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I think you are being unreasonable. You wouldn't want this guy in your house or around your daughter. But telling your BF not to attend a weekly poker night because of the possibility that this guy is there is ridiculous.
Are you afraid he might influence your BF in some unfavorable way? That might be up to some pedo stuff in the future if the two occupy the same room enough times as in a poker night?
Just don’t. Excuse yourself from the situation and please walk away. Things get complicated and if he gets pissed off it could affect your employment and just… it’s so messy.
Also what does seeing he have Grindr have to do with anything? Because you think he’s hooking up with other people and you both agreed to tell each other? Just one more reason to walk away. Don’t tell him you saw anything, it’s not that big of a deal. He isn’t out and it’s his thing to handle and you admit hooking up was already a mistake. Cut your losses and walk away, he never has to know you saw it.
He sounds disgusting! Sounds like he’s using this as an excuse to be hurtful. Or he’s just that stupid.
I once dated a really sexually experienced lady. I was 26 and she was 36. She had three children and was very experienced.
First time we made out she dominated me and when I say her expressions were explosive I mean cubooom type stuff. Mouth open. Eyes rolled back. Licking lips. And she sucked her own nipples. I remember thinking “she’s doing this as an act but it’s good”. Nope… that was her. She was almost animalistic … only lady to make me reach orgasm in about ten seconds with her mouth.
you can always try to rekindle the flame after med school if it doesn’t workout. if you give up your dream, you will start to resent him for it, which may cost you your relationship anyway!
I understand that now. Thank you for your honesty.
Get life insurance Talk to law enforcement as that is attempted murder.
I’m trying to believe that they are just friends bc I wanted to make this work but it’s just been really bothering me lately, don’t know if I’m justified to feel this way.
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nah he disrespected their relationship. at the end of the day, he knew it would hurt her and he probably knew it would make her see him differently, which clearly it has. as humans, we just want exclusivity. having some very hot ass and puss in ur face and literally touching you, is not exclusivity. something i especially wouldn’t accept from a long term bf / fiancé / anyone I take serious.
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I apologize I read up on-line doing research on the tactics he was using to manipulate her and they were all linked to article relating to the grooming of young adult especially women. I thought that was the appropriate term since what he was doing lined up with the articles and they described its a s such.
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You getting mad to the point she just stopped making an issue of it because she figures since you got bad, then maybe you didn't flirt even though there is physical proof.
Gaslighters will literally pull out every move in the book to make the victim feel crazy or feel like the proof isn't good enough even when it is.
I'm not saying you're a gaslighter, but you pulled the angry card.
Clean cheap sheets are much nicer than dirty ass expensive sheets. Also, this is definitely not the recommendation for washing.
Honestly, as the child of parents who had a horribly dysfunctional relationship, get out of there now. Your husband had no problems believing the absolute worst about you, punished you for it, started screwing other women, then found out the truth and now wants everything to be all better. It doesn't work that way. He shattered the marriage, blackened your name & now wants you to be a loving wife again. I think you're not only hurt, but angrier than you realize. You deserve to be furious and it'll come out in time when the hurt and confusion subside. This is a toxic situation you're bringing your child into. The baby doesn't deserve to pay for his father's stupidity. Staying with your husband isn't best for either of you. Never stay with someone who betrayed you. Get out of there ASAP and get a lawyer. A two parent home is NOT necessary for a child if it's a toxic home. Leave now and your child will be the better for it.
And take your husband to the fucking cleaners in the divorce.
I started dating at 15 and ended highschool/college as one of the top performing students. Its all about managing your schedule. You sound intelligent and i doubt it will be an issue for you.
Understand that you dont need to be with your partner 24/7. Study and take time for yourself whenever needed. Keep in contact by texting if you cant spend time together for longer periods of time.
Too long, blablablablabla, just tell the truth and be done with it. TLDR:she cheated and hasn't told his fiance. She says she regrets it, you know the basics. This is either a writing prompt, or she just writes like a 19th-century autor. The way this is worded, I am leaning towards the writing prompt
Imagine you and your SO have a friend group. You and your SO have been together for YEARS at this point, and then they up and cheat on you, and then bring the affair partner into the group, and EVEN THOUGH they took a while to warm up to her, they do, and then (even if I'm secret and not directly to your face) they say/act on how your ex and his affair partner are such a better match! You would be okay with that? You'd be okay with hanging out with those friends who basically applaud your ex for finding his better match “even though he could have handled the breakup better”?
That’s fair. No relationship is perfect and it takes effort on both sides to make it work. It’s good that you’re giving her some time and space. It’s also good that she’s communicating with you. Whatever happens good luck I hope things work out for you
What is LC? Long contact?
