Hello OP, Let see this this way. He came back to you and wanted to be with you. But the fact that he use a FWB to cope with the break up is a bad sign. No relationship is perfect OP, no BF is without flaw. You have have to tell him what you feel. This is a healthy event for the relationship too. We have a tendency to idealize our relationships and partner ( I gave my all, he/she was my life) and this wake up call is good. Tell him what you feel. It was not a betrayal but a red flag nonetheless. Tell him to come clean if there is something in his closet
My advice to you would be to try and stick it out until you graduate in order to have your mom keep paying and to be able to get a better job where you can support yourself.
That said, if your mental health is just too bad then you need to prioritize that but you also need to have a plan for how you're going to support yourself or where you're going to go.
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Honestly? Just enjoy the bland gifts he had as back ups because he knew who you are and never wear the pendants – that’ll just twist the knife every time he sees them on you. And give him a list of suitably expensive gifts that you like for the future. A car (leased) with a big red bow, for example.
This is going to be very hot for you. They will forever be tied if that child is his and she isn’t doing anything wrong by posting/tagging in things that pertain to the baby. Co-parenting takes a lot of work and commitment. They will constantly be communicating with each other about the child of course. she might call him in the middle of the night or in the middle of a date because the child is sick and he will leave to be with the child. Also, spending holidays around her. Her being at his families events. The list goes on and on. And no matter what they are the parents. It’s nice that you will like to be the step mom. Not discouraging you just letting you know it’s hard being stepparent.
No worries that’s not harsh. That makes sense. . I just wish I wasn’t the one he’s doing this to. Also I sort of think, for some reason, that he is oblivious about how bad the stealthing thing is. I bet he thinks that’s normal. So it’s probably not occurring to him that that behavior is offputting. He probably has convinced himself due to his huge ego that I’m devastated he rejected me.
Bc this situation is such a dumpster fire I also neglected to mention that the same day he rejected me he also contacted one of my friends telling him how he hurt my feelings bc he likes someone else. Bc I didn’t respond to his texts fast enough or the way he wanted I guess. I was mortified. And I really want to forget this happened. Being around him and “friends” would only remind me. Of course I don’t want to be friends with someone who did all this. His huge ego has himself convinced it’s all bc I’m devastated by the rejection
I just got some extremely upsetting news from my estranged family a few weeks ago. Started trauma therapy immediately, all the things.
I have a 6th grader and in my head every time I think about him lately, I'm about to use his name in conversation or when talking to him, I catch myself thinking my younger brother's name instead of my son's name. They do slightly resemble each other. I absolutely did NOT do this before my estranged family reached out a few weeks ago. I know it's a problem and result of those people getting back in touch. I left a message for my trauma therapist today so we could discuss it briefly between out weekly sessions, but I know it's abnormal. A result of childhood abuse.
Just Run. I don’t know what is wrong with your bf, but his reaction is not healthy for you or him.
Don’t try to fix it further. You tried. It’s been flagged by others, here it is again.
OP I saw your other comment. Trying to get evidence against her could be dangerous. Your best bet is to report her name to local authorities and see if they can do anything but if it’s actually been years I’m not optimistic, then again, you never know if she actually stopped or not. I really suspect the only reason she told you is because you two ran into someone who knew her secret and she was afraid you would somehow find out.
Being that we don’t online together I didn’t think it was an issue I’m not choosing Porn over actual intimacy infact I’m about to inform her that I will stop and no there is no addiction I just can’t be intimate with her sometimes when the occasion arrives because of life ?
she knew there would be no one who would treat her better as I would have done
Step off your high horse, dude. She's going to have a better idea of what she wants for a partner than you would.
She's not into you like that. It sucks but that's part of dating. Don't get into the “I'M THE BEST SHE COULD EVER HAVE” mindset because that's not going to get you anywhere.
As a divorcing betrayed spouse, you shouldn’t feel any guilt. If you didn’t know, it’s all on him. Please consider telling his wife. Do it in a safe way, you don’t know how she’ll react. Or how he will.
There is only one reason in this world why he would be spending the night at her house. Deep down you already know this. You are 21. You have your entire life ahead of you and you will meet a man who doesn’t put you in this kind of situation.
