I'm sorry, you're 40 and will most likely not get a second chance of getting pregnant if you really go through with an abortion and forgive your “husband”, especially not getting pregnant from him, if it didn't even happen for the past 14 years, since he was clearly the problem here all along and not you.
You're gonna resent him and then have no another chance of being a mother. He's the scumbag who cheated and did so not even a week after you were seperated! Seriously, screw your family!
Thanks for sharing. How do you know that’s the same for everyone? How would someone like me have a conversation about just asking him to do this to make me happy?
His reaction sucks, but I also think his complaints about not being able to have his family around are valid. The whole point of a family is to help support each other and to spend time together and have your own little pod that you can rely on for help, love, and support. By moving across the country without laying proper boundaries to begin with, you completely isolated your husband and your daughter. I have a feeling that there is some more to this story, and your husband isn't able to give his side here. Again, the way he is reacting is cold, but I have a feeling that if you've gotten to this point, there's some more to the story. My family is very involved in each other's lives, but we have arranged boundaries to where we all feel comfortable. People call before just showing up, they make sure they're not intruding, and we're here to help each other. Instead of trying to isolate, perhaps some family counseling is in order, here. Especially if you've been diagnosed with a disease, it's important that your husband and your daughter have family around to help support them. I hope you all can find Healing together.
Just because everyone else is jumping off a bridge doesn't make it a good idea.
You need to decide if you want to continue with this woman. If you do, then sit down with her and talk to her about getting on the lease and moving in and that she would need to get your key back from her mom. If she is opposed to any of that, then she is not interested in moving forward and you need to move in a different direction.
If you get the key permanently, then you and she need to work on boundaries. Why would you want to go somewhere without her? I know sometimes you must, but why if you can bring her? Guys night / girls night is a stupid concept. Ok, you are doing something she isn't interested in? She can skip, but the assumption is that if you are going for fun, she is there. Suppose you go to a guys night at one of their houses, and shortly after getting there, everyone goes to the next location where there are girls. A girlfriend of one of the guys shows. A guy who doesn't have a gf is hitting on another girl. That girl's bff comes over to offer you a drink and later wants to sit in your lap. See why your gf needed to come? If your friends are too crude, too rude, too guy to have your gf there. Why TF are you with them?
Why TF is she going on a girl's night without you?
There's a lot to unpack here, that the comments have mostly covered.
But I'm going to guess, from my perspective anyway.
She probably has a hard time actually explaining what she means and gets frustrated that you don't get what she's trying to convey, that only makes sense in her head because she's in there lol.
Then when you question it she short circuits because she probably can't actually find the words around the explanation she's already created without context in a way that is understandable.
I struggle with this myself which is why I can see this could be a possibility.
Usually though the things I say that “don't quite make sense” is actually related to the subject at hand.
I definitely did not understand what the fuck being a main character has anything to do with working hard lol.
It's fine that she thinks that I guess, but if she can't explain something to you without getting irritated that you don't get it, that probably makes her feel really stupid not only because she probably thinks you think she is but questioning her, but then she self fulfills her own idea by not being able to even explain something from jump that makes sense.
Huh. He's a right jerk. And kinda not so bright, I think. Here's why – if he wants to negotiate ethical non-monogamy with you, he could do that. He could be an adult about it and have a conversation with you where you discuss it openly… but I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and guess that he's being whiney about a previous agreement to be monogamous?
Instead of revisiting that agreement, he is instead being a passive- aggressive whinge monster. Cause…. that's a good look. And so inspiring of trust and comfort on the part of partners… yeah.
I'd be tempted to tell him he can fuck whoever he wants- once I was done breaking up with him for being insufferable. Who does that? What on earth does he think is going to happen here? That his pissiness is going to motivate you to change your boundaries? I mean it may- but I don't think that's going to work out well for him regardless.
I think women and men can be just friends. But once you start deleting messages and once you 'find out' about plans, because she didn't tell you about them, she is hiding something. You don't deserve this. If she's not already having sex with him, she is definately planning to.
The second I found out my man had done sexual things with this girl over our “break” would be the last time he ever saw her. And how does your boyfriend take a “nap” in bed with another girl ? dude they were sleeping together, cut him off and let him be with the chick he’s basically already with
Please speak with a health care professional about the different types of HSV, how it can be transmitted, how someone could be born with it, etc. Make your decision based on solid information.
I’m confused. He wants to hang but the venue is in dispute? If he’s lying it’s not the worst lie I ever heard. Besides… he’s a dude living with dudes. Scouring his apartment of pizza boxes, felt like dust on the radiators and locating the mystery smell is going to take forever. Meanwhile the woman he wants to get with probably has a reasonably clean apartment and a fridge that doesn’t smell like pickled farts.
