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How would you feel if she was like “I'm putting on my headphones, I won't listen to anything you say unless you text it to me”?
You can't ask your bf to cut-off his family, but you sure as Hell can stay away from his brother. Make it very clear that you will not attend events where he's present. He can agree to this, while still supporting you at your events (unless you have an unhinged, unpredictable, sexually and physically violent family member).
I would also ask for more details on his behaviour and crimes. You seem unsure of the details and it's not reasonable that you be exposed to potential danger without knowing the facts. They may want to keep the sister's sexual abuse secret, but you should know everything else.
You should also speak with your bf about the future. If he's not able to deal with your request then how do you navigate marriage? Children? Other life events that will test your relationship and those of in-laws and everyone around you.
Unless he is missing his hands this seems like a non issue. If you’re not in the mood he can go rub one out.
I do, it’s when one of us leaves the room
Therapy.
Or you leave.
Because if she doesn’t get therapy your relationship is going to explode when she finds an abuser to cheat on you with.