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See this is the type of stuff that i need and needed to hear. No one would give useful information to me, or not enough to convince me not to do it, so i was like fuck it let me just tell her right this second. I fucked myself over though.
Yes!!
It does not matter. You're using this to keep him in your head which is entirely counter productive.
To get someone like this out of your life, you need to get them out of your life. Forget about “I'm just curious” and forget about him.
Well, let's be honest here. The only reason your wifevknows is she caught you. This is really, Really, REALLY BAD! You're thinking “Gee thanks. Like I don't know that without your 'wisdom'”, and if you are, fair enough. Still, this kind of discovery completely destroyed her trust. I get the impression that you were hoping that you would never tell her. If you can't see how that makes you completely unworthy of trust, then it's going to be difficult to give much guidance.
You need to understand yourself and you goals here. If those goals are for you to stay, you to be with your kids, to keep your rep squeaky clean, well, let's just say you don't want to hear what I want to say. If on the other hand, if you want FOREMOST to make it up to your wife, DEEPLY regret your actions, and promise to both cut off ALL contact with your lover/lovers PERMANENTLY, then there MIGHT be a chance to work it out (extreme emphasis on WORK).
Ok, getting to brass tacks, if your wife isn't talking to you, she needs to be talking to someone, preferably a professional. Not sure you're in a position to suggess this, but she is going to need individual therapy. You do as well, because if you don't get your libedo squared away, you are just going to be a walking pain factory for everyone in your life. Right now, you need to be helping out far, far more than ever before in your home.this is to relieve stress on the wife and give her an opportunity to seek help sorting things out. After individual therapy, the two of you can decide if couples therapy is going to be worthwhile.
I know I've been harsh in here. I will apologize for it, but you NEED to understand how badly you messed up, not because you got caught, but that you screwed around in the first place. If you can't see or accept that, then it's my opinion that you're setting up your wife and yourself for enough pain and heartache to make D Day look like the happiest day of your life.
I truly wish you and your wife healing and peace going forward.
How old are the two of you?
I hope she gives you HIV. Clown?
Yes, if you can update me how things go. Hopefully he is understanding about the situations and everything goes well.
If they are being carried by the other person they should take accountabilty for that. If you work and still need suport? You are not doing shit right. So why dont you just stop and take care of the home and kids if there is any. And while home. Find a better job or take clases so you can get better paying work. Ffs be an adult and apreciate what people do for you damnit.
Look them up and down, concentrate on one specific area, then look at their face, scoff, and walk away.
Those sentences are kind of the same though.
I would just tell my sister that my loyalty is with my partner and she should keep her mouth shut about her opinions when it comes to my partner, at least to me.
I did that with my mother. Then I told my partner what my mother said and how I responded and it's fair because my partner knows my mom is a snake.
My partner tells me what his parents say about me too. They're snakes too and I play nice, but I'm just waiting for the day when we move away from them and leave them to be shitty to eachother without us there.
Did anyone read the update?
This happens a lot unfortunately. Someone about us crying just makes us look weak to them. It sucks but it’s life. Just keep good friends and family around to open up to instead.
No, all guys are different when they drink, as are all women.
Aggressive drunks, happy drunks, loud obnoxious drunks.
Everyone has their drunk behaviors.
You don't have to make up anything to him. He sounds like a total jerk. Next time use your words and not throw things to tell someone what a piece of crap they are. And your mom is being extra. Did you hit him? Did he bleed? If he didn't call the cops when it happened then he probably won't now. The main thing here is: stop letting losers abuse your cat.
Unless ahe asked you to, this is paternalistic and gross.
Updateme!
If she plans on having children with that asshole, she is in for a whole other ride. Damn. Smart enough to earn their living, but not smart enough to not spend it on such an cheating loser.
Thank you for your advice, I think I need to address it in a similar way to how you suggested.
I have asked what’s up before but I think I’ve maybe chosen the wrong days and the wrong way of saying it if that makes sense. Gonna give it a go this week and hopefully the answer isn’t too damning for our relationship.