I mean they were in an open relationship for a year already so it’s not like this is some sort of shocking out of nowhere interests. It just seems like they both are wanting different things, she wants to continue with how things were and he doesn’t. It seems she is feeling trapped as well, it would probably be best for them to split.
It’s okay for people to want what they want, and at the same time you have to be willing to admit that this isn’t going to work rather than both of them try to force what they want on each other and hang on by threads.
Woah. Dude. This does not sound healthy At All. The fact that you felt guilty and ashamed when she walked in on you tells me a few things.
You probably have some unaddressed shame around masturbating, and/or You have not discussed what is okay and what is not okay with your partner (“Is porn out of bounds?” is the major discussion that should have been had a long time ago), and/or She pressures you and makes you feel uncomfortable for doing other things you want to do (I don't necessarily think this is likely based on what you've written here, but please have an honest look at the rest of your relationship and ask yourself if this is a thing that happens)
Masturbating is normal. It would be understandable if you weren't giving her much sexual attention and instead were only masturbating, but that is not the dynamic you have described.
You need to just break up and move on. Not only did she cheat, she’s probably still doing so. The only thing she’s sorry about is that she got caught. And when she gets caught again, she’s going to use all those lines she’s giving you as the reason for it.
But I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to ask you not to jerk off when she’s around
The amount of people in this thread who seem to think that it's A-OK to *expect* their partner to not masturbate is fucking astounding to me. I had no idea.
Lol … sorry but can’t stop laughing.
Hello OP, Let see this this way. He came back to you and wanted to be with you. But the fact that he use a FWB to cope with the break up is a bad sign. No relationship is perfect OP, no BF is without flaw. You have have to tell him what you feel. This is a healthy event for the relationship too. We have a tendency to idealize our relationships and partner ( I gave my all, he/she was my life) and this wake up call is good. Tell him what you feel. It was not a betrayal but a red flag nonetheless. Tell him to come clean if there is something in his closet
Leave you deserve better treatment than that.
My advice to you would be to try and stick it out until you graduate in order to have your mom keep paying and to be able to get a better job where you can support yourself.
That said, if your mental health is just too bad then you need to prioritize that but you also need to have a plan for how you're going to support yourself or where you're going to go.
Wow, one whole ass fight and you’re ready to leave. Do him the favor and gtfo out
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There is a reason for the saying “you dont look a gift horse in the mouth”
Meditate on that
Honestly? Just enjoy the bland gifts he had as back ups because he knew who you are and never wear the pendants – that’ll just twist the knife every time he sees them on you. And give him a list of suitably expensive gifts that you like for the future. A car (leased) with a big red bow, for example.
This is going to be very hot for you. They will forever be tied if that child is his and she isn’t doing anything wrong by posting/tagging in things that pertain to the baby. Co-parenting takes a lot of work and commitment. They will constantly be communicating with each other about the child of course. she might call him in the middle of the night or in the middle of a date because the child is sick and he will leave to be with the child. Also, spending holidays around her. Her being at his families events. The list goes on and on. And no matter what they are the parents. It’s nice that you will like to be the step mom. Not discouraging you just letting you know it’s hard being stepparent.
No worries that’s not harsh. That makes sense. . I just wish I wasn’t the one he’s doing this to. Also I sort of think, for some reason, that he is oblivious about how bad the stealthing thing is. I bet he thinks that’s normal. So it’s probably not occurring to him that that behavior is offputting. He probably has convinced himself due to his huge ego that I’m devastated he rejected me.
Bc this situation is such a dumpster fire I also neglected to mention that the same day he rejected me he also contacted one of my friends telling him how he hurt my feelings bc he likes someone else. Bc I didn’t respond to his texts fast enough or the way he wanted I guess. I was mortified. And I really want to forget this happened. Being around him and “friends” would only remind me. Of course I don’t want to be friends with someone who did all this. His huge ego has himself convinced it’s all bc I’m devastated by the rejection
Run. Run like the wind.
I just got some extremely upsetting news from my estranged family a few weeks ago. Started trauma therapy immediately, all the things.
