40F, 40M. Husband has been obsessed with another woman for two decades, and is secretly thinking about divorcing me.
Edit: So if my husband views this… How about you function as the one to bring it up? How about for once you communicate freely and honestly? Just inquisitive if you even can.
So I have recently encounter my husband' s account on here. I' ve felt for a loooong time there' s been something off in our relationship. Certainly not able to put a precise finger on it, (largely because if their non-communicativeness, and resistance to any kind of real heart to heart) and also, I do struggle with depressive disorders which I know distorts your own perception. I have rationalized to myself for years, “if he doesn' t love me personally he' d have left chances are, I must be imagining factors it' s just the depression talking”
Well, now I' ve found their account and I finally have the real answers he has never been willing to provide in the entire 20+ years we' ve been together. He' s been posting on the reddit about “limerence” regarding his feelings for another woman, but there' s a lot more than even just that.
The woman is someone this individual briefly dated in the summer he was 19. We started dating soon after she finished their relationship, but We now learned there were occasions he still carried on a fling with her while we were together. They' d furthermore kept in touch periodically on social media since social media grew to become a thing. That is, until just last month, when evidently he confessed all their feelings to her. After 20 fucking years he left that on her out of the blue. She was freaked out because they' d mainly discussed work and he was in no way more than a casual acquaintence to her, who woulda thought. The girl told him off regarding involving her in his one-sided emotional affair, (he' g even complained about me personally to her), and clogged him.
Since that (which NOW I know why he' s been even more remote than usual which is stating something), he' s already been obsessively writing on the limerence reddit to the point of considering things she posts on the page for her business are “indirect” veiled messages in order to him, and also reddits about divorce. That' s the 2nd huge blow I' mirielle dealing with. He is just eager to get rid of me and the just reasons he hasn' to are his faith, not wanting to lose our children, and exactly how expensive it would be for him according to the divorce lawyer he apparently had a secret assessment with.
But let' s look at reality right now: meanwhile I have tried for years to get him to connect better, be closer with each other, because he always seemed to hold himself at a distance. I gave up after years of trying, this individual never changed and I understood he didn' t treatment enough to. So I' ve stopped caring too. I do my own thing, or sometimes try to get him involved to which I' m quickly reminded why We gave up. He' ll have very brief periods right after an argument of being more loving to give me hope that never lasts. He has in no way cared to support me psychologically, reading him writing about just how cripplingly depressed he is more than this bullshit when they have blown off my clinical depression as lazyness for YEARS was really the cherry at the top. His comment history is also full of passive-aggressive comments about things I do that make this a “crap marriage” designed for him (ranging from being on my phone to hanging out with friends and family) and I' m exactly like.. how else should I spend my time when not working or doing stuff with the kids, when my own spouse has no interest in doing SOMETHING other couples do together?? I didn' t begin doing those things to the degree I do now until I gave up on him to be the romantic partner I thought I was maybe unfairly wanting him to be. I eventually believed this is simply the type of individual he is, some people are more reserved and unromantic, as their wife I need to accept your pet. I' m a big girl, I can occupy my time in ways that don' t depend on him. But now? To find out every thing its actually because he continues to be pining over someone this individual dated for a couple several weeks at 19? Chose to rather string me along, get married to me, have two children with me, countless other living events, then puts the blame for our lack of good time and intimacy on MYSELF all while HE' S the one dreaming of someone else plus avoiding reality every single day??? Precisely why would someone do this? It doesn’t make any sense. He never loved me. I am nothing more than a 20 year long failed come back.
I can' to express how emotional plus obsessive he is when he' s writing about this… he has never shown an suspicion of real passion with me, at least not since our very early relationship. He is stoic and irritable plus closed off and his post-argument attempts at bonding are painfully hollow. I’ve wondered almost the whole relationship precisely why this is lacking, wondering when I’m the problem, if our expectations were too “disney fairytale” or something. In order to found out he DOES have deeply real feelings and they are every reserved for someone he hasn' t even observed in real life since half his lifetime ago, who he or she was still seeing right after getting together with me, is, properly like I said I actually probably knew deep in my gut he wasn' to invested in me but wow my god. I just never imagined something like THIS. At most I wondered about him not being in love with me anymore or at worst, some “normal” affair as with a coworker or online dating apps. Not a secret unreciprocated obsession spanning 20 years that' s completely in his own head!! I' m devastated but also almost scared in some manner I don' t know why. He has a whole folder of photos of her that he looks at every day. There' s pages and webpages of his reddit history. Who does that? I feel like I married a stranger. Between this and his general reluctance to really open up about pretty much anything personal.. do I ever actually know him?
Here is the crux of my problem now that I realize all of this: Do you even trouble talking to someone who kept this type of secrets for this amount of time? So what can talking accomplish? Will it create him get over whatever his problem is? Will it make him love me? Is there any kind of realistic, plausible outcome that will make it ACTUALLY worth our time and energy to have a conversation prior to “jumping to divorce”? Make sure you tell me if so and I' m happy to hear you out. But I' ve ignored my gut meant for too long and it' s i9000 telling me no . Can I simply tell him, “I saw your reddit posts. Let' h get the divorce you want. “? Would that be unjust to our children to not provide us an opportunity to work it out? He' ll state he' s “sacrificed everything” for us. Would it be unfair to him? Seeing the particular sheer victim/martyr complex in his posts, both about the lady and with how he blames me acting like I' ve constantly wronged your pet in our marriage, what if We plain don' t wish to deal with trying to break through that delusion in order to possess a chance at being recognized.
I am thoroughly embarrassed, in shock, and at the same time feel like I can finally… finally… let go for good? The gaping void between us is clear as day, and I finally see it was not because of me personally. That failure wasn' big t because I just hadn' t managed yet to say the suitable things that would reach some thing inside of him and inspire a stronger connection in between us. And it certainly wasn' t because I' m “on my phone. inch It was always because of your pet, from the very beginning.
What if We don' t want to ask any questions or discuss a single thing with him? Imagine if I just want to be free.
TL; DR: my husband' t chronic emotional absence is really because he is still consumed along with feelings for someone this individual dated 20 years ago. What the fuck to do.