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Thank you homie
Why take a chance with someone who does not disclose a BPD diagnosis before marriage? That is already monster (your words not mine) like behavior. Mental illness does not excuse her from being a shitty person to her ex.
Y’all should have the foreplay chat
There's nothing to forgive it was a simple accident. You're definitely blowing this way out of proportion. Don't be petty or play silly games like ignoring him. You can be upset all you like but you also need to be understanding and fair. He didn't ghost you on purpose. The poor guy was obviously exhausted and he's human for heaven's sake. He fell asleep. If you want to keep it casual then maybe this isn't for you because you're the one bringing in emotions and feelings.
So she had to bury a child and now had to have a hysterectomy. That would trigger depression for many women. Add that to the pain she’s in, the hormonal changes and an unsupportive husband, it’s pretty clear to me that she needs help, not a demanding husband.
Thank you for your incredibly kind reply and helpful insight. The fact that you disagree with my ex that having kids is what women are “for”, is incredibly comforting. I've been haunted by my own feelings and beliefs since the breakup, as it always felt like they were largely responsible for what happened. That somehow, I was the anomaly for not wanting those things, and that I was a lesser woman for feeling the way I did/ do.
Over the past year, I've thought about many things and made difficult decisions. Most notably, I decided to get sterilized this January. In my mind, I often think “what's the point”. The one person I wanted to have them with isn't in my life anymore. These feelings won't change. I'm certain of it, especially with the trauma accompanying them.
Totally fucked up, I know. But my heart tells me I won't regret the decision.
There's so much more that I wanted to write in my original post, but the words kept getting jumbled up and I couldn't write what I wanted to without feeling like I sounded redundant or stupid. But again, thank you for listening to a sad internet rando cry about her ex.
Put them on the kitchen counter along with the pills. Wait and see what he says about them?
Next time someone cuts you off in traffic or otherwise pisses you off vent to a loved one. Get really animated and swear and yell about that stupid mother fucker and if he was here right now I’d tell him…. The works.
Right, because that's the exact same scenario as a multi-year long marriage and subsequent betrayal. Get fucking real, dude.
Watching porn is a common thing, but it's not a normal thing.
Have you read any of OPs replies bc you are very wrong. OP only has contact w their parents previously at the request of their sister.
I feel the part with “insecurities are your problem, not hers” is a huuuuge red flag. I have been fighting with trust issues for a long time and fall into jealous episodes at times for way smaller stuff than youre dealing with. Every time I tell my gf about these thoughts her first priority is clearing up everything AND then giving me reassurance making me feel understood and appreciated.
think very hard about wether you want to spend your life with someone who doesnt care about your mental wellbeing
youre not unreasonable or overly jealous or whatnot, dont let her gaslight you
Thank you! The first comment in 100 that acknowledges that I'm just looking out for my sister. Like come on! If their mothers brought home a drug addict, violent man to sleep with, they'd be frantic!
It’s all good. I would maybe send him a message and tell him your thoughts on the matter and hope he has acknowledged personally what he has done or that he never does it to someone else. Pros and cons with this but the behaviour needs to be called out as he will just do the same to next Victim.
Duh. That’s what I wrote.
That all sounds quite manipulative; I rarely advocate this but in thise case I'd say you should block him.
It’s really not okay even if you hadn’t told her to stop. This is her FANTASY which means she FANTASIZES about this shit. I’m all for exploring your kinks… unless it’s some disgusting and hurtful shit like this. You should absolutely break up with her not just because this is a really gross and concerning glimpse into her mind, but because blows you off when you say it’s not cool and fails to consider how this might affect you
What a wretched excuse for a sister Mary is. Your wife obviously needs therapy for her self esteem issues. I suggest going NC with Mary, no one needs to be around a snake, sister or not. What a horrible excuse for a human being Mary is. Shame your wife didn't knock her tf out for her actions towards her husband. Disgusting. Violence is never the answer. Then again, sometimes ppl need to be put in their place. The adult way, would of course be to completely cut her out of your lives and if the parents try to guilt trip/manipulate in ANY…go LC there as well. I hope she will open her eyes to how much you really do love her and how you did the right thing, when the wrong thing was happening to you. You are BOTH victims of Mary, Block that b on your phones and all social media.
