Our (34m) wife (39f) believes I only ever found her attractive and the now I’ve told the truth jooxie is at breaking point

I don' t know who to show to with this. We share friends and I can' big t speak to my family because it will damage my wife' ersus relationship with them if I do. So I come to you, Reddit…

Earlier in our relationship, I had really low self esteem and anxiety. My spouse had insecurity and rely on issues because she has been hurt in the past. We had a number of big arguments towards the starting that often ended in objects being thrown and damaged, me having water poured on me in bed, or even generally exchanging horrible phrases until the early hours. Two particular arguments that occurred early on (around 15 years ago) are key in order to what' s happened today. One is that, while at the bar with a friend, I actually admitted to finding a celebrity attractive. My wife was very annoyed by this and it has been brought up repeatedly. As time went on, I began to say that I didn' t actually mean it that way and while, I think, it was understood which i did it was forgotten (or at least in the background) with years that passed. The second is that I told my wife I could find people objectively appealing. This was abhorrent to her then one of our worst ever quarrels. I had never been in rupture like this before so had been left genuinely traumatised with the verbal and physical repercussion to this revelation. To save myself and our relationship, We said that I didn' t in fact find other people appealing, that I only had eyes for her, and as time exceeded she would bring it up and I would repeat this to keep items smooth.

Around the time of these types of arguments, I broke this off with her. She was a mess. I lastly agreed to talk and I told her my concerns about her insecurities and how they were influencing me. She understood and said things would be various if we got back together. These were, somewhat…

We are very happy together for the majority of the time. We have had big clashes and they are generally based around the themes I' ve outlined but , otherwise, we have a great relationship. I have never been unfaithful and wouldn' t dream of doing this. I love her and we are best friends.

That said, this has always been with the proviso that I respond a certain way or stick to certain rules. As mentioned, I have held the party range that I do not find anyone else even objectively attractive. We watch porn in secret occasionally but have continually insisted that I don' capital t. I don' t watch television or films that have plenty of nudity. I don' t speak too favourably of other females. I don' t have any feminine friends that aren' big t also hers. I don' t go out to a club with friends without her. There are more, but you obtain the idea.

I have always justified the above by saying that all of the marriages, to work, need bargain. All marriages have complications. I love her and I make it work so I were willing to sacrifice parts of my life for that. That said, I have continually known that I am laying to her about my own sexuality and this has caused me a lot of stress.

Recently I possess learnt to have more self-esteem. I am growing as a individual. I realise that I can' t go on lying in order to anyone, especially my wife.

I am a big movie buff. A week ago, I started watching a film while she was over the couch with me. In the initial ten minutes there was a topless woman. I cringed internally knowing my wife would be feeling irate and, sure enough, she stood up plus stormed out. I turned the film off. All of us spoke and she said the lady was disappointed that I would like to watch a film like that. I actually finished watching it the next day (because I really wanted to find it! ) and admitted this to her which caused the largest argument we have had in a long time. She said We disappointed her because she didn' t think I used to be ' that kind of man'. I said that I wasn' t watching it for this reason, that it was a classic film, and that it didn' t continue in the same vein. We all eventually agreed this conflict happened due to a communication breakdown. I ought to have reassured her and she should have spoken to me rather than walking away. Afterwards, she said that she has always felt like she' s holding myself back and it is selfish to keep me to herself. The girl said that she feels like a broken dog at the pound nobody would want. This hurt me. She has been saying comparable since then and feels like she is going to lose me.

She talked about in the past week that the lady told a male friend about how I used to find this particular celebrity (mentioned above) attractive and they have been bringing it up a lot to her (not sure why). She asked myself yesterday ' why did you find them attractive? ' I said that I didn' t and never did, attempting to avoid a fight yet knowing she knew much better. She told me to stop lying down so I said that, yes, I did so find them attractive and she understood that at the time. We spent the rest of the evening apart. During sex, the conversation continued, and am beat around the bush a great deal, finding myself scared to speak the plain reality but , ultimately, I declared that I do and can find individuals objectively attractive, that everyone does, and that I' mirielle sure she does as well and that' s okay. I said I still only have eyes for her in that way and that I love her and nothing will change that. She said that I have lied to her (which I have in this regard), the trust we built the relationship on has been damaged, and that she doesn' capital t even know me.

I feel terrible and at a reduction. We are due to be taking place holiday this week but I said I doubt which will happen and that we need to spend some time apart (this was not fulfilled favourably). I need to get me straight because I don' t know what to think or even feel. I realise I got wronged her by laying to her all this time once i thought I was doing the smartest thing for our relationship. The last thing We ever wanted to do was to break her trust because it was so naked to develop. If I' d developed a pair sooner and stood my ground maybe the connection wouldn' t have carried on but at least I wouldn' t have deceived someone. This is a hot lesson I had learned.

I don' t know where we proceed from here. Do I open up fully and be completely honest at the risk of hurting her further? Do we break it off? So much of me wants things back again how they were so we can embark upon holiday and enjoy it… I actually don' t want to get rid of her but I don' t want to feel like I must lie or be controlled anymore.

Sorry for the long post, Reddit, but Personally i think utterly alone. Thank you for looking over this if you have.

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