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I told her I was going through something, and asked i I could talk to her. She said: “Sure, it's good to talk to someone and I'm happy you want to talk to me, I'll be there for you as a friend.”. I told her I have depression, mostly due to my current job, and explained briefly. She offered some advice and asked if she could do something to help me. I told her she shouldn't really do anything other than being my friend as she always did, thanked her for being my friend, and told her she's important to me. Maybe she misunderstood that and she thinks I'm in love, or wanted to be more than friends. I have no idea.
That's fine, however it's obviously important to him especially if they are all in frequent contact together, it could appear that it was something that was trying to be hidden. She also asked for details of his sexual past but then omitted this part of hers? If it isn't a big deal to her, then why omit?
Honestly, you don’t have to bring up the cheating part unless you just really want to. Personally, I wouldn’t. You don’t wanna hurt his feelings AND crush his ego, especially if you’re his first. Dude might kill himself.
I understand that you love her, but this is not healthy long term.
Ultimately you are not compatible. It isn’t anyone’s fault, you just have dreams that cannot work together. Neither of you can compromise on this and still have a happy and healthy marriage. It won’t work.
Part as friends.
If it is really just about consent for you, you truly have it already. If you “pick a bad morning,” she'll (hopefully) just say, “No,” and you can stop. Maybe discuss that with her beforehand (“Hey, please say, 'no,' if I pick a bad morning.). But it is much more likely that she'll be thrilled. It sounds unlikely you'll pick a bad morning from the sound of how much she likes this fantasy.
I had a similar situation with a partner who had sexsomnia (a sleep disorder where you touch others sexually and sometimes even have sex in your sleep). I obtained permission to let them do things to me in their sleep and see how far they'd get. We both considered that experience to be consensual.
I can’t imagine why a person would “date” for 6 years. If it’s important to you, and not to him, then he’s not the one. This isn’t about a wedding, this is about marriage. If he wanted a marital relationship, but not a wedding, he’d have eloped. He didn’t, and that is clear. I’d bail and move on to someone who wants a lifetime marital connection.
Sounds like he’s very insecure about the age gap between you.
How long have you been together?
That makes complete sense, thank you so much for taking the time to explain this to me
As a retired psychologist don’t waste your time with people who are mentally Ill they seldom get well especially when they are in denial!!
Yell her Mothers name the next few times u cum. Then apologise. See how she feels?
I do want to date her, but i don’t want to rush into a relationship. i know why i feel these feelings, its because growing up i never really seen healthy relationships and i wanna work on it but i cant if i just cut people off all the time. i wanna try and make things work with her, i have told her myself i have trust issues and she said she understands i know im probably not the easiest person to love but i cant hold it in if im feeling a certain way about a guy touching her i just cant help it.
If you want a quick solution, try agreeing with him.
Example:
“I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you” “That's alright, I forgive you”
He'll stop that real quick
(For context, this is a joke. Sort of. Use discretion)
Don’t forget that here we know his perspective and his point of view. You might change demeanor if the gf was typing explaining what happened for two whole years etc.
Does your girlfriend know you talk about your shared sex life with your female friend? If not then that was your first mistake.
I would want to know…..yes, tell him. Noone should put up with backstabbers in life.
Be honest with her, let her know you would not be comfortable in a open relationship and that you have no intentions to do so. If she insists or you feel she isn't wanting to be mono, then it may be best to leave rather than struggle with the emotional burden or be pinned into a awkward situation. Trust your gut instinct and don't let her or anyone tell you that your overreacting, You have a right to feel what you feel
It's the eight comment down..
Cool, so I'll just hide it from them forever and let them deal with the consequences? That's not sarcasm by the way, it probably is my only real option
Have you told your husband you can't deal with this stress anymore and need a break? He probably is trying the best he can in this fucked up situation
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Dude this is beyond an emotional relationship your the third party in her relationships period why are you letting her walk all over you . Do you like being used as a doormat I hope she doesn't live with you my God man get out asap she is playing you like a new vibrator. There is so many red flags here you can see the. From the space station any more red flags they will be the eighth wonder of the world . She must be pretty dam good in bed for you to stay with this woman and as of now she sitting in a beach drinking laughing and having a good time while your at home writing this open the eyes bro end this soon I would be calling her and telling her not to come back to you as soon as you read this .
She is not a therapist. I meant that she thinks she knows herself so good that she does not want individual or couples therapy.
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“Bringing people together” is a phrasal verb that means to combine people in one place. Not that we were “apart”.
