Call cps and get out of the situation. CPS will have a field day with the family allowing him near their children but also, he’s a child predator. Surely he won’t be allowed to reside in a household children go to or even on-line in?
So it seems like there are two options here. Stay or leave. What are the positives to staying? Is it worth it? Is he worth what you give up inside? What are the negatives? Can you manage those negatives?
So what if you go? What are those positives and negatives? Only you know these answers. Trust your gut on them.
My husband had incorrect subject verb agreement, for instance saying “It don't matter” instead of “it doesn't matter.” For a while I tried to correct him. But eventually I decided it don't matter at all! I love him and his ways and he can talk anyway he wants to.
I suggest you just get used to it and accept it. If you can't, maybe you are being too shallow. Look at it this way, if that's his worst mistake, you landed a good one!
When I got married it was a gorgeous “lodge” aka there was a bedroom upstairs and downstairs was one big space and my closest friends spent the night. At the end of the night while we were all drinking and having fun. My DJ ended up staying 2 extra hours and setting up karaoke but after we were still having fun
We played truth or dare but there were no sexual things. My husband will never let me forget I licked the floor haha. That’s how “risky” our game was. I don’t get how an adult would be ok with doing this even if they were single.
While this is ture, but most redditors like to explain her emotion part but completely neglect OP's feeling. That's why it feels like they're justifying her actions.
I only assumed he wanted to talk it over and get back together because that’s what he told me. He told me he understood why I did the things I did and that he agrees with the fact that he wasn’t present and it would’ve made me feel lonely and unattached. I’m not saying what I did was right in any way because I feel guilty and disgusted with my own actions but again, he should’ve been the bigger person and remained honest about his intentions. It shows me he didn’t respect me just as much as I didn’t respect him.
Never underestimate the twin powers of momentum and poor executive function.
2 years really isn't that long. 2 years ago was 2021. I brush daily and have had toothpaste tubes last longer than that.
To wit: My parents took a decade between deciding the marriage was never going to work and finalizing their divorce. They lived in separate parts of the US (Mid-Atlantic v Northern Mid West) had mostly separate finances, and relatively busy lives. Technically, there were affairs, as they started dating around year 8 or so, but it was just unfinished paperwork at that point. (My brother and I were in our 20s when the divorce became final.)
Later, when my father moved back to the Mid Atlantic, they went on double dates, occasionally went square dancing together, were at each other's second weddings, my father sat with family at my step-father's funeral, and my mother did likewise when my father died.
Less dramatic, but it took my ex Fiance and I over 2 years of momentum to break up. She ended up Best Dame when I got married several years later, and I was one of the 10 people at hers (the 3 surviving parents, one of whom was the celebrant, 2 siblings, me, another friend, and a teddy bear).
If this person is the love of your life, then let them be the love of your life. Nothing can change that. You don't have to tell them, you don't have to marry them, you don't have to do anything other than let them be the love of your life
No, honey. You made it clear that you believe that to be the case. But your belief is not the same thing as fact, and this anecdote does not prove what you think it proves
They were a couple before you showed up. You obviously started out as the gap-filler. Being more than that was bound to take time, and it seems you're not out of that stage yet. The question is, Are you getting enough satisfaction from this relationship to stick with it? Nobody but you knows the answer.
Treat them like petulant toddlers. Put them in a time out when they do this next time.
So next time they do it (and there will be a next time), they get one warning, after which you walk out of the door. Doesn't matter if it's in the middle of dinner. Doesn't matter if they have other guests. Just get up and leave, but also telling them (especially if they have other guests) why you're leaving. Don't get emotional about it. Just something like: “we talked about this. If you can't manage one evening without insulting me, I am leaving.”
Make sure your partner is on board and supportive. Your parents need to see a united front from both of you. If you're partner isn't supportive, well, that's a whole separate issue to deal with.
Then cut off contact with them for a period of time – long enough that they notice – say a month for the first offence, then see if things improve. If not, next time it's two months, rinse and repeat.
And ultimately, if they can't learn to be decent, civilised people, at least in your presence, then think carefully about whether you want them in your lives at all.
I know they're our parents and it's damned hard to cut them out completely, but sometimes, that is genuinely the best thing we can do for our own mental health.
So your ex waited until he was in a stable relationship, financially secure, and is now actively trying for a baby with his wife, but you somehow think you have the moral high ground here because you told your daughter as soon as you got randomly pregnant?
By that logic, your ex doesn't have anything to o tell your daughter yet, because his wife isn't pregnant yet.
i already apologized for my wrong doings and admitted i was wrong. i am committed to changing but they just keep on slandering me. don't you think it's a little to much?
