We (28M) am caught between my wife (33F) and mom (42F) on grandchild entry
My spouse (33F) and I (28M) happen to be married for 2 years and are expecting our first child in August. My wife and mom (42F) have always had a polite but relatively distant relationship since they were introduced. (Mom' s age group is not a typo; the lady had a very difficult childhood and had me when she had been 14. ) Although We wish they had a hotter relationship, I understand that not all of in-laws become close and didn' t want to force anything, especially as we live about 1000 miles through Mom and I am still able to have my own relationship with her. I thought that the main issue is the fact that my wife and mom are usually fairly close in age group which made things a bit awkward (my wife experienced previously just said that they “didn' t click” or that she felt awkward around my mom).
In spite of having me so younger, my mom has been a wonderful (single) parent. I know that the origins are unfortunately the effect of abuse from an older individual but that when she had been pregnant, a friend' t parents took us within, which allowed her to finish high school and then attend college. Once she finished university she was able to get a good job as a financial analyst and we moved to our own place, and after that she was just like some other mom if a bit younger. Our home was usually warm and loving. I actually provide this as history info to confirm that my friend did engage in any poisonous or hurtful behavior.
The one issue my mom had was that, because she was focused on trying to figure out how to support and raise me, she did not really deal with the effects of the abuse she suffered. She did not use “substances” but did develop a food dependancy and became super morbidly obese (close to five hundred pounds by the time she was in her mid-30s). I was within college by this time; while i was a kid she progressively got heavier but We don' t remember that it negatively impacted my childhood. The girl addiction was more of a private thing and she did prepare healthy, balanced meals plus encouraged me to stay active and play sports. I did not and have never had a weight problem myself.
When she hit her higher weight, Mom realized she needed help and finally got the therapy needed to address her trauma. She lost 200+ pounds over the next few years and has gradually lost more weight since then, and even used hiking and walking marathons. Now she is about 225 pounds which is still “obese” but not morbidly so. She is 5' 10″ which means she is officially about 50 pounds overweight but her medical and therapy team think she is in a great place from where she has been.
My wife is incredibly anti-fat because her father was overweight and passed away of a heart attack when the girl was 12. And now that my spouse is pregnant, she is stating she does not want the child to have any partnership with my mom, unless my friend loses weight down to a BMI of 25 or less. She says that when something happens to my mom due to her weight it will be as well traumatic, plus she is concerned our child will be exposed to an unhealthy lifestyle. I understand my wife' s fears yet I think this is very unfair to a mom, because (a) my mom' s medical team doesn' t recommend excess weight loss (and especially would not recommend trying to crash diet plan and lose 50 lbs in 6-7 months to meet my wife' s requirement), and (b) my mom does maintain a healthy and energetic lifestyle as evidenced by her 275-pound weight loss that she has maintained for some yrs now.
My wife isn' t budging and I don' t want to put tension on her and argue with her while she is pregnant (she is having a horrible period with morning sickness), yet I know my mom will be heartbroken if she doesn' big t get to have a relationship with her grandchild. How should I kind this out?
TLDR: The pregnant wife doesn' capital t want my mom to have a connection with our child because my mom is overweight and my partner is afraid that either my mom will die younger and traumatize our child or that my mom might be a bad influence. I think this is unfair because my mom has lost over 200 lbs even if she still continues to be somewhat overweight and she has a healthy and active lifestyle. I would love some suggestions about how to sort through the priorities here.
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