Oh! So it clearly runs in the family
Not sure where you are from but where I am you can't legally consent while intoxicated like that … Also most sexual abuse and rape are done by intimate partners .. not in back alleys outside the clurb
You’re not a doormat. And 22 is so so young. You’ve got so much time to find someone who will respect you and love you and worship the ground you walk on. I think the average Australian gets married at age 30-32? So you’re already miles ahead, you have so much time to learn more about yourself and your passions and what you want and need and you shouldn’t be setting yourself up for less than even the bare minimum now, while you’re still developing and still young, because these habits will carry on with you and it’ll be hard to regain your self respect. Respect to you man, good luck.
Yeah 100%. It’s a lose lose. I just know if I was in that spot I wouldn’t put myself in any of those situations along the way. Without going too deep, years ago she used to be really flirty with guys, and maybe this is me dragging that along. She’s not the same person as she used to be at all, but she carries around those people in her life.
She still is friends with those girls she was friends with when she lived that life, that’s who she was going out with that night. I think this whole thing is just that to me, she’s loving and funny and it’s healthy. But now I’m realizing that she’s refusing to let go of toxic people in her life, and now it’s bleeding into my relationship.
The best thing to do is forget about it. Resort back to the odd hello or something when you pass her, maybe asking how she is if she engages you in conversation. No good will come from you bringing it back up with her, whether that is you asking her again/asking if she’s thought about it, vs asking her why not, and getting in her space to demand answers.
It sounds crooked, but projecting that it didn’t phase you and you accepted the answer is more likely for her to want to go for that coffee then any other outcome.
Stay strong, and if all else fails, take yourself out for coffee and show her your confidence without her ?
That’s what I mean, though. Many people would find it unreasonable. If she’s dead set on doing it—even knowing how it would impact your future financially—then you are not compatible. That’s 3/4 of her paycheck every month for three years, and you’d be left to shoulder the full financial burden. She thinks that’s a fair thing to ask of you, so you’re clearly not on the same page financially.
Good point!
If i read in your other post, you work very much right now. We often think it must get proof for cheating but the good old going in a bar/club and getting a guy for fucking doesn't leave any proofs. Do you have a ringdoor camera or so, so that you know if she brought back guys home or leaves the hone dressed up when you are at work?
The pregnancy tests are for herself. If you don't want them at home, you buy one and use a toilet in a store or even a bush. You don't buy a big-savers-pack and then “upsi, what should i do with them? Oh co-worker…?”
IUI is when you take hormones to increase egg production and they insert the sperm into the uterus at time of ovulation.
IVF you take hormones to increase egg production. Then they retrieve the eggs and use the sperm provided by the SO/donor and inject it into the egg to fertilize it. If they progress to the point they are viable for implantation they will then insert the fertilized egg into the uterus and hope for implantation.
I’ve had both. IUI didn’t work for us, but IVF did. Took two rounds as after the first they determined I had an immune issue where my immune system would attack the embryo before it could implant normally. So I had to get an IVIG treatment to suppress part of my immune system which allowed for the embryo to implant.
She says the issues are on his side. So, could be low count or motility. They’d probably need to do IVF because IUI wouldn’t work due to either of these issues.
“No. I am inviting you, and only you. I am not inviting your guests. If you invite your guests, I will expect you to cover their meal.”
He certainly wouldn’t have to divulge all details but a simple “They aren’t good people and I don’t feel comfortable going to see them”. I had a boyfriend in the past say a similar thing about his father and it gave me an opportunity to understand and not unintentionally bring up something painful.
Trying to get someone to cheat so you can have the moral high ground shows that she’s a psychopath… not that she’s trying to get someone to stand up for themselves.