You really are fkn stupid, arent you. Wow. Now i feel bad.
It means that she is healthy. It means she knew her relationship wasn’t working. It means she knew she had feelings for you, but it wasn’t really the right time because she was going through a break up. She may recover faster than you know. I would except it and let her do what she needs to do. And this is the way you do a break up.
I'm angry for your wife and child. Because they have to deal with an asshole like you that cannot be a partner or do fatherly duties. You are a 43 year old man but that is acting like a teenager and complaining that they were caught.
You are telling her over and over again that you prioritize your intake of weed instead of them. You lied to her face and she caught you multiple times.
I hope she divorces you and leave. You blamed her for everything when it is in fact your fault that you are an addict and refuse to be a partner for her.
Go to therapy. He tried to force you to carry a child, give birth, and be a parent for the rest of your life. Get your head straight. He’s vile and an abuser.
Probably but I won't be the same again.
You’re going to get so many rude emails from colleagues throughout your career, we all do. Please don’t keep coming to Reddit to brainstorm responses every time it happens
It says in the post it was a recent thing, but it doesnt surprise me that you’d assume that…
Definitely not a coincidence, just her way of trying to keep that door still open too.
Likely scenario is she’ll go for it, the magical thinking is there. It’ll be a fantasy whirlwind for 6 months, then meltdown when banal reality sinks in.
You're already hurting her. Lack of intimacy is a leading cause of divorce, I don't think that prolonging the invalidation with confusion is going to decrease her sorrow, and it's kind of selfish of you to put her through this because you're comfortable.
Communicate with your damn wife
“This is my home. I've asked you repeatedly not to invite people over here without asking me first. If you can't respect my space then give me my key back.”
You do not owe his family any kind of explanation. He cheated so you broke up with him. They already know that. End of story
Granted, it was a joke but moral police may have been exaggerated. But you are giving a lot of unsolicited advice based on presumptions (pretty woman life style, daddy issues, power imbalance), couldn't it be she just wants to make money and this is an easy and fun way to do it for her?
You’re kind, and I appreciate what you’re saying and know you’re right. I am walking away… thanks for the perspective and for being honest.
Omg stfu. Stop calling everyone a predator. 22 isn’t that young and 30 isn’t that old.
I’m guessing they’re referring to the excessive calling/texting and the use of GPS location.
Also she has trust issues, yet she’s probably cheating.
She's asked for space to work through her confusing feelings. Which is literally communicating, she communicated clearly. It's been weeks, which doesn't constitute 'running..hiding away' to me.
There is nothing wrong with asking for space when you need it. The fact that OP has jumped straight to 'She's obviously still in love with him..' instead of trying to support her or listen to what exactly is bothering her about her ex getting married, is likely why she is working through this alone. When dealing with complicated feelings, having to justify WHY you feel that way, and defending the validity of those feelings, is not a helpful form of support to offer.
I realize that, but I realize that means I’m being selfish by not wanting to shoulder the guilt of making her upset so I’m giving in to her which is hurting her in the long term too damn
That’s OPs fault how? Can’t punish op for being lucky he didn’t run off either.
Christian religion strikes again. Smh
truth.
Sort of but they go and essentially pick them up themselves mostly with false promises and gifts
Sounds like you shouldn't be dating if you find someone “liking” a photo offensive. And it wasn't done “in secret.” No one has to tell you every single thing they do on social media.
I will say, as a woman, if you want kids, there is absolutely a ticking clock. Pregnancy is risky at any stage, and people need to plan these things ahead. Especially if you want to juggle a relationship, motherhood and a professional career.
That said, you both need to sit down and discuss what both your timelines look like, because then she can decide if spending time with you will get her what she wants.
There is nothing wrong with either of you wanting different things, but you need to make sure to have these conversations early, especially since you don't want to live together nor have kids in the next year or two
Asking for a paternity test is not unreasonable or accusing someone of cheating. They estimate 30% of assumed fathers are false. If anything is get a paternity test for both parents if the baby is removed from you site during the birthing process for even a second, accidents and mix ups can happen and how would you even know if you didn’t test. There were a bunch of babies in the 70s/80s that got switched out and placed with incorrect parents, I’m not sure what safety guards in are place to prevent it from still happening now. If you you do IVF, few of those doctors were using their own sperm instead of the fathers. He’s definitely the asshole for bringing this up now though instead of before you attempted to conceive- this should of been discussed way before so you could plainly see what type of man you were breeding with who though you would scam him.
