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You’re spineless dude. She literally had this guy lobbying and bullying you on her behalf.
If my SO was on deployment and told me they were coming I would reschedule my night out with a friend. He might be the same and so, expects the same treatment from his SO. This depends on what the plans made by the SO are.
“May I kiss you” sounds so Elizabethan and romantic so I’d go with that one ❤️
These are all good questions. With the power dynamic thing, I'd say if there's excellent communication, boundaries, and trust (all three), it might work. I have a power dynamic with my gf but we talk about it so often and we draw a lot of boundaries. If you don't trust him not to overstep, or if you think he doesn't fully understand what the situation is (e.g. my dad doesn't understand why he has the power in the relationship with my mom even tho he's the sole earner), I would strongly caution against it for your own sanity and even safety.
With the marginalized groups thing: how does he react when you ask him not to speak like that? Does he show interest in wanting to learn or does he brush you off? This would be a major deal breaker for me if my partner did not at least try to learn about justice issues.
The chewing thing is honestly up to you. Have you talked to him about it? Do you think it's worth talking to him about?
Ultimately, it doesn't matter if it's rational or not – you'd be perfectly justified in breaking up with someone if, e.g., you didn't like their eye color. Consent is a two way street and to call someone's reason for breaking up “unjustified” is toxic. You can break up at any time for any reason. Sure, someone can say it's petty or that they don't understand, but you shouldn't pressure yourself into continuing the relationship just because your reason is “small” or you think it's not a good enough reason.
Rooting for you, gal pal.
the red flag is right in front of you .
put your crown on and end that shit …
what you allow will continue .
Sounds like he needs to grow up. Not everything women do is sexual in nature. Also, not really advice but, if I thought a girl next to me in bed was “playing with herself,” I'd be fuckin' stoked. Maybe I just have a massive ego but, I'd think “hell yeah! This is all because she's next to me. She can't resist the urge anymore” lol. Not sure if this is a helpful approach at all but, I'd tell him to grow up and accept that not everything you do has anything to do with sex or masturbation.
Wouldn't the fingers in the mouth just be for lubrication?
Why does it matter what happened before you? Everyone has a past. If it makes you insecure then that’s a reflection of things you have to work on maybe in therapy.
Thank you this helped.
It’s sad how lonely you can feel with another person. It’s just me and my dog now and I’m happy. You can be too, don’t let another person keep making you feel small and lonely.
I agree I think I deserve better too!
You need to get better about picking up those cues.
This is what she needs to work on.
General rule:
People with money, don't talk about their saved money.
People that spend like OP's ex, have no money saved.
It's over man.
She's not attracted to you. She most likely sees you as a friend with benefits. She cares about you but doesn't love you like you love her. You deserve to have someone love you as much as you love them.
You guys need a serious discussion about your relationship and really consider ending things amicably. However, make sure you keep evidence just in case she spins the narrative in her favor. I say this because after this situation, you really don't know can trust your wife now.
He has a few mil, he's a cheap fuck. That's how he has the money.
I like middle class. I have what I need, i can afford a luxury when I want it. I have struggles but they aren't going to be the end of me. I can handle missing a few days pay and my world doesn't come crashing down. But it still is a paycheque to paycheque life.
The current empire we on-line in is the Capitalism empire. The Roman empire fell, the Egyptians fell, the Ottoman empire fell etc. We're just in the middle of this one so we can't see it. It will fall too and give rise to something new. The lower and middle classes are going to have to fight the top or something to bring about change to get our comforts back. I don't know anything about this other than getting increasingly annoyed with the unbalance that's occurring, I don't study this shit!
This situation sucks all around though the timing isn't great. In my imagination, my thoughts are, not making yourself available all the time. Slowly withdraw. Still be nice and ask about her father but don't do things as a couple. Emotionally check out. She will eventually ask and let her know when you have the conversation. She's going to be hysterical and tell you don't do this now but tell her your truth. You can only be there as a friend. She can worry about dad and you'll take care of separating joint assets. You'll give her some time to process but clean break is absolutely necessary a few weeks/ months after everything is settled and that's all that you can and are willing to do. I'm sorry op. I know imagination and reality are two different beasts but, seeing that this situation is so horrible, seems like the most human way to amicably end your relationship. Good luck op. Again, I'm sorry.