Please leat that relationship. He'll continue to do it and you deserve better. You're young and you'll find someone else after you find yourself again.
My husband calls our daughter his “twin,” she likes all of the same snacks so they always buy “Gamer Fuel” and spend hours hanging out. Kicker is, he hates Minecraft…but will play just for her. Recently they started bonding over Pokemon because she showed interest, and now my hubby can spend hours learning about the newest one together and doing “unboxing” parties.
At the end of the day, if he wanted to, he would.
OP, this is the most important thing someone's written so far:
You need to agree with your relationship or it doesn't work.
But in my opinion:
This is an outdated sensibility or one that maybe applies when one person makes enormous amounts of money by comparison to the other (think $500,000 versus $50,000); it stems from an era in which one salary was enough to usually supply a middle class family with a good income – in many areas of the country and with careful financial planning that can still be true, depending on where you on-line and what your job is ($100k goes a lot further in Louisiana than it does in California).
There really is, on it's face, nothing wrong with it. If you chose to go this path, she has to contribute to the household in equal but non-monetary ways. Is she going to cook and clean regularly? If you have kids, will she be doing the majority of the child work? Set boundaries and uphold them if you want it give it a try.
That said, it seems like your beliefs are mismatched and at your ages, they are unlikely to change. You will grow to resent her for “giving your savings up”, and she will grow to resent you if you ask her to contribute equally to the household.
Just tell her, maybe wait until it’s a sealed deal but she can manage her own emotions and stuff. Would t you want her to tell you if she got an offer ?
Jealousy isn't rational a lot of the time but it doesn't mean the feeling isn't real in her mind. You guys work opposite shifts and she's saying the ride to work is “one on one time.” Maybe she just needs more time with you.
If you use some water and some milk in the eggs it makes them fluffier but still have the milk flavor (made with just water they are far more bland) so that helps a lot with the texture! So long as you aren't like my partner who wants his to have a bunch of brown. I think those are super dry but it's how he likes it. So when I'm making us both scrambled eggs I take mine out and keep the rest cooking for him.
Marrying someone you've known since you were both in kindergarten is not the same as hooking up with someone you met when they were a toddler and you were 11.
Uhhh, it wouldn’t be your job to dispose of it. Movers don’t get to make that call without talking to the homeowner.
This should be the top comment.
I am sure more knowledgeable people will leave better advice, but my first thought is that the most important thing is for your bf to see therapist.
Keep in mind that evolutionarily, the bond between a parent and child is the deepest and most primal of all human relationships as a matter of survival. If a child does not have the care of an adult, they literally do not survive. A matter of Life and death. So a child is deeply, deeply, primally driven to do what is needed to please the adults in their life. To maintain a relationship. I can only imagine that being separated from his (assume?) birth family to end up being up for adoption has made that dependence all the worse.
This issue will have a shadow over the rest of his life. One way or another. And the only way to make the best of this sh*t show your bf has been given, is to get the help of a professional. But primally the absolute worst case scenario right now from your bf’s point of view is to loose the “love” he has from her.
You, however, cannot do anything to fix it. The best bet is provide support to your boyfriend, so when he can work on himself, he can focus on becoming stronger. He is so young (you both are!) it is really hot to get an objective point of view.
If he does not already on-line outside his parents’ home, that would be important to focus on. Getting distance between him & his parents would be very helpful. And the same advice would apply to his dad- he needs distance too. Can he & his dad do any outings by themselves? (Though i would not be surprised if the mom does not allow it. Controlling your victims is incredibly important. Can’t let the inmates get together alone outside of her influence & conspire together).
You told her you didn’t want a party and she didn’t listen. While her intentions were good, sobriety can be a very personal thing and she should’ve respected your wishes.
Indeed. I'd explain it to her and go, rather than ghost or something, but she basically drew you a picture of how she's only really been loyal to herself.
Unintended bonus: Pull that band-aid off now and her telling you she's a cheat just saved you some $ on the 14th. Consider it dodging bullets at a bargain.
Break up with him, immediately. This is a classic case of an older man dating a young woman hoping they will be able to control her, and getting pissy when it fails. He should be dating women his own age, but he's less mature than most of them so he dates you.
And you should be dating different sorts of people, too. People your own age. People with normal sensitivity about the grieving process. People who don't yell at you and badger you about imagined cheating.
This is why I rarely go with my husband to his friends during football season. I'm not a football fan. He is, his friends are, and I get bored. I'll see ya when you get home babe.
It is an amazing comment as it’s just made me realise that 12 years of my partner not wanting to get married is the reason I feel so insecure in my own relationship. Wow … OP you’ve got some thinking to do!
