A) what exactly are these single people things? And B) it only matters that there's “temptation” if she has no self control. There's temptation literally everywhere. If you can't trust your partner not to cheat don't date them.
If your fiancée wants to have a bridal shower or a bachelorette party, you can’t tell her that she can’t. Those are events that celebrate her, and it would be toxic and controlling to dictate that she can’t have those. You aren’t required to host events that make you uncomfortable but the bridal shower and bachelorette party doesn’t have anything to do with you.
You can’t really force people to not bring gifts. You can ask that they don’t, but if they do, you have to accept it. Otherwise you would just be rude and ungrateful. You sound pretty insufferable if I’m being honest.
Honestly, you need to leave him. Now. His getting you on Meth is a fast path to destroying your life. That’s not what a good person does. Maybe he is amazing in other ways, maybe he needs help, but you cannot help him. However he can and will badly damage you. Please don’t let this happen to yourself.
He says he just wants me to be me, but at the same time he'll let me know what bothers him without really setting boundaries. I really wish he would though.
I honestly don't think he's expecting me to give up any friendships, maybe he'd be happy if I removed this particular friend I talked about, and I would for him, but I would also be very sad about it.
I think his expectations are that I don't flirt or invite flirtatious behavior which I already don't do. Or maybe he really does want me to cut contact with my guy friends but just doesn't want to say it. I really don't know..
This is similar to my situation. We eloped during COVID but my fiancé wanted the big wedding and I didn’t.
We are having a very expensive wedding at a luxury resort. $1000+/night type of resort.
In the end I’m glad we are doing it because so many of her friends and family want to be there to see her get married. We are fortunate enough that the cost isn’t burdensome though I’d rather have bought a GT3 all cash.
We have informed all guests that their presence is present enough. A lot of the people who can’t come want to give gifts. We set up a few Zola cash funds for charities of our choosing and these individuals who wish to give money (it’s a norm in our culture) will be giving it to worthy causes.
You need to recognize this is for your spouse. This should be a time filled with great memories..:not being salty.
You can't fix this, or him. He's on parole and is still going to clubs – which has to be a violation of his parole, and getting in fights, which is definitely a violation.
You've helped him get a car and an apartment and whatever else. He's not a project. He's a person. He's a very troubled person who has lived a life you can't understand at all.
The only thing I'd call you on is your judgement of his friend who got pregnant in the abusive relationship. You don't know her circumstances or if she's allowed to use contraception. She may have been r*ped by her partner or coerced somehow into pregnancy. Take a step back on that because you don't know.
In any case, this is one of the most clear cut cases of two people not being compatible that I've ever seen here. Geographically, life experiences, culturally, everything – just worlds apart.
He refuses to heal from his childhood trauma or address the harmful, aggressive schemas he has developed. “Real world” can be harsh and he has no doubt seen how ugly things can get, but he seems unwilling to challenge whether that should be his reality for the rest of his life.
Unless he makes some drastic changes to his mindset and begins the healing & recovery process, I think his resentment and anger will only keep piling up.
I think his life experiences and the way they dictate his worldview makes you two incompatible.
No buddy. This is absolutely not the way to do this. Your girl might be oblivious to all this but your child is soon gonna start acting as an emotionnal sponge. It's going to create the very base of what his personnality will be throughout his entire life. It is mandatory that you get your act together right now, because I don't think one can imagine how much you'd hate yourself for ruining this child's life. Just imagine what kind of adult he will become after if he grew up knowing his dad doesn't love him and is unhappy because of his presence.
Even worse, some baby react to that by completely shutting down. It's like “oh you don't like when i'm around ? It's alright dad i'm just gonna not exist”. And they simply stop crying, and instead piss themself over and over again or starve themselves to deatg because they'll refuse to make a sound if they know it bothers you.
You'll need to swallow it up, one way or another. I would advise therapy, maybe it could even help you overcome the resentment and bitterness.
He has :/ and to no avail She actually locks her own door every time she leaves and enters, I always wondered about that. I guess that’ll be the new normal for me too.
Like yeah I can see where she thought it was obvious enough, most people don’t sit around in lingerie but she definitely shouldn’t have gotten that mad over this.
Have you thought about putting this in a letter for your wife? She clearly dismisses your feelings when you try to talk to her, so maybe you should write out how you feel. If you have the money, I'd also suggest seeing a marriage therapist.
