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You’ve got to answer the question about how badly you want yo keep your husband. Because if he doesn’t want an open relationship anymore than what are you going to do?
So many people are going to be like “oh you can’t say that”
But honestly what are you going to do?
Once he had confessed some sort of attraction to this coworker I would have divorced him. Now he’s made a really big mess.
I think you should talk to him. I don't see how keeping it a secret is going to help you. He may turn out to be very supportive. It might relieve some of the stress you are feeling about it.
You think I'd stop being shocked at the amount of gross smelly unhygienic dudes out there …
Don't let him make you feel like crap about yourself. You CAN do better.
It won’t work, he won’t use it. This guy seems criminally lazy.
Op. You’re a secret. You deserve more than that. My friend dated a guy for two years and had your situation. One night while he slept she took a picture of his drivers licence to make sure she had the right address and made a copy of his house key from one of those instant key kits. The next day while he’s at work we walk into his place, to set up for his surprise birthday (it was part cover because she wanted to see his house and to prove to us that he wasn’t being shady). The foyer was ladies shows and kids shoes. He had a wife and two kids. This smells like that situation.
UpdateMe!
She admitted it, so good on her. What you MUST make her understand that for her it's 6 years ago, for you it just happened.
If it were me, I'd be inclined to work through it. You two are talking about marriage, so this will be an excellent measure of how the two of you handle problems.
Again, she came forward BEFORE you bought a ring. As far as I can tell there's no chance you'd have found out otherwise. That counts for a lot in my mind. She's rather lose her love than marry you under false pretences. There's character there.
I’m sorry to have to tell you this but it sounds very much as if this other girl is his girlfriend and you are his side chick. He hasn’t given you any reason to trust him, and I’m sure that you know this already.
How you deal with that is resigning yourself to being disrespected and never being his priority, or do the sensible thing which you don’t want to hear said out loud.
The double standards in this sub are sad
Thank you for your opinion.
Ma’am, what else does this man have to do to prove that he will always be a cheater? He cheated on his wife. He’s already cheated on you, and now he’s trying to manipulate you into thinking it’s okay for him to talk to a woman he cheated with.
You two are a train wreck. You should probably stay together so you don’t mess up anyone else’s lives.
Honestly, we haven’t been intimate in ages because I just feel more like his mother or his maid than anything else.
I think it incredibly concerning men don't seem to realize that once their partner sees them as a child, attraction is gone.
This makes sense. Weird but I get the whole “trophy” thing.
It could be that she's with someone now. It could he that she didn't like seeing your name or thinking about you on her bday. I mean whatever it is, she wants to cut ties. So just understand that and learn whatever you can from what happened
I am so out of touch.
I have no idea, because his tone didn’t even sound “jokey” if that made sense? I haven’t spoken to him yet, he keeps messaging asking what’s wrong but I haven’t replied
He has an eating disorder. That said, guilting and accusing you after a meal because he’s anxious about his calorie intake still isn’t fair or right at all. The disorder doesn’t excuse that. But he clearly needs help.
No, they are gold diggers. How they are going to get anything from someone with less money than them is beyond me tho.
Yep I tried that route and forgave him (well 98% forgiven and 0% forgotten), but that did not work out. I can never trust him again with finances.
I am pushing him into therapy and gamblers anonymous is an option I have presented.
OP ur a smart lady. Depression isn't an excuse to cheat. I have chronic depression and bipolar disorder. I literally sometimes want to jump off a roof.. but I've had more thoughts like that than even once considering that cheating on my husband was a good idea to alleviate my depression.
I always say this!
MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES ARE NO EXCUSE FOR BEING A SHITTY PERSON!
you can't blame that shit for choices u make and people who do are major AHs once u accept that. What next?
I stuck my dick in some rando because i was sad?
This is definite psycho level material. Sounds like you picked the wrong girl.
I'm sure someone mentioned in the comments but I didn't see it, but did you ever think that maybe he breaks up with you and he wants to sleep with someone else and just blames it on hives? But why would you want to be with someone who blames you for something when you've obviously been very sensitive and accommodating.
Reframe your experience: you were 25 when you met a 42-year-old live, and you had no previous sexual experience, moved to a strange country then got trapped in what sounds like a loveless marriage being coerced into pleasureless sex.
Stop taking it as a chore and say no. You have agency over your body no matter what he's led you to believe.
I'd also have something of a problem with the opinion he apparently has of me… Also, that's what prenups are made for.
Less than a divorce…
I had a friend that did this to my husband.
I dumped the friend. It’s not that hot.
Some of the best advice I've heard is “you're not doing someone a favor by being here if you don't want to be.” contextually it was about a band I was in, but really it's true for relationships at large. You're not doing someone a favor by staying with them when you don't love them anymore.
You need to date real people. LDRs are much harder because you can’t sort out any issues face to face. We do a lot of our social and emotional interactions using intuitive body language reading.
If you misinterpret something he says because it’s through text or the video stream is crap you’re going to elevate any issues and then you may not get to resolve them before you speak/text again.
I’d say you need to stay away from LDR. Find someone you can have a complete relationship with, not a part time one.
I am not a poc. I don't know if this woman is a racist or a fake activist. What she sounds like to me is a nut. I avoid nuts. Normal adult women don't behave this way. Women usually don't attack others, or verbally abuse people.Average people learn self control, restraint and to be polite. There are people who are just more apt to brawl and act feral, like they didn't grow up with people to show them proper behavior. This is not the norm in my experience.
Avoid people that cause you stress or make you uncomfortable. Life is short, spend it with people who are pleasant to be around and share your passions and values.
I get confused when ppl say know from work on here, is he a co worker?
What kind of dr?
I'm guessing that your age and professional inexperience are causing you to doubt yourself so let me put your mind at ease. I'm a 58 year old woman who has worked in every kind of environment you can imagine. This guy would be considered a massive fucking creep in every single one of them. None of what he is saying or doing is okay, normal or acceptable in any workplace.
If you follow your line of thinking that maybe he's just 'being friendly', does he tell your male co-workers that they're good looking? Hug them? Put his hand on their knee? On their neck? Send them the 'wolf whistle' emoji? If he were to 'wolf whistle' at one of your male coworkers, what do you suppose their response would be? Or if he put his hand on a male coworker's knee? Their response would probably be something along the lines of what the fuck are you doing??.
Because there is nothing okay or normal about what he is doing. Right now, he is testing you. He does these little things to gauge your reaction and to see if you let him get away with it. Then he does a little more. And then a little more. He's finding out how far he can go and get away with it.