No, she shouldn’t be eating the same amount as you. But I doubt the problem is her eating healthy food in portions that are too big. Do you buy snacks a lot? Do you guys drink sugary drinks? About her developing an ED, you said she acknowledged that she needs to lose weight right? If she really is overweight and willing to work on it a discussion on eating habits should be fine. Just frame it in a ‘how can we do this together’ way instead of ‘here’s what you have to do’.
Leave her be. Your love is conditional. And please never ever tell her why, because that would be an extra arrow through the heart and self-esteem.
Go and find your perfect skinny girl and hope she never gains weight, gets ill and she remains the perfect aesthetic for you forever. And also hope that someone else doesn’t find the same failings in your body as you age. Attraction is needed but a great partner is not just about the wrapping, it’s the whole package. It’s pretty rare and you almost had it and something must have been there at the start but I’d say please don’t open old wounds just to dump her again because she’s not your preferred dress size.
He’s 25 and acts like he’s in high school. Nah I would pass on that. I’m old enough to be his mother. I don’t like the age gap myself but if he makes you happy then I don’t see what the big deal is.
I agree the age difference isn’t much years wise but experience wise that age difference is huge. I usually like my partners to be younger than me but I’m 46. The age difference at my age isn’t much. Btw I’m 46 my partner is 39.
You won’t make him see because he doesn’t care about what you think or how you feel. Your questions to him is perfectly valid, his expectations are not. Do yourself a favor and remove yourself from this toxic situation.
I’m a 52 year-old man, faithfully married to my wife for 25 years. We started dating when I was 20. We have three kids. My son is older than your BF. I think I know. A little more about what respect in a relationship looks like than your BF.
Your BF is being controlling, manipulative, hypocritical and abusive. You deserve to be with someone who respects you, doesn’t constantly threaten you, and doesn’t make demands he won’t himself follow. It isn’t the rest of the world that has a problem here.
It’s perfectly appropriate for your GF to have this timeline. She’s not odd for having one or communicating her intentions.
Let her know what YOUR timeline is for these milestones. And don’t say you don’t have one. You do. You just said 5 years or more.
If you decide your timelines don’t match up, that’s perfectly fine. Break up. You both need to find people who match what your timelines are. Otherwise, you’ll both be miserable. I’m
Simple….just don't explain it at all. Tell them you're sorry their SO doesn't care about them enough to sing to them and walk away
Sorry but she was thinking things.
Cool story bro, needs more urine dragons.
Unconditional love is a lie. I hate that term. The closest thing to unconditional love is probably a parent to their child.
weight fluctuations throughout life are normal, he needs to be more specific with what he means. Does he mean that if you gain 5kg that he is going to be turned off? or 50kg? There is a huge difference. A better comment would be “I dont think I would be as attracted to you if you were not at a healthy weight” which is a fair comment and also includes things like pregnancy into that calculation. Bold mean blunt statements like his can be hurtful. I suggest you communicate with him clearly on the matter.
Arguing in the sense of reasoning out somewhat opposing ideas, I didn't read it as hostile either but it is an argument in so far as there's a debate over this idea
She may think it’s good news!
“Pornographic” is subjective. To some people, this would mean pictures of her using a sex toy on herself. To others, anything showing nudity and/or suggestive is pornographic. We would need clarification on what made these pictures pornographic.
Know what happens with a good man who doesn't view his dick and his deck as the same thing? They get all excited that this mile long list of shit to do is done. Just sayin…
Relationships drift apart. The fact that it's only a couple of them in your case is amazing, for majority of people your age they have maybe one or two friends left.
What if it was only hundreds of thousands stashed jj thanks for the feed back.
but at 40 it’s tough
no, it's exactly the same
Thanks for the good advice!
Call her bluff next time she threatens you she'll leave. Just say “ok”.
Even before Edit 2, I was going to say 'STOP contacting him.'
This is for you but also everyone: JUST because you opt to date or couple up with someone, doesn't mean you are stuck with or responsible for them forever. It was an OPTION for you to date them, it is an OPTION for you to not. He makes you unhappy. Hell, he makes HIMSELF unhappy. (no one on Reddit would like him much either). You have every right to NOT be around him at all. Here is a kicker: he could be wonderful 24/7 and you would have also the right to dump him. You signed no contract.
Wow. Please break up with this guy. He is a horrible person and so are all his friends.
He is not worth hanging on to. He's not only non-apologetic, but he's accusing you of not being 'fun' enough while you're literally the 'butt of their joke.'
You're not alone to think that this was a mortifying experience you had. I'm so sorry you had to go through what you have gone through.
If you're living together, and the lease is under your name, you should let him know via text that he will have 30 days to leave the premise and that to pack his bags after he gets to your place.