When it comes down to it, the boundaries are quite reasonable. It’s all things you hope won’t need a discussion with the other person beforehand. It may come across as a little weird if you straight up whip out a list, but using this to organize your thoughts isn’t a terrible idea. You can just be open and say that these are your boundaries. That crossing them in a significant manner will cause you to reconsider the relationship.
As a girl I might have some insight for you. There’s clearly a larger problem at play and they’re using the small instances that reinforce that issue in their head to start fights. From what you’ve said it sounds like they want to spend quality time with you but you feel like that need is being met on your end. I would approach them neutrally (that is not in the middle of a fight but when you’re both relaxed) and have a good long chat. Ask them what needs they feel aren’t being met and what actions you can take to make sure they are happy and fulfilled within your relationship. Don’t take this as you being a bad partner though, it’s very very hot to fix any problems if they are not being communicated to you and if you feel like there isn’t a problem. It might also be a good idea for you to communicate the fact that you need alone time so you’re able to provide the things that they want out of your relationship. It always goes two ways and communicating how you’re both feeling is always helpful for figuring out how to be the best partner for eachother.
I have a Mom, Dad, Stepmother, and Stepdad. My Mom and stepdad divorced 9 years ago. 2 years ago he walked me down the aisle. I don't even speak to my Mom. She's an adult. Leaving her Dad doesn't mean you're leaving her at her age.
If she spends that much time watching reality TV she has no leg to stand on.
A) what exactly are these single people things? And B) it only matters that there's “temptation” if she has no self control. There's temptation literally everywhere. If you can't trust your partner not to cheat don't date them.
If your fiancée wants to have a bridal shower or a bachelorette party, you can’t tell her that she can’t. Those are events that celebrate her, and it would be toxic and controlling to dictate that she can’t have those. You aren’t required to host events that make you uncomfortable but the bridal shower and bachelorette party doesn’t have anything to do with you.
You can’t really force people to not bring gifts. You can ask that they don’t, but if they do, you have to accept it. Otherwise you would just be rude and ungrateful. You sound pretty insufferable if I’m being honest.
Honestly, you need to leave him. Now. His getting you on Meth is a fast path to destroying your life. That’s not what a good person does. Maybe he is amazing in other ways, maybe he needs help, but you cannot help him. However he can and will badly damage you. Please don’t let this happen to yourself.
But she doesn’t do the same with women?
He says he just wants me to be me, but at the same time he'll let me know what bothers him without really setting boundaries. I really wish he would though.
I honestly don't think he's expecting me to give up any friendships, maybe he'd be happy if I removed this particular friend I talked about, and I would for him, but I would also be very sad about it.
I think his expectations are that I don't flirt or invite flirtatious behavior which I already don't do. Or maybe he really does want me to cut contact with my guy friends but just doesn't want to say it. I really don't know..
This is similar to my situation. We eloped during COVID but my fiancé wanted the big wedding and I didn’t.
We are having a very expensive wedding at a luxury resort. $1000+/night type of resort.
In the end I’m glad we are doing it because so many of her friends and family want to be there to see her get married. We are fortunate enough that the cost isn’t burdensome though I’d rather have bought a GT3 all cash.
We have informed all guests that their presence is present enough. A lot of the people who can’t come want to give gifts. We set up a few Zola cash funds for charities of our choosing and these individuals who wish to give money (it’s a norm in our culture) will be giving it to worthy causes.
You need to recognize this is for your spouse. This should be a time filled with great memories..:not being salty.
Suck it up a bit and enjoy the ride.
You can't fix this, or him. He's on parole and is still going to clubs – which has to be a violation of his parole, and getting in fights, which is definitely a violation.
You've helped him get a car and an apartment and whatever else. He's not a project. He's a person. He's a very troubled person who has lived a life you can't understand at all.
The only thing I'd call you on is your judgement of his friend who got pregnant in the abusive relationship. You don't know her circumstances or if she's allowed to use contraception. She may have been r*ped by her partner or coerced somehow into pregnancy. Take a step back on that because you don't know.
In any case, this is one of the most clear cut cases of two people not being compatible that I've ever seen here. Geographically, life experiences, culturally, everything – just worlds apart.
They won't get there ever, as babyboy refuses to grow any farther than chopping veggies.
He refuses to heal from his childhood trauma or address the harmful, aggressive schemas he has developed. “Real world” can be harsh and he has no doubt seen how ugly things can get, but he seems unwilling to challenge whether that should be his reality for the rest of his life.
