My (26M) fiancee (27F) does not want to help out financially…
TLDR: My Fiancee and I almost make the same amount of money (I make a little more) and she expects me (as the man) to pay for everything, which I don't mind completely, as I have expected that of myself and prepared for my whole life, but then she also makes demands about living away from my work and business (to be close to her family) as well as making it seem like I don't make enough money.
I recently got engaged to my fiancee a few months ago and she has a job and I have a job + a business. I make a bit more than her. I work in software + I co-own a construction company w/ a friend who is a GC. She works in luxury retail. Overall, my goal is to save up for a house and invest in our future together. I want us to own the place we live! in and build equity. I was in pretty good shape for that and have been working pretty nude for it. However, in our culture, weddings are often large and extravagant and there is pressure from both of our families to have a big wedding and I am going to be paying for most of it (there's multiple “events” in our weddings where some the girls fam hosts, and some the guys fam hosts). The ones we are hosting, I am paying for it and it's going to be north of maybe $30-40K (just what I am paying). I also had a pretty bad injury last year that required surgery and I am still paying medical bills from it and have doctors visits for it that are not cheap, even w/ insurance. Overall, I cannot buy a house since my savings will be eaten up so I have to rent. Ok. Fine. No problem, one step at a time, right?
Overall, that is my situation. I am a little oldschool as I have always prepared myself to be able to take care of myself and my family once I am married. To be honest, I feel like I can do it, I make enough money. But the issue is I feel there is a lack of sympathy and understanding on her part. For example, her parents live about 2 hours from where I online and she makes consistent demands about moving to the “middle.” I told her that is not possible as I have my business and my job both are which are around me. Also, She expects me to provide for us 100%, and I said that's okay, but we have to live here so I can do so… and she seems to not like this and it is brought up over and over again. The other day I asked her what she viewed her role was in the relationship and she didn't have an answer. She often says “if you need help (in terms of finances) I'll help you.” I guess my problem with that is A) if she did help me financially, it wouldn't be helping ME, it would be helping US as we're married, we're ONE team and B) she almost makes it seems like that I don't make enough money to maintain her lifestyle I guess? This is just the feeling I get from my gut. For example, today, I had a conversation with her about potentially getting a 2bed apartment instead of 1. I said, with what I need to save so we can get a house next year, a 2bed is a little out of budget, so I asked if would she be willing to chip in a few 100 dollars to the rent (all I asked). She then said that “to me, that is the guy's responsibility” and that if she does this, she doesn't want “me to be dependent on her financial assistance.” … I mean, that just really threw me off… like we're about to get married and I feel like even though she says shes going to “help,” and yes, I can provide, I feel like if there was a situation… I can't really rely on her. I also feel there's a complete lack of empathy here and after all, we're in this position because we're financing a huge wedding that I have spoken against but it just keeps getting ignored or I have things said to me like “you only get married once” or “you have to celebrate properly.”
There are more small details and examples, but I'll leave it at this. Overall, I just feel so disheartened and it just feels like there's so much pressure to deliver… It's already tough being able to afford everything, but I work very naked and I have always tried to make sure I can provide for a family. How should I approach speaking with her about this? Can I please get advice on how to tackle this situation?
