I’m uncomfortable with a person within my partners band

Hi – Dont really know if this is the proper place for this or not, sorry in advance if it isn’t.

My (f32) partner (m31) recently became a member of a band, and had their first practice on Monday. When he got home and told me who the female singer was, I was quite uncomfortable, and ultimately ended up upset about it.

A bit of history: This person (female singer) and I don’t have a big private history of interacting, but she’s caused havoc in my existence on a couple occasions as well as for several people I know, in the same way. Years ago, this person slept with my serious senior high school boyfriend, causing us to break up. (Her retort to my confrontation back then was that I ought to have kept a better eyes on him. ) Fast forward several years later. I had been married (to someone else), and had just had my first child. This exact same person slept with our (now ex) husband. Yes, he was toxic, yet that is a story for a different post.

It has been several years since, and I have been with my partner for over nine years now. We have two young children of our own (I am a SAH mom), we are generally happy, plus rarely have any troubles between us. But now, the first time ever, I find myself shamefully asking him not to do something: not to be a part of this band. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, and it just seems wrong. I support our partner in everything he or she does, but I don’t seem like I can truly do that with this particular.

He says I am holding on to the past, and actually caught me personally off guard by informing me to “take it to Reddit” to get help and advice (so here I am), he would listen to a bunch of other people over me. He believes I am being ridiculous within letting it bother me. It isn’t really that I don’t trust your pet, it’s that it makes me uncomfortable. I find me asking myself things like: am i able to be happy for our partner supporting someone who was part of causing me a lot heartache, even if it was several years ago? I just can’t seem to convince myself to say yes, I could do that.

I’m uncomfortable because I would never be able to proceed support his band playing anywhere, because I wouldn’t be able to convince myself to be around this girl. I’m unpleasant with the fact that she offered my partner a hug after practice, fully aware that I am his partner, and of what she has done in earlier times (she told him that she knew me). I am uncomfortable thinking about him spending 3 hours per practice with her, working on the dream/project together. I’m quite uncomfortable that he doesn’t seem to get why I do believe it is an uncomfortable enough situation that I’ve asked him to reconsider joining this particular music group.

I feel like this is becoming an extremely big issue between us, and I don’t know how to move forward. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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