Is that the kind of sex you want? Sex with someone who wants it over quicker so watches porn instead of foreplay with you? If it’s taking a long time or he’s having difficulty reaching orgasm from having sex with you then he’s probably got some ‘death grip’ going on from too much masturbation to porn. He gets used to that sensation and a real human vagina doesn’t feel the same. None of this is good. He’s showing you your future here – believe it. And then make a choice, preferably the choice to leave him because this is trash behaviour that will only get worse if he doesn’t address it. Let alone the masturbation at work, come on that’s appalling behaviour showing zero control.
question- since you were living there Friday through Sunday (8 meals). Towels etc – how much money extra were you and boyfriend contributing to running apartment – now that your not there – you will save that money and s will miss it /s
Then sit back and wait for her decision.
If she doesn't want to forgive you. Move on.
She shouldn't forgive you. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I don’t cohabitate with, love or support any person that refers to me as a cunt or any other derogatory name. You shouldn’t either if you have any self respect.
You guys will be all right. You'll just have to work a little more until he gets back on his feet. Good luck to both of you.
You take the test. Alone.
If its negative, you dump him and speak to a lawyer about charges (assuming you did not consent to him finishing in you).
If its positive, you dont tell him it is, dump him, get an abortion, and speak to a lawyer about charges (again, assuming you didnt consent to him finishing in you)
And had distinctive markings that only he would know about.
As far as my wife is concerned I am treating her very well. She brags to her friends and they all wish they had OUR relationship. She will never know & I will never tell so the rest of your paragraph is useless.
You have endo and this man is manipulating you by saying you don't love him because you won't have sex more than once a day?? Honey. Leave. You're with a sex addict but worse, someone who doesn't give af about you and sees you for how you can please him then manipulates you to get what he wants. Dude is trash. It never gets better from here.
Hey, I went to the crab house before! And it is very good. You should plan a date for it with some good friends some time. I am glad you are doing what you feel is best. I remember your post and there was a lot more things going on than just one incident about a restaurant.
This. I'm still friends with people I have fucked and my husband is not one little bit threatened by it, because he trusts me. These are people I have 0 sexual interest in anymore and are just friends. I've literally never cheated on him in our 8 years together.
Omg. That's horrendously rude. Just, how could she not mention you?
The best case interpretation of this is that she's shallow, self focused, and does not have the social graces to understand how to introduce people.
The worst case interpretation is that she actively hids your relationship live and in real life because she wants to appear single. Very rude.
The “influencer” thing is maybe part of this, but the real issue is treating you and your relationship with such disrespect that she can't tell people about hit.
No worries. And I mean it- give yourself a bit more credit. Life really can be this good, let yourself enjoy it! Focus on the good life and future that you share together 🙂
He also said the baby was early. We have no context for how early though. If it was really early then there are serious risks and complications not just for mum but for baby. My son was three months premature. He hadn’t even gotten to the point of getting fat – he was still at the furry stage of development. He had to be rushed into an incubator and have lipids pumped into him for months. He looked like an actual skeletal werewolf – he was the size of my hand! Literally fit into my palm. If it was a month or more early then he really really fucked up.
Thank you so much. And thank you for acknowledging that it’s going to be tough because I know Reddit is quick to say “don’t put up with it” but doesn’t understand the sacrifices/struggles that come with it.
Sorry didn’t mean to sound harsh, but it was always just a situationship ie a sexual relationship that isn’t going anywhere, if it wasn’t her it’s be someone else, he doesn’t see u as gf material
Not just tax law, it’s just one of the stipulations. If they’ve lived together for 12 months it’s recognized in Canada
It really isn't, these groups exist all over the world. If you are a man you probably never heard of them and much less get inside.
They are very strict enforcing their rules, specially women's only.
You're telling me there's more than one 24 yr old in a friend group that actually thinks this is 'fun' let alone okay?….
It is as easy or as hard as you make it, this isnt the place to come if you only want to be told what you want to hear. You're setting yourself up for a roller-coaster of heartbreak and i highly doubt anyone's going to tell you that you should go back to her.