Unless he makes some drastic changes to his mindset and begins the healing & recovery process, I think his resentment and anger will only keep piling up.
I think his life experiences and the way they dictate his worldview makes you two incompatible.
No buddy. This is absolutely not the way to do this. Your girl might be oblivious to all this but your child is soon gonna start acting as an emotionnal sponge. It's going to create the very base of what his personnality will be throughout his entire life. It is mandatory that you get your act together right now, because I don't think one can imagine how much you'd hate yourself for ruining this child's life. Just imagine what kind of adult he will become after if he grew up knowing his dad doesn't love him and is unhappy because of his presence.
Even worse, some baby react to that by completely shutting down. It's like “oh you don't like when i'm around ? It's alright dad i'm just gonna not exist”. And they simply stop crying, and instead piss themself over and over again or starve themselves to deatg because they'll refuse to make a sound if they know it bothers you.
You'll need to swallow it up, one way or another. I would advise therapy, maybe it could even help you overcome the resentment and bitterness.
He doesn’t think you ‘understand’ she needs help…but he doesn’t understand she needs a level of help he isn’t capable of providing.
Yes, he can do ‘whatever he wants’, but he’ll need to do it without you in his life.
He’s her only friend because addicts burn bridges and have already worn out the goodwill of everyone else in their lives.
It’s part of the disease, and without real treatment that’s not going to change.
Wow I see nothing smart here.
He has :/ and to no avail She actually locks her own door every time she leaves and enters, I always wondered about that. I guess that’ll be the new normal for me too.
Like yeah I can see where she thought it was obvious enough, most people don’t sit around in lingerie but she definitely shouldn’t have gotten that mad over this.
Have you thought about putting this in a letter for your wife? She clearly dismisses your feelings when you try to talk to her, so maybe you should write out how you feel. If you have the money, I'd also suggest seeing a marriage therapist.
Respect his wishes.
So now she’s doing drugs, so what is your point and why the post?
When it comes down to it, the boundaries are quite reasonable. It’s all things you hope won’t need a discussion with the other person beforehand. It may come across as a little weird if you straight up whip out a list, but using this to organize your thoughts isn’t a terrible idea. You can just be open and say that these are your boundaries. That crossing them in a significant manner will cause you to reconsider the relationship.
I don’t think so, but have to admit it’s not impossible.
As a girl I might have some insight for you. There’s clearly a larger problem at play and they’re using the small instances that reinforce that issue in their head to start fights. From what you’ve said it sounds like they want to spend quality time with you but you feel like that need is being met on your end. I would approach them neutrally (that is not in the middle of a fight but when you’re both relaxed) and have a good long chat. Ask them what needs they feel aren’t being met and what actions you can take to make sure they are happy and fulfilled within your relationship. Don’t take this as you being a bad partner though, it’s very very hot to fix any problems if they are not being communicated to you and if you feel like there isn’t a problem. It might also be a good idea for you to communicate the fact that you need alone time so you’re able to provide the things that they want out of your relationship. It always goes two ways and communicating how you’re both feeling is always helpful for figuring out how to be the best partner for eachother.
That does not sound safe or sane, even if consensual. And I'm not sure about the history of the third one either.
Beach guy definitely singled her out and approached for a reason…
I have a Mom, Dad, Stepmother, and Stepdad. My Mom and stepdad divorced 9 years ago. 2 years ago he walked me down the aisle. I don't even speak to my Mom. She's an adult. Leaving her Dad doesn't mean you're leaving her at her age.
Even though you are going to downvote me again because apparently unwilling to hear truth:
“I was like “yeah I am not going to be your rebound.””
Position of strength and independance. A woman not easy to be had.
Which has change to now be:
“He's not calling as much either, I find that I am the one make initial contact more often. That is what I meant by constantly.
I am the first one to text, I am the one calling.”
Just stop doing this.
You invest more into your relationship than he does, currently.
It's off ballance.
And if you go hunting him down on it it may not end well.
It seldom does.
Take it from the “Queen of hunting men down”.
It invariably ends with the man getting annoyed. Or leaving.
Your anxiety is triggered by his low level of involvment.
It makes you do more and more.
Which makes him pull away and do less and less.
Work on your anxiety. It's rewarding. And it is solvable.
I give this stepmom a 10/10 rating; very amazing and loving.