My (23F) Boyfriend (24M) Is Terrified of Having Sex With Me and I Don’t Know Why, Or How to Bring It Up. (UPDATE)
Before we get into the update, I want to answer a few questions.
Why did you let him move in? Because his rent was going up by like 250 dollars a month at the end of last year, he would be locked in a 6-month contract, and I own my apartment. I'm giving him a 50% discount on his old rate because of a “Boyfriend discount” I made up. He wanted to pay me the full amount, but I refused and he decided to do most of the chores around the house, so it's fine. So far no problems. Why did you never talk about sex before? I just felt super awkward talking about it so clinically, and as one of the commenters mentioned, I wanted sex to happen organically, not because I pestered him into doing it.
Now onto the update itself!
I started off with an apology about what I did on Saturday again, and he waved it off just like last time, saying that I was drunk and it was just a shock. I still don't believe it was sexual assault like most of you say, and more of me reading the situation wrong, but it was wrong of me to do it when I knew he didn't want to take it any further than kissing.
Then I started to poke into why he doesn't want to have sex with me, and like one of the commenters said, I made it more gentle. I said it almost word for word what LordBeeWood said and his response broke my heart. Fortunately, it isn't because he's gay, asexual, a virgin, or has a micro-penis.
He started off by going quiet, and it took a little more probing before he asked me not to laugh, and I feared it was the micro-penis, but it was far worse. This man was SAed twice, once as a teenager by a teacher (Which would also be pedophila), and once a few years ago at a party. And both times, no one really took him seriously and some of them fucking congratulated him on getting with the women. He tried to go to the cops the first time, and they made his life so much of a living hell that his family moved towns.
And the second SA was almost just as bad. My boyfriend is a 6'2, somewhat fit, and very attractive man, so the girl who SAed him at a party basically blackmailed him into having sex with her by saying that she would scream rape, and no one would believe it was him who's innocent.
And because no one other than his parents really took the events seriously, he thought that I would laugh at him too. Obviously I didn't, and at this point he was kind of crying, so I just hugged him and we sat there like that for a while. Honestly, the only reason I reacted so calmly was because after reading the comments I prepared myself for him to say he got SAed. Thanks for that, because I probably would have panicked and ruined my relationship otherwise. I apologized again, now that I knew his history, and he said that it brought back memories, and that's why he reacted like that. Now I feel horrible, and he doesn't seem to hold a grudge, but I'm still going to do something really nice for him. He always wanted to go to skiing, so maybe I could book a weekend at a nearby mountain the next time he's free.
I asked if he was open to having sex with me, and he said that he's been trying ever since he moved in, but he was also terrified that he would have like a breakdown or something, and that's why he's been giving mixed signals. Every time we sleep together, he wants to do more than just sleep, but he's just been afraid. I said that I was willing to wait however long it took, and suggested therapy, but therapist waitlists here are really long, especially for the ones we found who deal with trauma, so I don't know how long that would take.
We both promised to actually talk to each other, and I also reassured him that I would always take any problems he has seriously and not laugh, even if he thinks it's shameful. Things are looking up!
He wants to have sex with me, and we're going to take it slow for now to sort of ease him into it, so maybe I'll set up something romantic this weekend and woo him.
I cooked him some of his favorite food for dinner, and now he isn't tensing up when I touch him, so baby steps 🙂
Anyway, thank you guys for the advice, because while I was worrying about the micro-penis or gay thing, sexual assault never actually crossed my mind, so thanks for the help.
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TLDR: It was trauma, and we're working through it now
