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Marie and Tom, 21 y.o.
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OP its not a competition between the good and bad aspects of this relationship, he is just being as abusive as he possibly can without getting charged/left/other people calling him out.
Almost all abusive relationships have “good” moments because otherwise people would be gone yesterday, but the reality is these good moments probably aren't actually that great, just your bar will have been pushed so low its just a relief not to be directly abused.
>I have no access to money and never have done. He won’t allow a joint account, so essentially I ask for money. My wages are transferred into his bank account.
This isn't even remotely OK – my 7 year old child has better access to his own money than this
> but if he has to he will only make himself and the kids food
Come-on OP what possible explanation could this have other than profound disrespect??
Sorry the reality is that this is 100% abusive because its clear as day to internet strangers, but you've been gaslit and manipulated so much that your perspective is that someone that is decent and loving CAN do these things.
OP its not a competition between the good and bad aspects of this relationship, he is just being as abusive as he possibly can without getting charged/left/other people calling him out.
Almost all abusive relationships have “good” moments because otherwise people would be gone yesterday, but the reality is these good moments probably aren't actually that great, just your bar will have been pushed so low its just a relief not to be directly abused.
>I have no access to money and never have done. He won’t allow a joint account, so essentially I ask for money. My wages are transferred into his bank account.
This isn't even remotely OK – my 7 year old child has better access to his own money than this
> but if he has to he will only make himself and the kids food
Come-on OP what possible explanation could this have other than profound disrespect??
Sorry the reality is that this is 100% abusive because its clear as day to internet strangers, but you've been gaslit and manipulated so much that your perspective is that someone that is decent and loving CAN do these things.
“connected with the little Rascal” ??
You seem like a really nice person but honestly I don’t think this relationship has much future. She is shopping for a dad and you just want a partner.
Break it off before you and the kid get attached further and avoid causing family trauma. From the post and replies it doesn’t seem like a good situation for you.
He says sex makes him feel loved by me and he definitely was counting down the seconds until she left so we could resume activities but I make him feel loved in so many different ways by cleaning and cooking all his meals.
Does he get the same feeling of love from those things? Is acts of service one of his top love languages? It's possible he'd very happily give up those things (and do them for you instead) if he had a choice of those things or sex.
It's possible he's seeing the sudden shift in not prioritizing sex as rejection from you.
He's certainly not going about communicating things the right way, but that doesn't mean you should ignore the issue altogether.
5.5” is nothing to be ashamed about. She’s got some crazy expectations.
Your wife is having a psychosis episode, she needs immediate psychiatric help. Stimulants can induce psychosis, it could also have nothing to do with the stimulants tho. Post-partum psychosis exists too. If she smokes weed, it could induce psychosis as well. Regardless pf the source, she needs psychiatric help RIGHT NOW!
He wouldn’t go for it he doesn’t like Ohio much, or my family they are lil out there. Also he would just be in the situation I’m in no family, friends etc. i just feel awful for this being my reason i don’t want him to feel inadequate
Did you talk to him about that? That is inappropriate and sounds like he is in love with her.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers too. While size may matter to some, for most women it’s more about what you can do with it and your oral skills
I struggle still. “Happy” is a goal for me that I havn't achieved yet. But I do have something else; Hope. Opportunity. I have something to look forward to instead of that dull feeling of complacency, if that makes sense. I might not reach my dream relationship, but I am so glad that I am giving myself the chance to try.
Is the shared hobby….. this lady?
He hasn’t responded to me since I sent my last message to him, where in sum I said i couldn’t stay friends with him because its too hurtful, it’s hurtful that he appears to be okay and completely unfazed by the breakup while i’m not, and that i wish him well on everything, that he and his puppy and family are all happy and healthy, and that after his exam (which is end of February, so 3 months from now) we can talk and revisit the idea of friendship after everything has passed and i’ve had some time completely away from him.
He never responded since. So i deleted everything. He wont call or text me unless I reach out to him first. He is too prideful to call me suddenly because he missed me or whatever. But i feel that completely blocking his number is cruel. I dont have it memorized, there is no way for me to get it again.
Unfortunately this is my life. I wish it were different.
It was the “her voice was shaking when asking me to follow her” for me.
This. You text him and tell him it’s over and that you are blocking him. You tell him if he comes to your house you will call the police. Then you follow through on both.
You reach out and get your mental health support.
It’s very hot, but it’s also that simple.
Try this: “This isn't a breakup. I am dumping you. This is not a debate. I don't want you in my life anymore.” Then ghost his ass.
You think you can build long term with someone you don't trust and love in a weird way? The validation your looking for your not going to get.This “back together” has bad idea written all over it and your going to be the loser if you go through with it. Let it go and focus on your life and future,this woman is not part of your future.