The dude's 20, he just doesn't know how to maturely act to an upsetting situation. I think it's a bit much to call him an asshole because he said she looks like an idiot, in the grand scheme of things that's a pretty tame insult compared to your average 20 year old.
I can see why you might think it’s gross that a 30-year-old was with a teenager. Unfortunately, you’ll get a lot of comments from certain men saying it’s perfectly fine. I honestly would feel pretty grossed out if I found this out too. It’s not like it’s been years or some thing. It just shows weird judgment.
You don’t deserve this. You don’t have to put up with this. This wasn’t love. You don’t cheat on someone you leave. Get a therapist, lawyer up asap, and remove her from your life as best you can. You deserve better. There ARE better women for you. This isn’t the end of the world. Don’t give her chance to hurt you like this again, because she will, I can promise you that.
Or… if you really want to stay in this marriage (only for the bullshit excuse of having both parents in the house for your son) then sleep with someone else and get even with her.
This sounds manipulative AF. A partner shouldn't be upset with you for doing what you enjoy, unless that thing is self-destructive. You could try to talk things out but it might be better to just leave her.
You just tell him that you think he might be a great person, but right now you don’t think he can be a great person for you. It’s his responsibility to sort out his feelings and resolve his issues, not yours. You wish him luck, but obviously you met at a bad time. When he gets his life in order, if you’re available you might be open to giving him another opportunity, but at this time, you’re not willing to be a rebound relationship hoping things work out for the best.
Luckily only have to see them for weddings and funerals unless one of the grandparents call me in. I habe learnt to keep a low profile, but be there for my grandparents without the others. I have cousins that are upset how close I am to certain grandparents (ones that raised me, when my parents didn't bother), I'm treated as an equal to their children. So means my inheritance is bigger, personal I don't care if I have a trust from them or not. I just like having my special time with them recording their life stories. Once they pass away I don't have to keep in contact with any of the vultures. Just make sure the family money and items get placed back to the correct side for the next generation (I'm CF).
I work from home, so it’s easy with my schedule. I have a lot of flexibility with work, I can cook and work at the same time. If we are talking completely traditional then yeah I shouldn’t have to work, but we aren’t married, and I still want my own income. But the cooking I am happy to do as I love to cook, and it’s my love language. I obviously also don’t want to be taken advantage of, that’s why it rubbed me the wrong way that he expects me to take care of the cooking cleaning and managing the air bnb while paying $600. It’s just a tricky situation as $600 for a condo in the area of downtown Toronto by the water is very expensive. So it’s a great deal on rent, but in this situation, I don’t know if it’s fair as we are in a relationship and he has set the expectation that he enjoys being the provider and clearly makes ALOT more money than me.
I get yelled at because she's cranky and now she is mad because I'm not willing to accept such behavior
Both of your issues are much deeper than this. Honestly I would expect the ages to be 16 and 17 based on the story. Both of you are toxic and need to learn to communicate like adults
If you want to stay together try couples counseling. My opinion is you should break up and both go into individual therapy to work on yourselfs
Simply say ” I am just not feeling it anymore, we need to stop.” “Goodbye and have a happy and successful life”. Dont let him argue with you, end the call
Yeah I thought about it but I didn't want to come off like all cops were bad and could never have relationships. I already come off that way about age gaps. It's definitely part of the pattern here though, just like the age gap is.
When it’s time for them to leave you just stand up and say, “Well thanks for dropping by but it’s time for you guys to go.” And enlist your partners support in ushering them out. It’s your house too and you’re entitled to a say in who you entertain and how late.
Trust me, I’m trying. It’s not as easy as you think. Would you like to pay for me to move out? Or my first and last on a new rental for me and my kids? How about a lawyer? I’m not in a position to do all of that right now, but I am trying. If you’d like to help me get out, then please DM me.
Even if the threats are true what has changed
He still has the pics and therefore still has control
Move on , this was not the drama you signed up for
Call cps and get out of the situation. CPS will have a field day with the family allowing him near their children but also, he’s a child predator. Surely he won’t be allowed to reside in a household children go to or even on-line in?
Nope.
She's probably married and you're her new hard flavour of the week OP lmao. Don't let yourself get gaslighted.
So it seems like there are two options here. Stay or leave. What are the positives to staying? Is it worth it? Is he worth what you give up inside? What are the negatives? Can you manage those negatives?
So what if you go? What are those positives and negatives? Only you know these answers. Trust your gut on them.
How could you have seen your partner crying and looking upset at the spa and thought you had smoothed things over?
AND how could you have seen your partner this upset at the spa and still had a good time?