If you cannot be/act like yourself specially in regards to daily habits like drinking and eating.. it’s time to let it go.
My strong suggestion is that you get into therapy. Your mental health has got to be in the toilet to put up with all of this… No, it will not get better. Even if one piece of it gets better, the rest will remain– and any one of these issues would be enough to make even an otherwise glorious marriage unliveable.
It's not your job to make your wife happy when she's heartbroken over some other dude. It's not your job to fund her high-end hoarding (even that clearly doesn't make her “happy.”) Keeping your son in this situation is NOT in his long-term mental health best interest. Nobody is happy here. Nobody is “winning” here. You aren't making sacrifices for some “greater good” outcome, because there is none.
I told him that and I even said we could go on a mini vacation just him and I. But he right away said no. That he wants me to move out and that he hasn't loved me in a long time. But just a few days around valentines we were talking about having another baby. And now the girl messages him and says she can't wait to see him. Knowing this I still want to fight for our family
Nah, they belong to the streets.
I am doing therapy. Thank you for your advice.
Why would his wife be jealous? She should be happy that he’s having a relationship with his sibling and encourage it. The only thing I can recommend is to take it slowly. Allow him to set the pace. You may only have a relationship as friends and that’s ok too. Shame on your father for his behavior.
You’ll be happy to do sexual stuff with the right person. And you’ll know they’re the right person because they will respect you, and make you feel seen and safe.
You deserve that.
Why is it any of your business what medical decisions she makes for her body? Genuine question.
That's interesting, thank for your take, you're probably right about forcing myself.
On the loving someone without being loved back, I don't love BECAUSE I'm loved, I don't love the love, I love the person because they're wonderful, regardless of how they see me. However, I obviously chose to be in relationship were my needs are met and I feel loved and cared for. Here I have no will for a relationship, the love is to me unrelated to it. He's still someone I admire.
Yeah, go to a therapist and get support for your insecurities. You’re immediately labeling yourself as being a victim. I was bullied a lot too…the thing that I understand and something you need to learn for yourself is that nonsense is on them. They bullied you because it made them feel better. That’s sad behavior on their end. It troubles you not because of anything she did but because you don’t know how to keep your own anxiety in check. You’re seriously considering ghosting someone who DOESN’T deserve it because you don’t feel like you can measure up to those guys? Well yeah, if you do the toxic thing of leaving her on read and basically going NC.
If you don’t want to be with her then break up with her. Show her the respect of finding out from you that things are done. You were bullied so now you’re going to self sabotage and then maybe possibly cause her to feel insecure with herself? How do you think she’s going to feel if the people she’s been dating for five months stops speaking to her? Have you thought about her perspective and how that may hurt her? Or you focused on how much her body count makes you feel emasculated?
Does he have any family history of bipolar or any personal history of impulse control issues? If he usually has better judgment than this, an evaluation wouldn't be out of place just to make sure this isn't going to be the beginning of even more abnormal behavior.
If you're in the US, some states have open enrollment for state medicaid year round so that any necessary tests can be done.
I know that this is hard for you right now no matter what the answers end up being, so I hope you make sure you can take care of yourself amidst all of the stress.
!RemindMe 2 weeks
I wonder why this trend started? If you want to break the cycle, you may need to source out WHY he does this. I’d venture to say you roped mom into one of your spats at some point so now he tries to get in front of it.
With that being said, this sounds rather crazy to me and I would never be with somebody who airs dirty laundry to my family over minor infractions. I only offered advice IF you wish to try and fix this problem. I highly doubt anybody would blame you if you just walked away entirely.
Maybe she already lusted over your best friend before you guys were even a couple.
My assumption is, she liked both of you, but you more on the 'romance' side while your best friend may be on the physical side. As in she found him very attractive physically.
Don't buy her BS if she said she didn't find him attractive. Of course, unless she was on drugs/very drunk when she fuq your bestie, I'd say, she definitely had some lustful feeing for him.
After saying 'yes' to dating you, she had sex with him to 'get it out of her system' per se, or to see if she's going to like him more sexually/physically. It appeared that he's not all that, so she decided, okay then, maybe I stick with OP (you).
I don’t know what the problem is.
She wants you to tell her someone else’s secrets?
Wow, you truly are an awful person. I feel great pity for your boyfriend. Time wasted and cruel and horrible people is something we never get back.
Dude, you’re not a bad person. It’s fine to have boundaries. Also, food for thought, an old video doesn’t just randomly resurface in recents. Especially if it was years old. Either confront her some more and check the timestamp, or continue to be miserable. Because I can promise that image isn’t leaving your head for a while.
