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THIS. Currently going through a divorce. I'm devastated. I shouldn't be though. I should hate him.
We were together 15 years before we were married. We had two kids, prior to marriage. Once we were married, that mask of his really started slipping. So i began looking into things because covid gave me time to think & I realized things he was saying didn't add up.
That was the worst thing I could do. Because once I started to uncover stuff, it was like an avalanche. More just kept coming. So i no longer believed his lies. And then it got dangerous .
Spent more than half my life with a sociopath. The lies, cheating, and level of financial abuse is just staggering. I chose to ignore it & believe in this illusion of love I thought we had – that in reality, never existed. I was happy then.
Like in your situation, he was the one that wanted kids. Because of my background, I was terrified to have kids. Like i said, we have 2 now. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything
. But i was the one who didn't want to get married – had never seen a successful marriage & didn't want to go through a divorce. But I gave up my dreams to make his a reality. Then it was my friends because I “was a mom now & shouldn't be going out, talking too people, etc”
Then it was activities I liked- like reading. He's a TV watcher & it bothered him when I would read a book. When he tried to come after me dancing, I was floored when he said he was worried about MY fidelity because I would go dancing. I pointed out that I ALWAYS came home to him though. That i was too busy dancing to even notice other guys, let alone try to hook up with them.
Although i had my reservations about getting married, I thought 15 years together was enough time to show we were committed & could make it work. What a fool I was.
On this side of everything, going through the divorce, I'm glad we did get married. I online in a 50/50 state. I wouldn't have that protection if we weren't married. And judging by the financial games he's playing – he didn't take that in to consideration. He expected me to walk away with nothing because he decided he was done (1. 5 years into the process, he still hasn't told me why we're divorcing).
Being a single parent is hard. And expensive. And from the sound of your post, not something you want to do. It seems like marriage is pretty important to you, even with the memory of your parent's divorce. Honestly, don't remember seeing anything about how you feel about having kids, besides the fact it's a lifetime job. But why is it only HIS wants matter? Why don't yours? Why do YOU have to change your mindset to make him happy. Why can't he change his?
My BIL is a nice guy, but ainβt no way would I feel comfortable going past an occasional hug or even a high five, and if I had siblings, it would be the same
If my mum was in a relationship like that, I'd be knocking his lights out. Nobody gets between me and my mum's relationship, at least not some slimy cling on who's decided to tag along
So let me ask you this. Are you still friends with the best friend of yours that told everybody about your boyfriend? Because the 1st thing you should have done was told her and her bf off and then gone NC with your so called friends.
As far as your boyfriend ever trusting you again, I don't really see how he could. This isn't some trivial little mistake that you made here. You literally outed him to your best friend and she blabbed to her boyfriend. Think about how you'd feel if the situation were reversed. How easy would it be for you to forgive him?
If he could get with Anna now, suddenly and magically, he wouldn't want to. He'd rather have you.
That matters.
The only reason he even tried to get her number is cause he hadn't found you yet. And with you he wanted a lot more than your number, obviously.
Also, 'crush' has different meanings for different people. Wanting to get her number is superficial interest. It never grew past that. Obviously he stopped trying to get her number at some point. That was as far as it ever got.
And he fits so well with you, that it's unlikely he would have fit so well with her.
You can imagine a lot of scenarios in your head and twist things all kinds of ways with what-ifs and could-have-beens… or you can enjoy the fact that you snagged this guy and it was totally your sister's loss on passing him up and not giving him her number.
Sounds like you were interrupting him and in his frustration he behaved like a child. Combined with his earlier childish behavior, I'd say your BF is a man-child. If you choose to continue this relationship, set clear boundaries about when it's appropriate for him to touch you and be prepared for him to set boundaries about giving him the opportunity to speak without interrupting him. Or, just break up with him and hopefully learn from this experience.
Exactly. Like if you mean “sensitive” by having to walk on egg shells in fear of their reaction? You're probably dealing with a narcissist at this point, not a sensitive person
I understand. Thank you for for hearing me out. Do you think your partner would feel more at ease if knowing that the conversations would be a result of your brother trying to bridge the gap and trying to see a perspective that might be very foreign and difficult for him? I understand he might say hurtful things, but if he understands your perspective, it might be the very last time he says those hurtful things. Sometimes getting better is about being able to confront some very ugly things one might have taken as truth.
Ofc, I would also stress that it is no way your responsibility to sit there and listen to all those hurtful things and hope he will change. There is a balance there, and we should also remember to protect ourselves. There's only so much we can do for other people before it starts hurting ourselves too.
It's also the same with the stress of your partner. You can only be so much responsible for it before it starts hurting you too.
Did you talk to your partner about their stress and to what degree to accommodate it? Sometimes the only option you have, is the lesser bad one. Like maybe talking about what your brother said is the lesser bad option. It depends on why your partner would stress about it. If afraid to not be accepted, then your talk with your brother is possibly the path to be accepted. So even if there are bad things being said, it's on the rocky path to something better. Also, you are there for your partner, and you are rock solid in your support. That might ease some stress.
After reading what you say, I see how you're carrying a lot of burdens on your shoulders, trying to make everything right. That must be rough. I hope you remember to take care of yourself too.
THIS. Currently going through a divorce. I'm devastated. I shouldn't be though. I should hate him.
We were together 15 years before we were married. We had two kids, prior to marriage. Once we were married, that mask of his really started slipping. So i began looking into things because covid gave me time to think & I realized things he was saying didn't add up.
