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No, I understand perfectly. He's misunderstood her and I'm translating 🙂
While I agree with the other sentiments that if you’re saying things like ‘you’d be dating if single’.. then you’re almost certainly overstepping some boundaries. And it sounds like you just have strong new person sexual energy.
However, there is a real chance that this person is a more fulfilling match. You started your relationship young and there is a lot of growing you do in that time. It could be this person is more suitable. Or, it might just mean that this person has awoken you to issues in your relationship that would be there regardless of a new party.
But you also have to value the time you’ve put in together and the depth that can bring. I agree you should speak to your partner about it if it becomes unbearable before just ending it. Either way, you really should show your parter more respect and make sure you arnt flirting etc and if this person is expressing her attraction then I think you should be shutting that down too while still in a relationship. You can be friends with boundaries.
Nah I think you are fine here, even if you were a guy.
Okay. Few people are okay with sex workers as their partners. He has stated his boundary. You need to decide if you are okay with him dictating what you do. If the job and money are more important, then go do it, but be prepared for a divorce.
I’d post on a subreddit catered to your culture. I find that I tend to get very bland advice when it comes to navigating cultural intricacies, ie setting boundaries with parents
I think it’s because we‘ve seen a lot here going down on Reddit. people just assume things because there are so many crazies out there.
Also the way he talks it seems like the doesn‘t respect you enough to respect your boundaries and talks to you like a child. Given the small context we have of him in your post it seems like he has a very controlling personality and he doesn’t take you seriously at all.
So I understand people assume he has the potential to snap.
Imagine getting glow in the dark nipple piercings that'll fuck up your nipples instead of titanium ones.
my partner changes with other female friends? like a lot of dudes don’t understand it but it’s a thing girls do n just get hard around each other. never considered that as competition lmao. u gonna start flipping out on him when he’s in the gym locker room showering?
I dunno. It sounds like you were really really messed up then.
Your friends were not born with a built in Manual that teaches them:
“This Is How I Will Behave if One of My Closest Friends/GF Thinks She Might Unalive Themself”
Frankly, I think you should give BOTH of them a Golden Pass and walk off into the sunset breathing a huge fucking Sigh of Relief that two people who clearly care about you a lot had the presence of mind to get together and see if two could do better than one to help you.
I'm sorry, but your anger here seems misplaced.
You have recently been legitimately diagnosed with a serious mental illness and these two long time friends still have your back.
I think you need to step back and ask yourself what are you really upset about.
This feels both off and targetted.
Here is the question: “What in your life will get better if you can get her to leave?”
I don't see an issue with not messaging back on her timeline. Probably shouldn't have lied about why you didn't, but I could rant for days about how the introduction of instanst messaging technology has been as much of a curse as it is a blessing. But suffice it to say, I am a firm believer that you don't ever need to respond to messages on any timeline except your own. (Obvious excepts include work and emergencies, but this was neither.)
I do think you would be rude to just block, but I don't think it would be rude to send a message and block immediately. She is clearly detrimental to your mental health. I don't know how much of that is her fault and how much may just be your issues with conflict or communication or anything else, but you don't have to keep her in your life if you don't want to.
“Hi (ex), I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to cut communication. Being in contact hasn't been good for my mental health, and Ive come to the decision that it's time to move forward instead. While I don't regret being together again, I think it's important now that we put our past behind us.
I would appreciate it if you do not attempt to contact me again. I wish you all the best.”
Sociopaths have great futures. They are highly represented among corporate chairs and Top tier law firms.
Finding the right therapist can be a huge battle. If you don’t vibe with a therapist it’s okay to go and look for another therapist who is a better fit. They get paid, yes, but that’s because they chose a job of helping people. Personally, I really believe in therapy, as long as it’s the right fit.
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??
I just want to mention that just because its the grandma doesnt mean nothing bad will happen.
Just a year or two ago there was a story in the news about a mom who was allowing the grandma and grandmas partner to do pedophilic stuff to the kids without the dad knowing about it
And there was another similar story where the mom was letting grandma beat the kid whenever she wanted to, to the point where grandma would literally text mom “hey is granddaughter available at 5:30, i want to get out some frustrations”
Did he ask specifically? If not I wouldn’t be providing that information unsolicited. I personally don’t like to hear about past experiences with other people unless I asked specifically. Hopefully it works out for you guys.
This doesn't shift the blame away from your husband by any means. But this was a calculative move by your friend.
No one has messages, even the same handset, from 2014. Do you have messages in your phone from 9 years ago?
She didn't tell you when this was happening, she didn't tell you – hey OP, the guy you're about to marry has been professing his love for me dont marry him. Wouldn't you have done that for your bestfriend?
I can bet at that time she was already in a happy relationship and that's why she didn't care much about you or your husband
She has always been the pretty friend who gets all the attention. Now she is divorced and her formally 'less pretty' friend (you, sorry) is happier and in a more stable relationship than her. She had yo come claim it.
I think you should discuss this with your husband, if you haven't already, that she came into your lives to ruin it and see what he says.
And OP, for the sake of your own sanity you need to kick this man out of your house and get some space. Atleast go to a lawyer's consultation to see what they say. You dont need to stay in this prison
Stop the sex, start dating him. If he only wants the sex, you have an answer. If he wants to date more without the sex, then there you go. You can always go back to the sex after you start growing together in other ways.
Dumb
You REALLY need to rescind that “just a phone call away” offer, and block her. She's just awful.