Updateme
It's a parent's responsibility to take care of child and not the way around. Don't feel guilty of choosing yourself. Don't sacrifice your whole life for this. You need to take some responsibility as a child. But not all. Why can't your father take care of your mother?? 24 is too young for this much burden
Guarantee this poor bastard wont know
You are already married to your family!
I don't see the future!
It's never ok. Get therapy.
I love thinking back on my past lives and (some) loves. It's not about wishing I still had that life/loves, but it is about remembering what a great life I have had the opportunity to enjoy.
I couldn't ever pretend the past didn't exist. It's what made me who I am today.
Thank you. It would probably be a good idea if I could get hold of her.
Could be dawn phenomenon for sure. You wake up feeling awful, angry, irritable.
End it.
She knows exactly why she did what she did, her wanting time is either to make up an excuse she thinks you will except, or to decide who she wants to be with going forward.
So don’t give her the chance.
And when you end it, tell her that the reason she kissed her coworker is because she has no morals. She is a cheater and will always be a cheater.
Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Those small lies are big problems.
I’m not really sure OP. It seems like it’ll ultimately be up to you and how well you know your gf and what you want to tell her. HOWEVER please do somehow let the girl in the video know. Just in case she doesn’t know those videos of her are up.
Good luck!
With his behavior he actually does not appear to be mentally or emotionally ready for a relationship. I hear a lot that sometimes guys get into a relationship because they think it will fix them or will help them move on. That is not the case, he will stay emotionally unavailable if he can't face and work on his own problems. Because yours remind him, so he avoids.
I think your gf might be more disabled than your sister
It’s easy to fall into the mental circle of “What is she doing right now? Who is she spending her time with?” And all the other obsessive thoughts.
First, she is 10 years your senior. She is also your boss. This probably can’t go anywhere.
Fill your life with the people and things that make you happy! You’ll find that with time your thoughts will slow down and fade.
If they don’t start to fade after time, it might be a good chance to call a mental health provider and ask for a mental health wellness appointment. Constant thoughts, especially early on in the time of rejection, are common. Obsessive thoughts are not.
I think you have it wrong. You are the age to have had your first Hep B shot in the hospital at your birth. In general, a positive antibody test for Hep B means the shots worked. Go back and talk to the doctor more. If you were indeed positive for Hep B disease, you would likely be chronically ill and your doctor would be discussing detailed treatments.
I scrolled though about half the comments and no one offered this reply:
Maybe she's been into knife play in the past and either hasn't gotten around to talking to you about it or just forgot she left the knife in there.
A kitchen knife wouldn't be a first choice for knife play, but you make do with what you got.
No hate here from a fellow hyperemesis sufferer. Nobody gets it unless they experience it. I had the flu while pregnant and didn’t even realize it until a few days later once I gave it to the rest of my family since I felt like I had the flu every day for 9 months. At the time, doctors were against doing anything to help for fear of harming the baby. I was dehydrated and they didn’t even give me fluids, so I was going to work feeling like I had the flu and unable to even keep water down.
I had 4 kids so I vomited for years. Not just in the morning- all day long. I lost weight while pregnant. I would eat the same meal twice in order to hopefully keep some of it down the second time. I remember my first meal in the hospital after having the baby. I was so hungry and could finally keep food down.
My daughter had a vaginal tear that was pretty bad, and the stitches came out. She was in severe pain, and the nurse who talked to when she called to complain told her it was normal to be sore with stitches. If I hadn’t been there to help get her to be seen by the doctor that day, he said it would have required a surgery to repair. I would recommend against having kids as a single mom or adoption if OP wants to have the baby. It’s very very hot.
haha okay friend
Thanks for your response. It just got cancelled. I actually asked “ok well when can we spend time next then if you can't do it this weekend” and what I got in response was “I can't tell the future” ??
Nah, this ain't it. I have ADHD and frankly I find it super helpful when my partner reminds me we need to do the dishes or that I've forgotten to brush my teeth. We aren't gross, we are just forgetful.