My husband had incorrect subject verb agreement, for instance saying “It don't matter” instead of “it doesn't matter.” For a while I tried to correct him. But eventually I decided it don't matter at all! I love him and his ways and he can talk anyway he wants to.
I suggest you just get used to it and accept it. If you can't, maybe you are being too shallow. Look at it this way, if that's his worst mistake, you landed a good one!
When I got married it was a gorgeous “lodge” aka there was a bedroom upstairs and downstairs was one big space and my closest friends spent the night. At the end of the night while we were all drinking and having fun. My DJ ended up staying 2 extra hours and setting up karaoke but after we were still having fun
We played truth or dare but there were no sexual things. My husband will never let me forget I licked the floor haha. That’s how “risky” our game was. I don’t get how an adult would be ok with doing this even if they were single.
Once the law is notified and involved, any escalation by Mary will only be to Mary's detriment.
While this is ture, but most redditors like to explain her emotion part but completely neglect OP's feeling. That's why it feels like they're justifying her actions.
I only assumed he wanted to talk it over and get back together because that’s what he told me. He told me he understood why I did the things I did and that he agrees with the fact that he wasn’t present and it would’ve made me feel lonely and unattached. I’m not saying what I did was right in any way because I feel guilty and disgusted with my own actions but again, he should’ve been the bigger person and remained honest about his intentions. It shows me he didn’t respect me just as much as I didn’t respect him.
Never underestimate the twin powers of momentum and poor executive function.
2 years really isn't that long. 2 years ago was 2021. I brush daily and have had toothpaste tubes last longer than that.
To wit: My parents took a decade between deciding the marriage was never going to work and finalizing their divorce. They lived in separate parts of the US (Mid-Atlantic v Northern Mid West) had mostly separate finances, and relatively busy lives. Technically, there were affairs, as they started dating around year 8 or so, but it was just unfinished paperwork at that point. (My brother and I were in our 20s when the divorce became final.)
Later, when my father moved back to the Mid Atlantic, they went on double dates, occasionally went square dancing together, were at each other's second weddings, my father sat with family at my step-father's funeral, and my mother did likewise when my father died.
Less dramatic, but it took my ex Fiance and I over 2 years of momentum to break up. She ended up Best Dame when I got married several years later, and I was one of the 10 people at hers (the 3 surviving parents, one of whom was the celebrant, 2 siblings, me, another friend, and a teddy bear).
If this person is the love of your life, then let them be the love of your life. Nothing can change that. You don't have to tell them, you don't have to marry them, you don't have to do anything other than let them be the love of your life
No, honey. You made it clear that you believe that to be the case. But your belief is not the same thing as fact, and this anecdote does not prove what you think it proves
They were a couple before you showed up. You obviously started out as the gap-filler. Being more than that was bound to take time, and it seems you're not out of that stage yet. The question is, Are you getting enough satisfaction from this relationship to stick with it? Nobody but you knows the answer.
He is just using you for whatever reason. He will never love you or respect you, please move on you deserve better.
Treat them like petulant toddlers. Put them in a time out when they do this next time.
So next time they do it (and there will be a next time), they get one warning, after which you walk out of the door. Doesn't matter if it's in the middle of dinner. Doesn't matter if they have other guests. Just get up and leave, but also telling them (especially if they have other guests) why you're leaving. Don't get emotional about it. Just something like: “we talked about this. If you can't manage one evening without insulting me, I am leaving.”
Make sure your partner is on board and supportive. Your parents need to see a united front from both of you. If you're partner isn't supportive, well, that's a whole separate issue to deal with.
Then cut off contact with them for a period of time – long enough that they notice – say a month for the first offence, then see if things improve. If not, next time it's two months, rinse and repeat.
And ultimately, if they can't learn to be decent, civilised people, at least in your presence, then think carefully about whether you want them in your lives at all.
I know they're our parents and it's damned hard to cut them out completely, but sometimes, that is genuinely the best thing we can do for our own mental health.
You’ve already talked to him. Give him a heads-up on the divorce and he’s just going to try to make leaving difficult for you.
Did said best friend corroborate your wife is bringing him over to play, or did you take your wife at her word?
If I were a betting man, I would wager quite a bit on him agreeing to marry her so that he could have sex with her.
So your ex waited until he was in a stable relationship, financially secure, and is now actively trying for a baby with his wife, but you somehow think you have the moral high ground here because you told your daughter as soon as you got randomly pregnant?
By that logic, your ex doesn't have anything to o tell your daughter yet, because his wife isn't pregnant yet.
Sounds like a heaping bowl of none of your business.
i already apologized for my wrong doings and admitted i was wrong. i am committed to changing but they just keep on slandering me. don't you think it's a little to much?