I gave many years to a bad relationship, so I understand 100% the feelings you have currently. The “wasted time” should be considered more as a learning experience.
Sit down with him face to face and lay out that he needs to work on his addictions, and that you can't accept him sleeping around, so it's over. He can't have his cake and eat it too. He wants to go have fun/be self destructive? He can, just not with you as his “backup plan”. You're a human being, not an insurance policy. Good luck
I find it highly suspicious that you were warned in your original post that your wife may be cheating with the best friend and now suddenly you're saying she is. Either way, she lied to you, cheated on you with at least 1 other person and didn't have enough respect to talk to you about this before doing anything. Breach of trust is a huge thing.
Dude, lots of people have been cheated on in a plethora of scenarios. That doesn't mean that your relationship in particular will mirror other people's experiences. At that point, you'll be constantly worrying about every little way that someone else has been cheated on. Why draw the line at a weekend away? Is she cheating at work? Is she cheating when she runs errands? Is she possibly cheating any time she's out of my sight?
Here's my question. What makes you go to r/survivinginfidelity and think “These are the relationships I should be basing my views on.”?? If you don't have a reason not to trust your partner, then there's no reason to treat them like you're waiting for them to commit a crime. That's no different than a girl treating you like you're going to cheat on her because her exes did.
If you go into a relationship with the assumption that you're going to be cheated on and constantly worry yourself over it, there's no point in being in a relationship. At that point there are things that you need to work on solo before you're ready to be with someone else. A strong, healthy relationship is absolutely nothing without trust.
Put him in the bin, this one’s broken. Never ever have sex when you don’t want to. It destroys your self esteem. Anyone that tries to bully you into sex is trash, dump them. It’s meant to be a partnership, and it’s meant to be good, to energise you. This isn’t it. We all get our hearts broken and move on. We survive and get stronger. A good relationship will energise you- a poor relationship will drain you. ‘A woman in your own right’ is a good book.
Yeah I definitely understand her side. I didn’t sign up to be interrogated by a girlfriend though ? I have some social anxiety and that sounds really stressful. I don’t want to overstep on their relationship though, I agree that there may be emotional cheating
He’s being loving now. But he will do it again. And it happened when he was “reconsidering the relationship” uh no. You don’t cheat on your spouse if you are questioning the relationship. He got caught this time he’ll probably be more careful the next!
She’s overreacting for damn sure. I wouldn’t put up with it for even five minutes: “Hey, we need to talk about your overreaction to these things. Relationships are built on trust and it seems you have none for me. Until you’re able to fully trust me to hug an acquaintance and “like” a photo, then I don’t really see a path forward from this.” If she brings up past “trauma” (a grossly overused word nowadays), explain that the actions of another human being are not transferable to you. Her inability to trust is her own and might require some work on her part. Which brings us back to point A….without trust there IS no relationship.
You need a safe word. Talk about it when you are not getting ready to have sex. Ask her to be as specific as possible. Listen. Then make sure that there’s a word that means stop, she’s uncomfortable. Don’t wait until bedtime. Sex is way better than doing dishes. She’s asking for you to go for it when she’s least expecting it. You look over and find her so irresistible that you can’t help yourself. You want it now. But. Most of this is not about sex. It’s about her lack of self esteem. It’s a very good thing that you are starting couples therapy.
You may just have a responsive libido.
This is 100% YOUR CHOICE… But even if you're not turned on, you can still decide to have sex or be sexual with your boyfriend. Talk to him and make sure to spend extra time on the seduction and connection parts that usually work for you. Use lubricant if you need – you don't want to make anything uncomfortable. Be an active an enthusiastic participant, keep a playful tone, and don't put any pressure on yourself to finish or on your boyfriend's performance.
The goal is to use the act of having sex to remind your body that, hey! This is something I enjoy. This isn't pity sex for your horny boyfriend or sex you don't want, making it coercive. It's getting your groove back.