What you do is up to you, but him being a misogynist is a yes at this point (consider the extent of his misogyny instead).
He uses insults towards women when he does not like them, and has insulted you publicly while also accepting and letting his friend speak negatively about you.
People can change but that's rare and takes a lot of effort on their part. I doubt your partner sees how he speaks about women or how he spoke toward you as an issue, I'm pretty certain that if you were to try to address this with him, he would just get defensive. What I mean by this is that you should not expect to be able to “change him.” He is a 50 year old adult that has most likely had the same views for years and years. On top of that, he participates in campaigns for a party that has a lot of anti-women views, which shows that his political stances are at a level high enough for him to be an advocate.
Other than that, from what I'm getting his political views and attitude towards women is tied to his social circle. They all use insults to women simply because they dislike them and at least one of his friends has spoken negatively about you. Since social influences play a role in behaviour, and a big part of his social circle supports his current views, he is even more unlikely to ever change his views.
You have a few options: 1) You accept it and keep taking insults from him
2) You try to improve this situation. Talk to him and tell him about your concerns, request therapy, relationship counselling or attempt to set boundaries. All three require some effort on his part. This of course does not mean that there will be change, that will depend on how he chooses to handle things. Personally, I don't have much hope due to his age, boys club and the fact that he is most likely very deeply set on his views. If nothing works, you will need to either go back to option 1 or go to option 3.
3) You end the relationship and go your own way. Option
Not sure what you mean by being a “handful.” Perhaps it's something problematic or something very minor and insignificant.
If you are not exclusive then you can date who you want and she can too.
Friend typing here: thanks for the comment, op said thanks. We think that it wasn’t a stripper but most likely the brother of one of her friends. That’s what op thought at first
Sounds like a trauma bond. The sex is working like an intermittent reward and intoxicating reprieve to her abuse. The only sane path forward is going cold turkey and NO CONTACT. Delete the photos and videos. Block her. Fill your life with healthy distractions until your brain stops firing down the usual pathways. You're almost 30. Time to exercise some self control.
She’s trickle-truthing you dude
OP, you should ignore many of these comments. Having your first is a huge adjustment. Go to counseling with your husband, work through it. It is very common for there to be issues in the beginning. Every couple struggles with it in one way or another. Its usually much more difficult than imagined. Likely will get better.
You’ve been with her since you were 14 and she was 17? Now THAT’S weird.
And why exactly haven’t you filed for divorce? I’m not sure what else there is to do here. Oh, one other thing to do is get yourself tested. Those are the two options here in my opinion.
You need to leave both of them and go NC. The BF is scum that doesn’t deserve you and the BF Brother is just as bad for what he’s doing, in fact don’t even be surprised if the BF knows and out him up to do it.
Leave and put yourself first for a change, you need to work on you and then look for a much healthier relationship when you are ready for it.
Can youll just pour your own ketchup blobs?
Your past is nothing at all, OP. You don't owe a current the down & dirty details of things you've done with others and seem to have a real fear of being judged by your very, very basic sexual past. It also sounds like you were SA'd by that one dude, so you really really don't need to talk about this if you don't want to. Your current should not have these really granular details about x thing that you did with x guys? It's kind of a creepy standard? You shouldn't have lied, though.
Yeah I think you should move on from her
Honestly I’m not upset abt the furniture, I also have issues from holding my bladder too much and I WILL pee on myself if I can’t make it, but I will clean it up. It just weirds me out that she wouldn’t just tell me when it happens
Block him and move on. You deserve someone who wants to meet you in person and not be led on.
I’m sorry. Definitely get a lawyer ASAP. The legal and financial issues are above Reddit’s pay grade.
If you leave the house now and then he decides he doesn’t want to sell, you may have to buy out his interest. If you don’t have piles of cash, that could put you in a bad spot, such as having to give him your share of the business (and thus all future profits) instead. And you know AP is going to want your SBTX to keep that big fancy house for his replacement family.
Who owns the business now? A lawyer can guide you on whether it’s better to own 50% of the business or just have it in the divorce judgment that you get 50% of the profits, based on your circumstances. I would prefer the former in most cases for a bunch of reasons, but there may be risks to owning 1/2 of the business too. Ask if there’s a way to prevent the AP from getting her hands on the business. Remember that if he marries her, his future income and increases in the value of his interest will be community property with her. Not to mention he’ll probably want to bring her into the business and push you out eventually.