Genuine question, how old are you? I don't wanna be mean to a minor
Thank you for learning how to be a doctor. Really. Thank you for that.
You don't have time for his insecurities. He wants to put you in the same box his grandfathers did, but that's all gone now.
Do your residency, learn your thing, save us people. Lose this drag on your progress. It'll just make things easier!
“I can complain about my abusive boyfriend on the internet but I won’t leave him because I like attention.”
I did try getting help. Did not work at all. She is about to turn 20 in a month as well. The age gap was never a problem for us or either our parents. We did have that talk before anything, but it never became a problem.
Thanks for replying.
We don't have the child at all currently. It's a situation where the child lives with her grandparents and parents are going to try to transition her into their homes, of which is a new scenario. My boyfriend sees her once a week and I'm around her occasionally but not often. Of note, she is 11. With that being said, I do literally no childcare so it would be a pretty dramatic change, if this is what occurs.
Ashamed to say it, but I snooped tonight. He asked me a question about her yesterday that made me anxious… which is how I came to learn all this information. Not the best look, as trust is obviously an issue.
This is stupid and she’s too old to be playing these childish games. If she’s mad, let her be mad and tell her you’re ready to have an adult conversation when she’s ready.
If you two were married and she made a unilateral decision to spend all of your money on anything without consulting you, that’s a major issue. I don’t know if it’s divorce worthy, but I would certainly have completely separate finances after that. Being married takes maturity and there’s nothing mature about blowing all the money, no matter what it’s for, without it being a joint decision.
You’re right to consider this a red flag.
What is wrong with you? Seriously. Why are you interested in staying with your wife, who “despises” an 8 year old little girl? Doesn’t what that reveals about your wife’s character make you want to leave? Why would you want to stay with a monster, not to mention you OWE it to your daughter, who has already obviously not won the parent lottery, to protect her and give her a safe place to recover from the trauma she has already suffered with her bio mom. You OWE her that, dammit.
Tell her to fight for your attention, not random dudes at a bar like what? Why would she even need that validation, she has you
Go to couples therapy and work it out.
He lied to you. “I found out he was watching trans porn, but when I asked him if this is what he wanted physically he said “no”, “it's just a fantasy”. Same when I found an escort site on his phone that he denied he would ever pay for sex and was just “looking and laughing”'. How can you believe anything else he says about what happened in that hotel room?
This is very hot, but you have to respect yourself. If you let this go, he will do it again.
He lied to you. “I found out he was watching trans porn, but when I asked him if this is what he wanted physically he said “no”, “it's just a fantasy”. Same when I found an escort site on his phone that he denied he would ever pay for sex and was just “looking and laughing”'. How can you believe anything else he says about what happened in that hotel room?
This is very hot, but you have to respect yourself. If you let this go, he will do it again.
nb. I'm sorry if you feel my comment is harsh. I'm just struggling to empathise with you when you supposedly loved and cared for your girlfriend for around 3 years and you can't wait 15/20 days to break up with her.
Also, if you were not interested in your relationship for the last few months I wonder why you didn't end it then? It seems that now someone new and shiny has caught your eye you're in a race to end your relationship and be with this new person.
You should end relationships because they aren't working, you shouldn't stay in them until you meet someone new and because of this I don't believe that immediately after breaking up with her that you wouldn't be parading a new relationship around town or on social media like days after ending a 3 year long relationship. If you cannot afford to give your girlfriend, (who, not long ago you loved and respected) any love and respect to wait more than 15 days before pursuing something else then I don't really have much respect for you and I think you are playing fast and loose with people's emotions.
If it wasn't working for you months ago, then you should have ended it before you even met someone new.
Don't worry she'll be obviously wasting (more) of her time.
Sure I get that. I'm not saying there is any reason to believe it will escalate to cheating. It's just that she's breaking your rules and it's hurtful, and that's a problem.
To simplify, she either 1) is unable to control her actions, 2) does not realize she is hurting you, 3) does not care about hurting you or 4) feels justified hurting you, potentially because she does not agree to these rules or is not committed to them and has not communicated that to you.
In case of 1 or 3 I'd recommend breaking up. Because it might be 2, I recommend talking to her and explaining it, showing it to be repeating issue. Because of 4 I recommend talking to her and making sure she has pathways to communicate to you if there is a rule she does not agree with or is not committed to.
So again, talk to her, communicate your feelings, reaffirm both of your commitments to current rules and agree on what you do to change rules if either of you wants to do so.
He can keep it together long enough for you sign another lease for another year.
He must not be able to work if his OCD is that severe? He’s on disability? Sees doctors and has tried medications?