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This sounds overly controlling and is a real red flag.
Sorry but why judge her and not him. They both had sex with each other so I’m not sure why you’re mad at the woman you’ve never met but not grossed out by the dude you’re marrying who’s banged his cousin.
Obviously he has a drinking problem, but I’m my experience men who speak to their girlfriends / wives like that while drunk don’t respect women at all, even when sober. They can just hide it when they aren’t drinking. I’m sorry you are dealing with this, but the best you can probably do is leave him.
I think this is a sign of incompatibility – I have a female cousin who has a lovely gf and when we have get togethers it’s the two of them playing with all the kids, having a ball. They both are in school to be teachers, they just love being around kids. And they both are so happy together, it’s honestly so wholesome how much they enjoy each others company and interests.
I can’t help but think maybe you’d be happier if you were with someone who is more on your wavelength about interacting with kids and folks you consider family.
Have you talked about your BF about what he like about you, what he loves about you? I think you may be assuming some things about how he feels about you that can be confirmed with some communication.