He has zero rights to demand you do anything. Full stop. He must have visitation, does he demand you watch them then? Of course not. If he wants them there, it is up to him as their parent to manage them. And his family can fuck right off with their opinions, they have zero rights over your very equitable boundaries also. I can’t believe the nerve of all of these people!
She in a messed up way could have set you up with a friend. Seeing that she wanted to help you grow up. I have seen this in two sisters. The oldr one introduced the young one to porn, drugs etc. it was too early and messed the young one up. You don't feel good around her, thats ok. Don't overthink the other stuff if she has never done anything else.
GF going out for dinner with a work friend –not a problem. GF going out for dinner to discuss work friends problems about his GF — a problem.
This isn't a trust issue, because, if your GF isn't a cheater, she'll shut down anything that harms or disrespects your relationship with her.
The issue is that she seems unaware of how discussing her friend's relationship problems probably disrespects HIS GF, in terms of what should intimate/private between a couple, ultimately to the detriment of the very friend she imagines she'd be helping.
If he's looking for solutions, maybe he should be seeking them WITH his GF. If he's looking for sympathy, a fellow dude might understand better.
It's quite possible he has a crush on your GF, and is testing the waters, but you should be able to trust your GF to shut him down, if so.
Is your wife covering for her friends cheating? That would be a major red flag for instance. If she just tacitly knows that would still be bad, but I'd think not as bad.
“You have verbally attacked my body during one of the most vulnerable periods of my life. It wasn't a joke, you were serious. That is not something the man I married would do, but you did. Creating a life isn't safe, there is a risk I could be disabled or die. And you choose to focus your attention on shallow beauty standards.
Because of that, I don't feel safe with you. You won't be joining me for the delivery. What the impact of your words outside of that, I need to continue to consider.”
Also putting the responsibility of a marriage counselor on him, ifthat's something you'd consider.
The thing is, custody/visitation is not tied to child support. They’re separate things. And neither guarantees the other. Also, many states either have limited or no back pay on child support these days. Mine doesn’t do back pay at all. They start the clock when your order is signed by a judge.
It was that he tried to get around it, and to me it seems like not having someone of the opposite sex in your personal space like a bath/bedroom alone together especially when you’re touching like skin to skin is a normal boundary in a relationship I feel like a partner being ok with that would make most people feel weird. My pov is screwed bc of my ex though so I am totally in the dark but it’s hard for me to see that as casual. Thank you for your input!!
I watched my mother break her back living this way for decades. Even when she worked full time, she did 100% of housework, cooking, laundry.
When she died, my father assumed I would be taking over the “women's work”. I haven't lived there for over 20 years. (He was not so politely informed he'd be doing it his damn self or paying a cleaner, obviously.)
I think it’s generally polite, if you know your ex is stinging, not to make out with someone else while you’re out with them. Yes, he should probably move on and you didn’t do something terrible by dating someone else but staying friends with ex’s is tricky exactly for this sort of thing. Maybe he was just having a bad day and it tipped him over. If not, it may be time to consider if y’all should stay friends if it’s going to cause him pain to see you with someone else.
I wouldn’t recommend two people trying to get through pregnancy, childbirth, and post partum at the same time. Having a supportive partner who is physically able to assist makes a huge difference through those times. How would that logistically work? One gives birth with a super pregnant wife as their support person, and then the other gives birth alone while the first one is home alone with a newborn? Nah
This difference in mentality is a big contributor to why the gender pay gap exists. OPs wife’s hesitation to negotiate is common and part of a much larger compounding problem.
your friend is right. funny you had to point out that she's “liberal leaning”…
have you ever done something and not really loved the end result? even a dumbass liberal wouldn't be so stupid as to do the same thing again and expect a different result…
If you are unhappy and don't see the same long term goals. Then you should allow her to be with someone that will want the same as her. She may be a nightmare as she feels you aren't as committed and is showing that frustration.
My SO is Bi and I allow her to see other women, I also see other women, when I can. You may be able to find something similar or a threesome situation with a future partner.
I’m sorry if i sound rude or mean. That wasn’t my intention. Just trying to tell our relationship was like that. So i can get a better advice. Because I really need that. I don’t know what to do from here. I really love him.
You’re right, I guess I’m leaning too hard into my desire to compromise so that he gets to go while also letting my FOMO influence my decisions. It isn’t a good idea for either of us to be going considering the risks. I just wanted him by my side/nearby no matter what.
No
I'm sorry, you're 40 and will most likely not get a second chance of getting pregnant if you really go through with an abortion and forgive your “husband”, especially not getting pregnant from him, if it didn't even happen for the past 14 years, since he was clearly the problem here all along and not you.