If I may ask, what age range do you usually date? That could certainly factor in too.
You need to let this man go. He doesn’t want a future with you. He is planning time to be single and seek out younger partners. He already told you there is someone he has in mind that his friends are encouraging him to hook with. You’re wasting time on a relationship that you have to convince him to keep with you. That is living in a false sense of reality. Don’t give him both worlds. Let him go stay in the world he’s chasing after.
Well at least she has that gift that keeps giving…
And why would that be?
Even then. There are a weirdly high proportion of people out there who believe that food allergies “aren't real.”
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People who genuinely care about you will want to show you off. It sounds like this person has kept you hidden from everyone important in their life. That’s a very telling choice. You deserve to be treated more than just a dirty little secret. Don’t you want to be with someone who wants to be with you?
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So what's stopping you from asking him why you can't join him?
yikes! you aren’t gonna have a son anymore soon!
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Cut contact and just move on and better yourself.
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thank you for the advice! at first i thought i would be okay with it but its non stop talking about it now, i just dont want him to leave me over this but at the same time i dont know if i can put myself in that position, he doesnt know my full opinion on it yet bc ive been avoiding the question since hes been talking about it bc we really only talk about it while we are having sex but idk how to bring it up to him outside of the bedroom to let him know im not comfortable with it
You are a grown ass woman, stop attaching your self worth to whether or not men want to fuck you. Are you smart? Kind? Do you out your grocery cart back? These are much better measure of who you are than “Does this loser want to get in my pants?”
He's married
Well honestly, you probably need therapy. Do I think it’s cool to lie to your partner? No. But if he was a past smoker and you “forbid” it, you’re not exactly setting yourself up for success. People don’t want their partners to police them and will lie. Children do the same thing. Not that he shouldn’t act more grown but it literally what happens when you pin people in a corner.
If infidelity was his issue I would tell you that he is going to do it again and be sneaky again. If smoking is his issue, he’s going to lie to you about it. If smoking is dealbreaker, break up with him because he might struggle much longer than you care to deal with.
Basically, trying to force anyone to do anything is a pretty useless tactic. You have to love people despite their flaws. If you want total honesty, you have to accept those flaws as well. You dont get to set up rules and be mad they aren’t directly followed. They have to want to follow them on their own. Healthy relationship are not built on control but rather mutual agreement.
As for you blowing up about smaller lies, that’s a big issue. You’re projecting past relationships onto the current one which is actually pretty unfair to your partner. Down the road, he could possibly tell you something accidentally not knowing it is a lie and you perceive it as a intentional one, and suddenly your going off the rails rather than hearing them out. Thats not healthy for you or him. I would highly suggest you get some help for yourself so you don’t ruin every relationship you ever have. But again, thats up to you, entirely.
I think there are things you can say that you can't put back in the box. Telling a partner you want to sleep with other people is one of them.
If it's something you really want or need then it's not something you can always go without saying, but you can't hide from the ramifications of this kind of statement. Even if OP had said “Yes” it's a huge risk for the relationship. All sorts of things go wrong from there.
I guess the way we view the question she asked isn't the key issue. No one in this thread thinks she's going to be faithful. Not even OP really thinks that. That's the point – he can either accept her for that or reject her but neither of them should be under any illusions about it.
I think I have known for a long time that I am in a controlling relationship but I don't talk to anyone about our marriage (again, we share friends and family and I don't want them to think ill of her)
Be honest, it's because you know they'll tell you to leave her and that you should have done it years ago. I get the fear of the unknown but you need to start living your own life, you can't keep going like this.
Strangers on the internet are not going to know what her triggers are. Crohns is complicated and it varies widely in severity. Need to go through ingredients and ask her health provider.
I would dump her. If she wants to act like a child, she will be treated like a child. And I don't date children.
Dont reject her unless you have to.
Be vague and evasive. Youre really busy right now but maybe in a few months.
Scam Jesus Dude. Scam
Buy her a bunch of cleaning products and tell her the house is dirty and to start cleaning.
Take this experience as a shining example of the kind of person to avoid for the rest of your life. Start with the fact that she tells you she is using her ex and go down the mountain of red flags from there.
Send the ex-GF a letter saying that you are breaking up and you never want her to contact you again.
Your parents sound like they're really good; move in with them for a while so that you can get back on your feet.
Sit him down. Tell him that while your ex did make you come, it wasnt whats important in a relationship. He lacked of …… and ….. (dont know your ex so fill in the gaps by your own).
And sex with him (your current bf) is something you wouldnt change. Because you are happy. Try tonshow him. I think he is stuck in his head
Although I completely respect that OP has a boundary and this troubles her, I do find it a bit harsh to put the blame (or blame anyone, really) on her partner.