But its okay for you to be so quick to accuse someone you don't know? Based on some random rumour with zero evidence or proof?
You only have a problem if he defended anyone convicted of CSA. Or someone you know for a fact, beyond a doubt, is a pedophile.
You should blame her.
She cheated then hid it from you.
Have y’all actually talked about how you want to handle your finances as a couple? Just because you would do something in a heartbeat doesn’t mean she would do the same and she’s not obligated to feel so just because you do.
“Monogamy is the construct of the patriarchy, designed to limit women's sexual freedom”.
“Marriage as an institution is a form of slavery for women”
This things would only be true if men weren't subject to the exact same expectations in both scenarios.
Are you quite sure it was intentionally hurtful? Obviously I don’t know everything that happened, I feel a bit invested in this to be honest because I could definitely see myself doing this and having no malicious intentions behind it. It’s totally valid that you found it hurtful and in no way am I saying you shouldn’t let her know that you did find it hurtful. I’m just not 100% on my end that she meant it that way. Could it just be a lack of tact or misunderstanding of your feelings on her part?
You make a really good point about the sneaky stuff and the obvious stuff.
My past four out of five relationships, there was some infidelity. And I’m aware that I’m bringing those issues into this relationship.
I’ve had my own thoughts similar to what you described and realized I could just be looking for things to catch her. It’s exhausting. I just wish that my suspicions would go away on there own. Not sure how to just up the trust. Trying to keep busy Nd talk about it in therapy, but my gut/paranoia gets the best of me.
Thanks for reading my previous comments for the full context.
He’s plenty old enough to know what he wants. My first thought is that he’s missing you, and is saying what he thinks you want to hear so that you’ll get back together.
Which sucks. But it’s not really your issue either! If I were in your shoes, I would simply cut off contact and move on with my life
“I apologize for overstepping and ruining our friendship. I betrayed your trust and that is not okay. I don't expect your forgiveness, but you deserve to know that I am acknowledging where I went wrong. I will not contact you again.”
If you condone cheating, that’s you. But this woman obviously does not. It’s not that people are “too sensitive.” Other people are allowed to have boundaries & respectful rules they share with their SO. & This woman’s rule was “don’t cheat on me in any form.”
Girls like you love to feed into these creepy ass men who love to date women their daughters age
Six months girlfriend, dump her. There’s no reason to work this out classless completely classless. Leave her behind and find somebody else.
I rarely believe but for something plausible I will give a thoughtful from me reply if I have one. This?! I’m either ignoring or adding to a conversation cause it’s amusing.
“Finding herself” means she wants to fck other people. Just move on
It doesn’t, actually, but you do you.
Why should you tell him anything? Let him fester and wonder, that's the best revenge.
Sussy.
I'm with you. He could've sent a message saying hey, let's meet up and get a drink to sort ourselves out.
Or at the very least, let's avoid each other and agree to not let our history get in the way of the wedding rather than you must do x y z while I go through the day as normal
Tell her to contact you at work only if emergency workers (firefighters, police, or EMT’s) are involved. Everything else can wait until the end of the day. You can always turn off your phone.
The answer to nearly every 'How do I tell her?' question is to just tell her. As long as you mean the apology and are sincere, there is no other real secret.
I already did that, but we'll probably plan it after this weekend so it'll be a lot of days without texting. And idk why but I would like to text her these days instead of radio silence
Yes for the most part, but I trusted them and went in-person to finalize the process.
I mean, it might, but I just think trying to cover it up would make it worse. Just apologize to them for the black eye, explain what happened, and say you hope the next time you meet them in it’s fully normal conditions.
He tells me he doesn’t want to talk and that he feels uncomfortable around me.
As im crying here, he is emotionless, just watching me cry.
I told him I just want to talk and work through this but he is adamant on not wanting to talk or anything.
If he doesn't want to talk or work through it, then it's done. You don't deserve 3+ days of silent treatment for telling him it hurts when he does something you don't like. HE is being immature and doesn't care. YOU are overreacting and using low self esteem as a way to cope with him being an asshole to you. Send one final text and see if he responds:
“I've tried to talk out our issue. You should know after 4 years what I do or don't like. I know I told you. Now, you're acting immature and won't even talk to me at all. If your “embarrassment” is so terrible, then I get the message that we're done. I'll drop your things off when I get the chance. Have mine ready and drop them off in the next two weeks. Do not message me going forward unless it is about my things.”
Because, in my eyes, he wanted to end it but doesn't want to be the bad guy. OR he wants to see how badly you beg him to come back. You've given him one and he hasn't changed. He's being immature, manipulative, and just down right cruel. You deserve better than that
He says these friends are taking time away from our family. We have one child (7M) who actually plays the game with me and my new friends. But he says when I am on my phone or on the game with them, it is neglect to our family and home.
The point he keeps going back to is that they are live! and calls them fake and unhealthy. That because we have never hung out in person it isn’t real. So I circle back to if I was spending time or chatting with women face to face I wouldn’t be neglecting the family or home? It’s just going in circles.
He says these friends are taking time away from our family. We have one child (7M) who actually plays the game with me and my new friends. But he says when I am on my phone or on the game with them, it is neglect to our family and home.
The point he keeps going back to is that they are live! and calls them fake and unhealthy. That because we have never hung out in person it isn’t real. So I circle back to if I was spending time or chatting with women face to face I wouldn’t be neglecting the family or home? It’s just going in circles.