You're gonna resent him and then have no another chance of being a mother. He's the scumbag who cheated and did so not even a week after you were seperated! Seriously, screw your family!
Thanks for sharing. How do you know that’s the same for everyone? How would someone like me have a conversation about just asking him to do this to make me happy?
His reaction sucks, but I also think his complaints about not being able to have his family around are valid. The whole point of a family is to help support each other and to spend time together and have your own little pod that you can rely on for help, love, and support. By moving across the country without laying proper boundaries to begin with, you completely isolated your husband and your daughter. I have a feeling that there is some more to this story, and your husband isn't able to give his side here. Again, the way he is reacting is cold, but I have a feeling that if you've gotten to this point, there's some more to the story. My family is very involved in each other's lives, but we have arranged boundaries to where we all feel comfortable. People call before just showing up, they make sure they're not intruding, and we're here to help each other. Instead of trying to isolate, perhaps some family counseling is in order, here. Especially if you've been diagnosed with a disease, it's important that your husband and your daughter have family around to help support them. I hope you all can find Healing together.
Just because everyone else is jumping off a bridge doesn't make it a good idea.
You need to decide if you want to continue with this woman. If you do, then sit down with her and talk to her about getting on the lease and moving in and that she would need to get your key back from her mom. If she is opposed to any of that, then she is not interested in moving forward and you need to move in a different direction.
If you get the key permanently, then you and she need to work on boundaries. Why would you want to go somewhere without her? I know sometimes you must, but why if you can bring her? Guys night / girls night is a stupid concept. Ok, you are doing something she isn't interested in? She can skip, but the assumption is that if you are going for fun, she is there. Suppose you go to a guys night at one of their houses, and shortly after getting there, everyone goes to the next location where there are girls. A girlfriend of one of the guys shows. A guy who doesn't have a gf is hitting on another girl. That girl's bff comes over to offer you a drink and later wants to sit in your lap. See why your gf needed to come? If your friends are too crude, too rude, too guy to have your gf there. Why TF are you with them?
Why TF is she going on a girl's night without you?
Damn OP
Do you have people in your life to be there for/with you after you do it?
Take the next little bit just to take care of yourself
There's a lot to unpack here, that the comments have mostly covered.
But I'm going to guess, from my perspective anyway.
She probably has a hard time actually explaining what she means and gets frustrated that you don't get what she's trying to convey, that only makes sense in her head because she's in there lol.
Then when you question it she short circuits because she probably can't actually find the words around the explanation she's already created without context in a way that is understandable.
I struggle with this myself which is why I can see this could be a possibility.
Usually though the things I say that “don't quite make sense” is actually related to the subject at hand.
I definitely did not understand what the fuck being a main character has anything to do with working hard lol.
It's fine that she thinks that I guess, but if she can't explain something to you without getting irritated that you don't get it, that probably makes her feel really stupid not only because she probably thinks you think she is but questioning her, but then she self fulfills her own idea by not being able to even explain something from jump that makes sense.
Huh. He's a right jerk. And kinda not so bright, I think. Here's why – if he wants to negotiate ethical non-monogamy with you, he could do that. He could be an adult about it and have a conversation with you where you discuss it openly… but I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and guess that he's being whiney about a previous agreement to be monogamous?
Instead of revisiting that agreement, he is instead being a passive- aggressive whinge monster. Cause…. that's a good look. And so inspiring of trust and comfort on the part of partners… yeah.
I'd be tempted to tell him he can fuck whoever he wants- once I was done breaking up with him for being insufferable. Who does that? What on earth does he think is going to happen here? That his pissiness is going to motivate you to change your boundaries? I mean it may- but I don't think that's going to work out well for him regardless.
I think women and men can be just friends. But once you start deleting messages and once you 'find out' about plans, because she didn't tell you about them, she is hiding something. You don't deserve this. If she's not already having sex with him, she is definately planning to.
The second I found out my man had done sexual things with this girl over our “break” would be the last time he ever saw her. And how does your boyfriend take a “nap” in bed with another girl ? dude they were sleeping together, cut him off and let him be with the chick he’s basically already with
Please speak with a health care professional about the different types of HSV, how it can be transmitted, how someone could be born with it, etc. Make your decision based on solid information.
I’m confused. He wants to hang but the venue is in dispute? If he’s lying it’s not the worst lie I ever heard. Besides… he’s a dude living with dudes. Scouring his apartment of pizza boxes, felt like dust on the radiators and locating the mystery smell is going to take forever. Meanwhile the woman he wants to get with probably has a reasonably clean apartment and a fridge that doesn’t smell like pickled farts.
I. Always. Preferred. Her. Place.
He has zero rights to demand you do anything. Full stop. He must have visitation, does he demand you watch them then? Of course not. If he wants them there, it is up to him as their parent to manage them. And his family can fuck right off with their opinions, they have zero rights over your very equitable boundaries also. I can’t believe the nerve of all of these people!
