with him – he's terrified you plenty – fair chance he's doing yet more of that by tossing out suicide threat then running off and cutting communication – his abuse hasn't stopped.
advice
Let his *ss go, don't worry, you can't control him. And, he threatened suicide, call the authorities to report it – let them worry about and deal with it – and him. He's not your problem – be done with it – and him. No more letting him manipulate you.
vent
And sure, within reason, some venting is good. So pour out your thoughts to Reddit and 'da Interwebs. 🙂
feel so guilty for the harsh things I said
You spoke truth – nothin' to feel guilty 'bout there.
I’m so worried about him
Don't be. He's his own disaster – and damn little to nothing you can do about that. Let it/him go.
I love him.
No, that's addiction, or codependency. You don't love him, you're terrified of him and by him. That's not love.
he does go to therapy
he messaged me back. Now the only thing is what to do next
Don't let him back. If you've got his therapist's info., contact them too and inform them of his suicide threat(s).
He's a disaster of a person, you need to detach yourself from him – he's already dragged you into his disaster far too much – you need to cut him loose. Get on with your life. His life, he'll do whatever he's gonna do with it – you really can't do diddly with that, and he'll only continue to suck the life blood out of you if you remain involved with him.
People on this sub just expect people to never ever be insecure about anything. Nobody is a perfectly logical robot.
He’s experiencing some cognitive dissonance and it’ll probably take some time for him to get over it. Chill out.
Not for the guys she's slept with, not because she've been friends with her ex, but because she slept with him multiple times.
it was interesting that you left for the pictures
it's okay if she has sex but you say the picture is forbidden
This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen…
I feel this will make it near impossible for you two to move on from each-other.
Yes, you may not be in a relationship… but you're likely to do a lot of things that is inside a relationship. Keeping yourselves invested.
Also… if either of you start to pursue other people down the road.. most are going to look at your situation and see it has a red-flag. No one will want to get involved with a person who has actively been sleeping with their ex.
I think you two should be giving it your all, or none at all…
You are never going to be enough, ever.
He is never going to treat you well, ever.
He is never going to change. Ever.
So, the question becomes, what do you want from your life? To be this man's verbal punching bag for his cruel entertainment? To never meet any other man who could treasure you? Nobody is going to come save you. This is on you.
You broke her trust, the only way to make it work is to win it back. The only way to gain trust back is to behave the way you should from the beginning. In relation to having omitted things from the past, you know you were wrong and you will need to work hard to perhaps make things better.
This. Any woman that walks eyes open into someone else's marriage is trash. Any man who is married and cheats on his wife with set trash is a bigger pile of trash!
He has an obligation to his family yes but u know he has a family why the fuck would u want to be with a man that can so easily fuck over a woman he made vows to and expect what?
That he just likes u better? Nope. Newly married men don't cheat because they are unhappy at home, they cheat because they are AHs and want a quick side piece they can screw and hide like a dirty little secret.
Jesus OP want better for yourself than that!
Sounds crazy …. pity the bf, the sex must be very damn good ….
Yeah, I kinda had the whole standby/backup thing in the back of my head and this is what I think has been messing me up. I'm not 100% sure on if I'm willing to do that to myself. I mean I really like her but I'm also not going to sit idly by waiting for something that could likely never appear
“Weve been on and off for abt 5 years-” “we love each and care about one another-” “we have always been pretty toxic but we keep trying to work things out-“
Be so fucking for real rn. You'll break it off and just get back together with him.
Exactly. If you are a full grown adult and able to realize how easy it is to track messages, they might just not message at all and could arrange hook ups entirely face to face while at work.