That was the worst thing I could do. Because once I started to uncover stuff, it was like an avalanche. More just kept coming. So i no longer believed his lies. And then it got dangerous .
Spent more than half my life with a sociopath. The lies, cheating, and level of financial abuse is just staggering. I chose to ignore it & believe in this illusion of love I thought we had – that in reality, never existed. I was happy then.
Like in your situation, he was the one that wanted kids. Because of my background, I was terrified to have kids. Like i said, we have 2 now. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything
. But i was the one who didn't want to get married – had never seen a successful marriage & didn't want to go through a divorce. But I gave up my dreams to make his a reality. Then it was my friends because I “was a mom now & shouldn't be going out, talking too people, etc”
Then it was activities I liked- like reading. He's a TV watcher & it bothered him when I would read a book. When he tried to come after me dancing, I was floored when he said he was worried about MY fidelity because I would go dancing. I pointed out that I ALWAYS came home to him though. That i was too busy dancing to even notice other guys, let alone try to hook up with them.
Although i had my reservations about getting married, I thought 15 years together was enough time to show we were committed & could make it work. What a fool I was.
On this side of everything, going through the divorce, I'm glad we did get married. I online in a 50/50 state. I wouldn't have that protection if we weren't married. And judging by the financial games he's playing – he didn't take that in to consideration. He expected me to walk away with nothing because he decided he was done (1. 5 years into the process, he still hasn't told me why we're divorcing).
Being a single parent is hard. And expensive. And from the sound of your post, not something you want to do. It seems like marriage is pretty important to you, even with the memory of your parent's divorce. Honestly, don't remember seeing anything about how you feel about having kids, besides the fact it's a lifetime job. But why is it only HIS wants matter? Why don't yours? Why do YOU have to change your mindset to make him happy. Why can't he change his?
Yea he is known to sleep walk
If ur a quadriplegic how can you type. I'm just curious
i would wait it out and see no need to stress yourself out
My BIL is a nice guy, but ainβt no way would I feel comfortable going past an occasional hug or even a high five, and if I had siblings, it would be the same
If my mum was in a relationship like that, I'd be knocking his lights out. Nobody gets between me and my mum's relationship, at least not some slimy cling on who's decided to tag along
Press charges. That'll make mommy and daddy lots more caring about the situation when their asshole child catches a charge.
She shouldn't have to do that though. He should respect her very reasonable request.
nah yall are just fackin gross and got some fake ahh loyalty
So let me ask you this. Are you still friends with the best friend of yours that told everybody about your boyfriend? Because the 1st thing you should have done was told her and her bf off and then gone NC with your so called friends.
As far as your boyfriend ever trusting you again, I don't really see how he could. This isn't some trivial little mistake that you made here. You literally outed him to your best friend and she blabbed to her boyfriend. Think about how you'd feel if the situation were reversed. How easy would it be for you to forgive him?
He did pick you over Anna.
If he could get with Anna now, suddenly and magically, he wouldn't want to. He'd rather have you.
That matters.
The only reason he even tried to get her number is cause he hadn't found you yet. And with you he wanted a lot more than your number, obviously.
Also, 'crush' has different meanings for different people. Wanting to get her number is superficial interest. It never grew past that. Obviously he stopped trying to get her number at some point. That was as far as it ever got.
And he fits so well with you, that it's unlikely he would have fit so well with her.
You can imagine a lot of scenarios in your head and twist things all kinds of ways with what-ifs and could-have-beens… or you can enjoy the fact that you snagged this guy and it was totally your sister's loss on passing him up and not giving him her number.
Sounds like you were interrupting him and in his frustration he behaved like a child. Combined with his earlier childish behavior, I'd say your BF is a man-child. If you choose to continue this relationship, set clear boundaries about when it's appropriate for him to touch you and be prepared for him to set boundaries about giving him the opportunity to speak without interrupting him. Or, just break up with him and hopefully learn from this experience.
Exactly. Like if you mean “sensitive” by having to walk on egg shells in fear of their reaction? You're probably dealing with a narcissist at this point, not a sensitive person
George Zimmerman and OJ Simpson were acquitted too
You shared it here. That's enough ?
I understand. Thank you for for hearing me out. Do you think your partner would feel more at ease if knowing that the conversations would be a result of your brother trying to bridge the gap and trying to see a perspective that might be very foreign and difficult for him? I understand he might say hurtful things, but if he understands your perspective, it might be the very last time he says those hurtful things. Sometimes getting better is about being able to confront some very ugly things one might have taken as truth.
Ofc, I would also stress that it is no way your responsibility to sit there and listen to all those hurtful things and hope he will change. There is a balance there, and we should also remember to protect ourselves. There's only so much we can do for other people before it starts hurting ourselves too.
It's also the same with the stress of your partner. You can only be so much responsible for it before it starts hurting you too.
Did you talk to your partner about their stress and to what degree to accommodate it? Sometimes the only option you have, is the lesser bad one. Like maybe talking about what your brother said is the lesser bad option. It depends on why your partner would stress about it. If afraid to not be accepted, then your talk with your brother is possibly the path to be accepted. So even if there are bad things being said, it's on the rocky path to something better. Also, you are there for your partner, and you are rock solid in your support. That might ease some stress.
After reading what you say, I see how you're carrying a lot of burdens on your shoulders, trying to make everything right. That must be rough. I hope you remember to take care of yourself too.