Keep in mind that however much you think your STBX wouldn’t want to hurt you or your children, his AP is about to have access to your finances and your kids. She doesn’t give a shit about your financial security or your children’s futures. She will want every penny she can get her hands on fur herself and her future children with your SBTX. Right now your SBTX thinks he can have his cake and eat it too, but eventually he’ll try to cut out family #1 in favor of family #2. You will want to make sure not one penny that should be going towards your kids’ education is diverted to his new family.
Gather up:
passports, IDs, birth certificates, and social security cards for you and your kids;
6 months of statements for all the bank accounts and investment accounts;
recent statements, loan balances, and payment histories for all loan and credit accounts (mortgage, cars, credit cards, etc.);
the settlement statement from your home closing;
several years of tax returns;
logins, passwords, and account numbers for every financial account;
in case your STBX decides to get cute with the money, his social security number, DL number, issuance date & expiration date, and passport number.
And tell your kids the truth. If the truth makes your SBTX look bad, then he should have made better choices.
I accept that I am more comfortable being in control. I also would stress that my communication skills are garbage. I do not believe I should be in complete control over our finances. In fact I relinquished financial management to her for the most part. I just strongly feel that both of us should have veto power on big purchases and shouldnt be made to feel uncomfortable about making them. If the roles were reversed I would drop it and maybe find a better time to talk through it.
I am being completely sincere when I say that I strongly believe I just kind of react and say the immediate answer to the question posed to me rather than supress that innate emotional response and logically convey that I would rather talk about it later. After decades of therapy and pills, this might have improved somewhat, although I am thoroughly convinced that I have no conscious control of this.
I wont lie to her and tell her otherwise. I wont promise to something that I dont believe I am capable of doing. That probably makes me a coward and that is probably true too. I own the labels people attribute to me. It is their truth.
You're allowed not to invite her but be prepared for the drama that will ensue. Your boyfriend needs to set boundaries with her. Communicate your feelings to your boyfriend and let him know about her behavior. If he doesn't put a stop to this, the best thing to do is break up.
That's complete lunacy. In no way is that appropriate.
Did you ever probe her on why she thought it would be appropriate to even ask such a thing?
First of all, paragraphs are your friend. It's very difficult to read a block of text like that.
Second, he's not a monster. He's human. A human making shitty, harmful decisions. It's important that we acknowledge that people who commit sexual assault etc are human just like the rest of us. They look and act like everyone else for the most part. People who deem them monsters are more likely to refuse to believe that someone they know, perhaps even love, could possibly be a predator even when they are very credibly accused of horrid behavior. That's how predators get away with it.
Third, his bipolar disorder didn't make him sexually harass your gf. That was him. That's who he is – it was just a side of him that you didn't know about. Now he's trying to blame the two of you for his actions by guilt tripping you. That just proves that you can't have him back in your home or life – he isn't taking responsibility for his actions.
I'm afraid this is going to be an expensive lesson as to why it's a bad idea to buy property with people you don't know extremely well. However, don't feel guilty for kicking him out. You're protecting your gf, yourself, and possibly your roommate too. This was the very predictable consequence of his actions. He has only himself to blame.
At 8 months, she's definitely overstepping some boundaries trying to tell you how to spend your money, but also telling a teacher who makes 30k a year that the money is “no bid deal” is also pretty cruel. I make less than that, and I'm constantly struggling. I totally understand her getting excited that maybe in the near future, she won't have to decide between classroom supplies or dental care.
EHS
The age gap argument speaks volumes here.
Walk. Away.
It’s Reddit. If he wasn’t born within 10 minutes of her he stands guilty of robbing the cradle.
This isn’t a question to me. You two need to talk about it and agree on a solution. If needed, with the help of a therapist.
You both handled yourself poorly. You have the right to decline the meeting, she has the right to say that this is a non-negotiable term for her to mend your relationship. You can also file for divorce tomorrow or pretend nothing happened today. I’m not sure what you mean by “mending your relationship”. The point is, you need to start talking to each other, agree on where to compromise and where to swallow one’s pride and give in.