Masturbation and how people masturbate is a personal act. If done in private (and without it being illegal) it's nobody's business how you masturbate.
OP and her partner are simply incompatible in this area. I don't think her partner doesn't care about OP, I believe he finds it an unreasonable request. Being relatively young as well it's probably a sensitive topic for him. Being shamed for your masturbation is always a very hot blow.
I dumped a guy for having different dietary requirements. I was vegan, he was not. I thought we could make it work but we couldn't. He knew it bothered me but he was never required to stop eating meat because it made me uncomfortable. He had his way of doing things and so did I. Neither of us were bad people for our choices. Just incompatible. By your logic he should've stopped just because it made me uncomfortable. That's unreasonable.
The solution here is to either enforce or relax her boundary. It's not forcing her partner to be unhappy so she can feel better. Likely this means breaking up. Possibly this means sex therapy.
I understand that there's a whole conversation around whether or not porn should be “okay” and I recognise how it often affects people and their sex lifes. But OP can't force her opinions on someone. He needs to make up his mind about it himself and find someone that shares his beliefs.
Look dude, I literally already stated that. I literally stated i DONT NEED these comments. I know I shouldn’t have looked, I did:)
However I do think its a problem my boyfriend was messaging other men while in a relationship with me. The conversations didn’t go farther on the other persons end because they didnt respond to my boyfriend, but I would classify messaging anyone sexually is a boundary.
I am also allowed to he curious about this porn I found when its quite a taboo kink, especially when again hes messaging other men.
Do you disagree on things like “this group of people should have the same rights as everyone else” or “the way our taxes are allocated aren’t ideal”?
The advice you need has already been written for you, by one of the greatest mathematical thinkers in history. Put “beautiful mind blonde” in a youtube search. The only way that you both win and both maintain your friendship is by NOT doing anything, you both don't go for the girl. You both win.
Nono I don't want him to get one, I just asked his opinion on it.
We need better sex education in schools. What did either of you think was going to happen? He is responsible for helping raise his child if you should keep it. You need to tell him. There is no way to sugarcoat it
Can you not make the bed?
I didn't live there or anything. I was watching the dogs for my mom and he moved out recently and my parents were going thru a divorce. I went snooping in hopes of finding stuff for my mom to use against him. Never expected what I found.
No reason to be sorry about it. I'm just pissed he didn't get in trouble. I never would've thought they'd let it go. I mean, nudist material? Really?
Every time he looked you in the eyes for the last three months, he lied to you. He lied to you every day for the last three months because he was continuously betraying you, keeping a devastating secret, and by hooking up with your friend, also actively tearing you and your friend apart.
That is not a good guy, that is a good liar. He is dangerously good if you want so badly to ignore the fact he has lied to you every day for three months.
I think the reason people are saying he probably was cheating on you this whole time is because he has no problem sleeping with your FRIEND, while living a false life right in front of you, why would he not sleep with other people earlier on in the relationship while he doesn't even have to look at you and lie to your face to do it.
His moral values and respect for you are completely nonexistent, as proof by his actions, not his words. that is why people are saying he would have already cheated on you before this. Someone who is willing to commit such a harmful act against you so easily, and look at you and tell you they love you, cannot be believed or trusted for anything.
People who are willing to cheat in the manner he has are also willing to lie and manipulate you. that is what he has done.
If millions of Americans can find a way to understand all the rules, so can they
A lot of them are, but that doesn't mean your BF necessarily is.
It’s more to the story than that honestly I feel like she didn’t settle but rather found her soul mate in me and found something “else” in him
'We went to a restaurant and he kept trying to go and talk to the waitress first ' This is the reason you think he's going to cheat on you?
Are you aware of the concept of a 'self-fulfilling prophesy'? The more paranoid/anxious and controlling you are the more likely you are to drive him away, possibly to someone who does in fact trust this apparently entirely trustworthy man.
Try counselling.
The level of rage in arguments is the real issue here. Punches the car? One day that’s going to be you.
You good???
To put another perspective on this, that is not very likely: what if she is going to take sexy pictures at a photographer and surprise you? Do you have an anniversary or birthday coming up soon?
That would have been my reason to pack such things. I mean she didn’t tried to hide it all that well?
Has it always been like this? If so, it sounds like sensory processing disorder and or autism.
If no health issues, he is trying to control and manipulate you.
I get that I know I was wrong for that I just said sorry to her and we made up
It was about the other comment when you said. I've watched over her a few times before so I was just saying ur original comment is untrue that's the point I was trying to get across I'm not arguing with u or anyone else anymore