I have a 6th grader and in my head every time I think about him lately, I'm about to use his name in conversation or when talking to him, I catch myself thinking my younger brother's name instead of my son's name. They do slightly resemble each other. I absolutely did NOT do this before my estranged family reached out a few weeks ago. I know it's a problem and result of those people getting back in touch. I left a message for my trauma therapist today so we could discuss it briefly between out weekly sessions, but I know it's abnormal. A result of childhood abuse.
Just Run. I don’t know what is wrong with your bf, but his reaction is not healthy for you or him.
Don’t try to fix it further. You tried. It’s been flagged by others, here it is again.
Run.
They are absolutely having a intimate relationship and you are love blind.
You are young enough you can find someone to treat you with respect and make you feel good about yourself.
Don’t let any man treat you like shit. Let him have his tinder profile and whatever other woman that will fall for his charm.
Be strong chick??
Depends on how much YOU value empathy in your partner. I would have done the same thing.
You can just say no.
OP I saw your other comment. Trying to get evidence against her could be dangerous. Your best bet is to report her name to local authorities and see if they can do anything but if it’s actually been years I’m not optimistic, then again, you never know if she actually stopped or not. I really suspect the only reason she told you is because you two ran into someone who knew her secret and she was afraid you would somehow find out.
I mean it’s definitely fun ????♀️
Being that we don’t online together I didn’t think it was an issue I’m not choosing Porn over actual intimacy infact I’m about to inform her that I will stop and no there is no addiction I just can’t be intimate with her sometimes when the occasion arrives because of life ?
She’s in nursing school but she doesn’t know she can get hooked on meth?!? Lmfaooo ???
she knew there would be no one who would treat her better as I would have done
Step off your high horse, dude. She's going to have a better idea of what she wants for a partner than you would.
She's not into you like that. It sucks but that's part of dating. Don't get into the “I'M THE BEST SHE COULD EVER HAVE” mindset because that's not going to get you anywhere.
As a divorcing betrayed spouse, you shouldn’t feel any guilt. If you didn’t know, it’s all on him. Please consider telling his wife. Do it in a safe way, you don’t know how she’ll react. Or how he will.
Just bring him anyway. You sound like you’re making unnecessary drama and problems
I really hope OP sees this. You are absolutely right on everything!!
There is only one reason in this world why he would be spending the night at her house. Deep down you already know this. You are 21. You have your entire life ahead of you and you will meet a man who doesn’t put you in this kind of situation.
Yes it is ?
Most men would take that as an invitation to have sex with you and some would take the opportunity for an easy fuck.
It's a weird gift to send someone who wasn't talking to you.
Can I just point out,
Your father would have known she planned to wear a white dress. And he would have known her reason for doing this. And he still went along with it.
He's as much of a piece of shit as she is. And he's spineless.
Precisely. As Cheryl from Archer put it “You're a moped. Mopeds are fun, but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.”
I mean they were in an open relationship for a year already so it’s not like this is some sort of shocking out of nowhere interests. It just seems like they both are wanting different things, she wants to continue with how things were and he doesn’t. It seems she is feeling trapped as well, it would probably be best for them to split.
It’s okay for people to want what they want, and at the same time you have to be willing to admit that this isn’t going to work rather than both of them try to force what they want on each other and hang on by threads.
Woah. Dude. This does not sound healthy At All. The fact that you felt guilty and ashamed when she walked in on you tells me a few things.
You probably have some unaddressed shame around masturbating, and/or You have not discussed what is okay and what is not okay with your partner (“Is porn out of bounds?” is the major discussion that should have been had a long time ago), and/or She pressures you and makes you feel uncomfortable for doing other things you want to do (I don't necessarily think this is likely based on what you've written here, but please have an honest look at the rest of your relationship and ask yourself if this is a thing that happens)
Masturbating is normal. It would be understandable if you weren't giving her much sexual attention and instead were only masturbating, but that is not the dynamic you have described.
Once a month? I’ve ended relationships for the same reason. Don’t blame you.
You need to just break up and move on. Not only did she cheat, she’s probably still doing so. The only thing she’s sorry about is that she got caught. And when she gets caught again, she’s going to use all those lines she’s giving you as the reason for it.
But I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to ask you not to jerk off when she’s around
The amount of people in this thread who seem to think that it's A-OK to *expect* their partner to not masturbate is fucking astounding to me. I had no idea.