Sounds like he isn't quite over that relationship and ready to persue one, especially marriage. I get once in a while, and still being hurt by it but every couple days is a big yikes – go to therapy.
On the other hand, you shouldn't ask questions you don't want answers to. Could he have lied? Sure, however you would have seen through that with how much he talks about her. The truth of the matter is though if she didn't cheat, they would provavly still be together. She fucked the relationship up and he had respect for himself to leave.
Have you ever told him how much it bothers you when he brings her up? Is it just her or is it all his exs?
I wouldn't expect things to change. After 6 months you already know where he stands on long distance relationships, and its impossible to make that type of arrangment work without mutual commitment and powerful trust. At some point someone has to risk uprooting themselves for the sake of being together, and there cant be any reservations on either side when that time comes.
Not responding for weeks? Focusing too much on sex? Being super hot/cold? Yeah, probably not the one.
Damn. OK. I'll try having a hot but deep convo with her. I need to get over my past abuse.
I’m going to begin this response by telling you men have three brains. You’ve got one in your head, one in your stomach, and a third in your pants.
I can’t hear tone, but that’s a huge part of communication.
I’ll also say you’re only presenting one side, yours.
But it sounds like you felt unwelcome, you felt disrespected, and then you felt violated. (It’s your home, you asked for space, and you ended up being berated for being “short”).
I’m not sure if you are posting for advice or just validation of your feelings, but even if you were a dick, you asked for space and went somewhere you can be alone. There isn’t anything wrong with that.
What is she angry about? You communicating? You having feelings? Being tired? Looking for a safe space?
Lots of the posts are just communicating, you did that. If you care for your relationship, you can do more.
“I wasn’t in a good mood, I gave you space and I went somewhere I felt safe. I communicated that in a way that I felt was respectful and direct, and excused myself to a place that didn’t interfere with you and others.”
The fact she made that about her is shameful.
I hope you are able to communicate with her in a productive way, but the lack of empathy and respect for your space isn’t something I would tolerate.
Hopefully you can work past this, but a line is a line and if she can’t respect yours that’s a serious problem.
Omg girl. Putting myself in your shoes has me feeling so angry for you. I would never speak to any of them again. Don't let anyone tell you you're overreacting. And that girl. .. she is lucky she didn't get beat up by you. I would have absolutely knocked her head in.
This is where I’m at.
In practice, I think he should’ve said something to avoid this issue down the line.
But I’m bothered by the idea that some people keep repeating: it was wrong of him to “lie.”
He didn’t lie. Nobody asked. And the “when to tell someone” line is different for lots of people for that very same issue you brought up: safety.
OP is perfectly valid in having a preference, but I feel like some of these comments are being harsher towards him than is fair.
This is where I’m at.
In practice, I think he should’ve said something to avoid this issue down the line.
But I’m bothered by the idea that some people keep repeating: it was wrong of him to “lie.”
He didn’t lie. Nobody asked. And the “when to tell someone” line is different for lots of people for that very same issue you brought up: safety.
OP is perfectly valid in having a preference, but I feel like some of these comments are being harsher towards him than is fair.
Brown eyes being common doesn't make them less beautiful! These two are not mutually exclusive.
I don't think there's more to say but I'll give examples of other common, yet beautiful, things. I see the sunset almost every day and yet I'm always mesmerized and take pictures because it's so beautiful. Cats are one of the most common pets, they're beautiful and adorable. Colorful leaves in autumn are so plenty and last year I was on a walk where I collected leaves to dry them. I couldn't stop picking them up because all of them were so beautiful.
I hope you don't let what your boyfriend said get to you for too long. Know that your brown eyes are beautiful (I say that with brown eyes myself)
Jesus, I’m so glad I’m relatively old and beyond this kind of dumb dumb bullshit. OP, sometimes dumb doesn’t deserve a second chance, an explanation, or even a conversation.
The thing I find most bizarre about this story is that you speak of wanting to settle down and raise a family but then casually mention in passing that you're also going to move to Ukraine (a literal warzone!) for work.
If you are serious about having kids then you should become a healthier weight for both the sake of your health and for lowering your risks during pregnancy. You should also have a realistic think about work and where you are going to live because most rational parents (or parents-to-be) are doing their best to flee Ukraine rn.