The dude's 20, he just doesn't know how to maturely act to an upsetting situation. I think it's a bit much to call him an asshole because he said she looks like an idiot, in the grand scheme of things that's a pretty tame insult compared to your average 20 year old.
I can see why you might think it’s gross that a 30-year-old was with a teenager. Unfortunately, you’ll get a lot of comments from certain men saying it’s perfectly fine. I honestly would feel pretty grossed out if I found this out too. It’s not like it’s been years or some thing. It just shows weird judgment.
You don’t deserve this. You don’t have to put up with this. This wasn’t love. You don’t cheat on someone you leave. Get a therapist, lawyer up asap, and remove her from your life as best you can. You deserve better. There ARE better women for you. This isn’t the end of the world. Don’t give her chance to hurt you like this again, because she will, I can promise you that.
Or… if you really want to stay in this marriage (only for the bullshit excuse of having both parents in the house for your son) then sleep with someone else and get even with her.
This sounds manipulative AF. A partner shouldn't be upset with you for doing what you enjoy, unless that thing is self-destructive. You could try to talk things out but it might be better to just leave her.
You just tell him that you think he might be a great person, but right now you don’t think he can be a great person for you. It’s his responsibility to sort out his feelings and resolve his issues, not yours. You wish him luck, but obviously you met at a bad time. When he gets his life in order, if you’re available you might be open to giving him another opportunity, but at this time, you’re not willing to be a rebound relationship hoping things work out for the best.
You stole my words. How can someone even ask this?
Luckily only have to see them for weddings and funerals unless one of the grandparents call me in. I habe learnt to keep a low profile, but be there for my grandparents without the others. I have cousins that are upset how close I am to certain grandparents (ones that raised me, when my parents didn't bother), I'm treated as an equal to their children. So means my inheritance is bigger, personal I don't care if I have a trust from them or not. I just like having my special time with them recording their life stories. Once they pass away I don't have to keep in contact with any of the vultures. Just make sure the family money and items get placed back to the correct side for the next generation (I'm CF).
I work from home, so it’s easy with my schedule. I have a lot of flexibility with work, I can cook and work at the same time. If we are talking completely traditional then yeah I shouldn’t have to work, but we aren’t married, and I still want my own income. But the cooking I am happy to do as I love to cook, and it’s my love language. I obviously also don’t want to be taken advantage of, that’s why it rubbed me the wrong way that he expects me to take care of the cooking cleaning and managing the air bnb while paying $600. It’s just a tricky situation as $600 for a condo in the area of downtown Toronto by the water is very expensive. So it’s a great deal on rent, but in this situation, I don’t know if it’s fair as we are in a relationship and he has set the expectation that he enjoys being the provider and clearly makes ALOT more money than me.
I get yelled at because she's cranky and now she is mad because I'm not willing to accept such behavior
Both of your issues are much deeper than this. Honestly I would expect the ages to be 16 and 17 based on the story. Both of you are toxic and need to learn to communicate like adults
If you want to stay together try couples counseling. My opinion is you should break up and both go into individual therapy to work on yourselfs
Here's the thing – you're losing precious time over someone who's a bad fit for you. No matter how resilient you are, you can't get back your time.
You have to be the one to break up.
Simply say ” I am just not feeling it anymore, we need to stop.” “Goodbye and have a happy and successful life”. Dont let him argue with you, end the call
Then stop talking to him. Block if you have too.
Yeah I thought about it but I didn't want to come off like all cops were bad and could never have relationships. I already come off that way about age gaps. It's definitely part of the pattern here though, just like the age gap is.
Nope. Changing her status does not bump her up the line.
Either Mark lied about what he said, or she believed that you would cause trouble by being there, based on Mark being honest.
All these 'old fashioned' guys want the perks of a SAHW but also want the perks of 2 incomes. It doesn't work that way.
Awesome, thanks for your feedback!
When it’s time for them to leave you just stand up and say, “Well thanks for dropping by but it’s time for you guys to go.” And enlist your partners support in ushering them out. It’s your house too and you’re entitled to a say in who you entertain and how late.
Yeah wtf is he asking for in bed that is heinous enough for her to do this lmao
Pffft, whatever you say champ
Yeah, no matter what the real story is, he’s throwing red flags left, right, and center.
thanks for the advice
Trust me, I’m trying. It’s not as easy as you think. Would you like to pay for me to move out? Or my first and last on a new rental for me and my kids? How about a lawyer? I’m not in a position to do all of that right now, but I am trying. If you’d like to help me get out, then please DM me.