If you make it seem like you are relieved and that you have someone lined up, she will change her tune. That said she has someone in mind
Exactly! Context determines everything. If it’s a relative of hers (I’ve got like 20 cousins, most of them are guys, I heart react their stories all the time) or it’s a guy friend of hers posting pics of scenery or his dog or food he’s eating or whatever, then OP is being ridiculous.
If it’s a dude she knows posting thirst traps, then he would be well within his rights to have a conversation with her about it.
But the fact that OP won’t share the context and also jumps immediately to dumping her to prevent cheating rather than having a single conversation makes me think he’s just wildly overreacting and controlling.
We went to therapy for quite a bit after and we both did a lot of growing. For months things were really good. Once he found out about our finances, that’s when things went downhill. He does a lot for our children and me. I was so burnt out from being the one who stayed home. He took that over and has done well. I can tell that he is really growing, but he feels like I’m not.
Sounds like he’s choosing other things over you. You might need to have a serious conversation with him about what both of you want, and if a compromise is possible or if it’s better to break it off.
He's fucking me and tolerating my bad behavior until he gets a better option. That's your opinion we've been fucking for 5 months now. He's a good-looking guy and he makes good money. He has no problem with finding a better option.
I get downvoted when I say it and will no doubt be again, but I stand by my assertion that you can have a wrong or bad emotional reaction and it shouldn't be encouraged to treat it any other way. Feeling betrayed when you haven't been betrayed (in this hypothetical, we don't actually know what OP's wife is thinking or feeling) is a wrong reaction and the person doesn't get a pass for blowing a family because they irrationally feels that way.
Umm the groomsman was trying to steal the gifts? What the actual fuck. Why isn’t he mad at him. This sounds like a whole ass mess and I would seriously debate staying married to someone like this.
I think God has her covered on that one
Absolutely not. What he’s doing is textbook physical abuse.
Well agree to disagree on this one.
It might be “normal”, but I'd argue that the risk of moving in together after a year or so and have a disaster is unacceptably high. Buying a house together, getting married, having kids within a couple of years is nuts to me.
Just one man's opinion.
Your bf is controlling you, if he can't trust you then he should walk not tell you to be home for midnight…….
You on the other hand should leave as you shouldn't be in a relationship until you've sorted your issues out, and if you can't tolerate alcohol, then don't drink. You need to look after yourself, you are prey to all sorts of nutters when you're out of your head pissed
Her BF is pretty trash too. So is A. There's a whole lot of trash people in this situation.
I wouldn't want to know any of them.
Totally wrong OP can prove ownership with documentation vet records photos etc… No sane person is going to get into a legal battle for a cat they have acquired for a few days. OP was gone a few days not months.
OP owned it not husband so yes it’s considered stolen property especially if she paid for everything.
Stop acting like this is rejecting corporate crap and admit it’s because you are a control freak with issues you need to examine. Oh and a need to feel morally superior. Ffs.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Wishing you comfort and room to grieve and heal.
As for your boyfriend, that dude needs his ass kicked. What an utter piece of garbage.
He has shown you exactly who he is and that you cannot count on him in a crisis. This is not a man to build a future with.
Based on her behaviour, I doubt he is lying.
Yikes…this guy is like a giant walking pile of red flags. What adult with healthy emotional regulation gets their ex-wife's name tattooed on them AFTER they divorce? Especially over a green card marriage? There is something seriously off with this dude.
When I was young I had to deal with these kind of girls. She likes this guy man. She is attracted to him. And she brings him to your place. I went through all the pain like you. Now you are stronger. Or will be. The thing you don’t get now is it’s not her. It’s your capacity to love. So don’t waste that capacity on someone how will, and I do mean will, wander again. There are better girls out there. It’s not worth it.
LMAO, we’re married my dude. Do you think a car is the only expense?
Thank you I needed to hear that from someone.
He sounds like a leech. Pushing you to move in with him is wrong. Who wants to bet that he doesn't find a job and OP is going to be stuck supporting him? If he can't understand that you are not ready to move in with him, he is not the right guy for you. Dump him.