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It sounds like you were emotionally out of the relationship before it ended.
If we're being honest, you held up pretty well and as far as you've said have still not done anything out of concern for your ex's feelings. He has no further right to you or your actions, and good luck moving forward. I think you can't really make it better, only time can do that, and your ex has got to get over you.
You don't need to tell her that YOU want to finish the friendship in a good way, because SHE told you that SHE wants to end it due to you being a terrible friend when she needed you.
Leave her alone. She made her decision. Do better next time.
The lame jokes are not the issue. The issue is they literally ignored him, got into an argument about him while he was still there, and told the gf she “fucked up” by bringing him to dinner.
It’s also not a black cookout. It was a family dinner to introduce your new bf.
Then it sounds like there is action to be taken regarding that security guard and/or that venue. And this reinforces that OP should be allowed at the venue
What does your wife have to say about John and the photographer? They’re her friends after all?
I sincerely hope John is no longer in the picture. He sounds like he doesn’t have any respect for you, either as a person or as the man his friend chose to spend her life with. What a cruel thing to do!
Doing a repeat ceremony sounds like a great idea, provided he isn’t invited. But before doing that you need to get a handle on this and learn how to put it out of your mind. I don’t know what that would take – therapy, meditation, psychedelics – but the last thing you want is have your repeat ceremony and be unable to take your mind off the fact that the reason you’re there is because of John.