IMHO, it kind of sounds like you're already moving on with your life. You can't force your BF to marry you just to tie in with your biological clock and expectations of family life, you need to work though everything first and develop a happy relationship actually worthy of marriage. You seem to be viewing everything from the angle of “I'm cured of depression now so marry me because I want babies now!” rather than thinking about your BF's wishes for marital life and what he wants (where does the home he bought for you both also factor in when you're going off to Ukraine for work??).
Have you considered freezing your eggs? Because it sounds like that would take the pressure off the biological clock for a while (which pretty much seems to be your main and only incentive for pursuing marriage).
How important are things like your sex life and sexual attraction in the relationship to you? Because it sounds like your BF isn't attracted to your current weight and doesn't want to sign a life contract with someone who he might already be suffering from flagging physical attraction to. When you marry someone you are very much making a statement of fully accepting that person as they are (right there and then) for life and it sounds like your BF is very conscious of this fact. Are you two really on the same wavelength at all?
Emily Nagoski deserves a Nobel Prize for humanitarian aid
This, please this!!!
Okay, some of this is preventable and not bad luck so much as a lack of mindfulness maybe. Maybe I don't believe or put that much stock into luck or curses though. It's up to him to be a bit more mindful, especially considering everything that has happened.
I would call the police about your husband stealing your property. See if you can get your car back that way. If not, you might need to bring this to court. No matter what you should divorce your disgusting husband.
I can tell you guys are young because this is dumb af. My own mother doesn't even call to tell me happy birthday until daylight and get morning coffee. She needs to get over it
Thank you for your advice Lady, I’m leaning towards putting some physical space between us for a while and seeing how that goes. I predict I will realise I am better off without him.
I believe that we encourage our partners life outside of the relationship. Nobody can be a person’s everything. You shouldn’t have to choose between doing things you enjoy and having a girlfriend.
That’s super weird reasoning. I don’t know why he would make more work for someone else when it adds very little to his
You can always try and make it work, figure out why he’s changed. Have hard conversations with him. It won’t matter if you make him unhappy with what you’re digging up because you’re getting divorced anyways. But yeah at this point you would be doing yourself a dis service to stay married.
The problem isn’t with your wife, it is your relationship with your brother. Him being an alcoholic must have done (some) damage to you. It is why you and your brother aren’t on speaking terms. You got into a heated argument with him and he damaged you more by revealing this secret. But… him being an alcoholic and you guys not being on speaking terms means that you can’t work this out with him. So all those feelings are now transferred to your wife. Her only mistake has been not telling you sooner, but other than that she did nothing to deserve all this resentment. You either need to work it out with your brother or go to therapy and work it out there.
He did cross a boundary. A SA boundary! Dump him. But if you don't, by all means try to insist on shoving a dildo up his arse without asking!
She needs a therapist. You aren’t a therapist. You’ve done nothing wrong, she’s just out of control and has unrealistic expectations.
I wouldn’t respond to that message. She wants you to beg and plead and apologize. She’s escalating. Ignore her.
From someone that’s been in this spot before, please take this guy’s advice instead of wasting time falling for her manipulation.
Something I wish I knew back then that I’ll tell you now: you can only control what you do and her actions are not your fault
Don’t ever think to buy a house with irresponsible immature man like that … he should at least like his age and think for the future … you need a mature person who can look forward for the future as you do not a person who care about their presents and their personal needs .
You are overly controlling and you should break up with her, so she can be free from this relationship. Calling me multiple times in one night is honestly insane, the fact that she answered once an hour is more than a lot of us would have. You are both incredibly young and she literally just wants to go out and have a good time. Are you her dad? Is she your dog on a leash? You need to do some serious self growth and self reflection before you inflict yourself on another young girl.
Why don’t you just divide up the time sort of more fairly. And if you’re really wise, maybe you can figure out a way to do it at his house when the creepy guy isn’t there. And I would say it just like that I want to start figuring out a way that we can spend time at both places. Whenever I’ve been with people that are so controlled like this it’s never been that great. And they usually haven’t been people. I could feel really safe and settled in with. They’re what I call compartmentalized relationships. A couple of older guys that I’ve dated were like that. As long as it goes in their direction and they’re comfortable with it, they hanging out. But they’re not very sacrificial so they don’t bend when you need them to as well. Just something to keep in mind.
Definitely red flags, but if she doesn’t want to leave then what can you do?
He doesn’t sound like someone who would let her leave easily tbh.
Sometimes he is nice but sometimes very nasty to me
No. Not the comment. It’s up at the top where he really list all the things wrong with the relationship.