People who “can't” control their anger are bad relationship bets.
She in a messed up way could have set you up with a friend. Seeing that she wanted to help you grow up. I have seen this in two sisters. The oldr one introduced the young one to porn, drugs etc. it was too early and messed the young one up. You don't feel good around her, thats ok. Don't overthink the other stuff if she has never done anything else.
GF going out for dinner with a work friend –not a problem. GF going out for dinner to discuss work friends problems about his GF — a problem.
This isn't a trust issue, because, if your GF isn't a cheater, she'll shut down anything that harms or disrespects your relationship with her.
The issue is that she seems unaware of how discussing her friend's relationship problems probably disrespects HIS GF, in terms of what should intimate/private between a couple, ultimately to the detriment of the very friend she imagines she'd be helping.
If he's looking for solutions, maybe he should be seeking them WITH his GF. If he's looking for sympathy, a fellow dude might understand better.
It's quite possible he has a crush on your GF, and is testing the waters, but you should be able to trust your GF to shut him down, if so.
Also sounds like Dead To Me
Is your wife covering for her friends cheating? That would be a major red flag for instance. If she just tacitly knows that would still be bad, but I'd think not as bad.
“You have verbally attacked my body during one of the most vulnerable periods of my life. It wasn't a joke, you were serious. That is not something the man I married would do, but you did. Creating a life isn't safe, there is a risk I could be disabled or die. And you choose to focus your attention on shallow beauty standards.
Because of that, I don't feel safe with you. You won't be joining me for the delivery. What the impact of your words outside of that, I need to continue to consider.”
Also putting the responsibility of a marriage counselor on him, ifthat's something you'd consider.
The thing is, custody/visitation is not tied to child support. They’re separate things. And neither guarantees the other. Also, many states either have limited or no back pay on child support these days. Mine doesn’t do back pay at all. They start the clock when your order is signed by a judge.
It was that he tried to get around it, and to me it seems like not having someone of the opposite sex in your personal space like a bath/bedroom alone together especially when you’re touching like skin to skin is a normal boundary in a relationship I feel like a partner being ok with that would make most people feel weird. My pov is screwed bc of my ex though so I am totally in the dark but it’s hard for me to see that as casual. Thank you for your input!!
I watched my mother break her back living this way for decades. Even when she worked full time, she did 100% of housework, cooking, laundry.
When she died, my father assumed I would be taking over the “women's work”. I haven't lived there for over 20 years. (He was not so politely informed he'd be doing it his damn self or paying a cleaner, obviously.)
You don't want this life. Trust me.
I think it’s generally polite, if you know your ex is stinging, not to make out with someone else while you’re out with them. Yes, he should probably move on and you didn’t do something terrible by dating someone else but staying friends with ex’s is tricky exactly for this sort of thing. Maybe he was just having a bad day and it tipped him over. If not, it may be time to consider if y’all should stay friends if it’s going to cause him pain to see you with someone else.
I wouldn’t recommend two people trying to get through pregnancy, childbirth, and post partum at the same time. Having a supportive partner who is physically able to assist makes a huge difference through those times. How would that logistically work? One gives birth with a super pregnant wife as their support person, and then the other gives birth alone while the first one is home alone with a newborn? Nah
This difference in mentality is a big contributor to why the gender pay gap exists. OPs wife’s hesitation to negotiate is common and part of a much larger compounding problem.
your friend is right. funny you had to point out that she's “liberal leaning”…
have you ever done something and not really loved the end result? even a dumbass liberal wouldn't be so stupid as to do the same thing again and expect a different result…
Do they each other for long?
If you are unhappy and don't see the same long term goals. Then you should allow her to be with someone that will want the same as her. She may be a nightmare as she feels you aren't as committed and is showing that frustration.
My SO is Bi and I allow her to see other women, I also see other women, when I can. You may be able to find something similar or a threesome situation with a future partner.
I agree with this. Revulsion is fine, but anything even slightly suggestive would be interpreted as “banter” by this gross, line-crossing creep.
This is a troll post. You want to make us believe she is masturbating with a dildo that’s about the size of a newborn’s head?
He doesn't trust you. Doesn't that tell you the answer to you question?
I’m sorry if i sound rude or mean. That wasn’t my intention. Just trying to tell our relationship was like that. So i can get a better advice. Because I really need that. I don’t know what to do from here. I really love him.
You’re right, I guess I’m leaning too hard into my desire to compromise so that he gets to go while also letting my FOMO influence my decisions. It isn’t a good idea for either of us to be going considering the risks. I just wanted him by my side/nearby no matter what.