You don't want to talk about his addiction but those two things can't be separated – you are living with an alcoholic. Even if it's not impacting you now it will. Being strict and honest is necessary.
Stop wasting your time with this guy and find someone who is equally mature/independent.
His parents raised him to be a spoiled man-baby. You are (rightfully) agitated about having to teach him about “adulting.” He is definitely using the weaponized incompetence strategy, hoping you will get so irritated by his questions that you will just take over and do it yourself.
Together with how you said you had to beg him for a key to the ap you were living him, he is just being his controlling, abusive self.
Seriously, there are red flags in pretty much all you shared. Run for the hills, if not for your own sake, then for the daughter he will no doubt tyrannize as much as he is you. Things will only get worse otherwise. At least look up the cycle of abuse and try to see all the things he does from an outside perspective, like if your best friend or sister told you these things about her relationship, would you really tell her that he will change and she should just stay with him?
Hey thanks for your comment, personally I wouldn't feel comfortable having a threesome with someone I didn't care about or know as there's alot of diseases out there and I wouldn't expose myself or my partner to that sort of risk. I would only do something intimate with someone I trust (I'm not interested in fucking strangers)
Reality is that if she has already allowed it to get so far she actively wants to sleep with him she's basically already cheating. You giving it your blessing doesn't take away from it, just means she can do it and not even have to pretend to humour her dynamic with you.
The damage is done. In a lot of ways the actual physical consummation of cheating isn't really the significant part. It was the dozens, hundreds, thousands of bad choices made prior to that leading to the situation. And she messaged you every day. She knew the boundaries she was crossing. And I don't think you'll ever really forget that.
Seems like pretty normal bro behaviour, sharing it with the hommies is a timehonoured tradition. I don't really see what the problem here is, hard things are very hot, who doesn't want to look at hard things….
Only problem I se here is that you aren't appreciating the nude things…. Kinda sad, I'd probably get in on that, have a direct inside scoop of what's nude on a daily basis.
Yeah look he isn't being a partner to you, stop sacrificing everything for him when he doesn't give a shit about you. But don't just let him go either, hold him to account for paying adequate child support and a divorce settlement/alimony for your trouble. Quite frankly people like that deserve to be punished a little.
That is not a trust exercise it is step one of gaining control over you. Using the term trust exercise immediately made me think of Keith Ranery and NXIVM.
The brother only told his parents, who went on to tell a bunch of other people who then went and told everyone.
Like I said, it’s not that the friends are causing anything with family. It’s that he was the last person I expected to just tell people without asking me despite knowing how upsetting it was that people just blatantly ignored our requests not to tell anyone else. It wasn’t like he waited until recently to tell them. It was right at the beginning when I was just finding out that the news was spreading like wildfire in his family, and before I’d told a single person on my side.
You had all the physical power in that situation. YOU chose not to end it without her surrendering. Forcing her to surrender to you when you had her pinned to the ground is disturbing.
I don't know why I thought it was a good idea
This is exactly why I'm telling you to do some introspection here. It's going to be nude for her to trust that you won't do something like this again if you can't even recognize what led you to do it in the first place.
The only excuse I have is that I had an unusually bad feeling that something bad would happen to her that night.
Well, that prediction certainly came true. Time to sit with yourself and have an honest look inside.
When your values are so different you end up resenting him, you are somewhat towards that already. A healthy relationship is communication, respect, honesty and trust. Which do you have with him?
He lives in the moment and you are not, he will live! with not paying for what he needs and you are stressing about it instead. That isn't a long term relationship that you can sustain.
Get all of your important paperwork and leave. I would have said call a lawyer first but you’ve already threatened to leave so you’ve given him notice. You should still contact a lawyer . Can you take any pets with you ?
Because OP may have abuse, neglect and/or abandonment issues in her background that have knocked her self-esteem on its head and made her unable to see what is healthy in a relationship, and what is not.
She is one of so MANY posters we see here who would rather be with somebody…anybody…no matter how horrible or disrespectful…than be alone.
Her damaged self-esteem issues are ones that she needs to work out herself – with the help of a therapist.
Honestly…why would he send them to another woman who is in a committed relationship? No other human being can help him rate a song? I say 95% sure these are for you.
Here's a pro tip- don't discuss the ups and downs of your love life or partner with a friend of a gender you date. With any friend, you have to walk the line between needing help and advice, and trashing your partner or disclosing private information with them, but especially with a friend who is someone whose gender you would date and vice versa. That's how almost every emotional affair starts. The one person tells the other about their problems and complaints about their partner, and then they get all warm and happy from having someone validate their complaints, and it becomes a direct comparison between your partner's actions, and how the new person tells you they would act. And the person doing all the bashing here can pretend it's not the start of anything because their argument is “I can't be doing anything wrong if I am telling them I have a partner.”
TLDR You’re treating her badly, and it’s her fault. Because someone else treats her badly.
Is that what you’ve come up with?
Do you think you should be worried?
You don't want to talk about his addiction but those two things can't be separated – you are living with an alcoholic. Even if it's not impacting you now it will. Being strict and honest is necessary.
Nice creative writing
How in the world would you think that this is something someone would write when they just see you as a friend?
Ask. him. out.
… And tell us how it went!
Stop wasting your time with this guy and find someone who is equally mature/independent.
His parents raised him to be a spoiled man-baby. You are (rightfully) agitated about having to teach him about “adulting.” He is definitely using the weaponized incompetence strategy, hoping you will get so irritated by his questions that you will just take over and do it yourself.
“She started crying”I didn’t mean that!”” Lol guaranteed she did.
Together with how you said you had to beg him for a key to the ap you were living him, he is just being his controlling, abusive self.
Seriously, there are red flags in pretty much all you shared. Run for the hills, if not for your own sake, then for the daughter he will no doubt tyrannize as much as he is you. Things will only get worse otherwise. At least look up the cycle of abuse and try to see all the things he does from an outside perspective, like if your best friend or sister told you these things about her relationship, would you really tell her that he will change and she should just stay with him?
Hey thanks for your comment, personally I wouldn't feel comfortable having a threesome with someone I didn't care about or know as there's alot of diseases out there and I wouldn't expose myself or my partner to that sort of risk. I would only do something intimate with someone I trust (I'm not interested in fucking strangers)
Opening up a dynamic is one thing.
Asking permission to cheat is another.
Reality is that if she has already allowed it to get so far she actively wants to sleep with him she's basically already cheating. You giving it your blessing doesn't take away from it, just means she can do it and not even have to pretend to humour her dynamic with you.
The damage is done. In a lot of ways the actual physical consummation of cheating isn't really the significant part. It was the dozens, hundreds, thousands of bad choices made prior to that leading to the situation. And she messaged you every day. She knew the boundaries she was crossing. And I don't think you'll ever really forget that.
Seems like pretty normal bro behaviour, sharing it with the hommies is a timehonoured tradition. I don't really see what the problem here is, hard things are very hot, who doesn't want to look at hard things….
Only problem I se here is that you aren't appreciating the nude things…. Kinda sad, I'd probably get in on that, have a direct inside scoop of what's nude on a daily basis.
Yeah look he isn't being a partner to you, stop sacrificing everything for him when he doesn't give a shit about you. But don't just let him go either, hold him to account for paying adequate child support and a divorce settlement/alimony for your trouble. Quite frankly people like that deserve to be punished a little.
Huzzah! So glad to see you stood your ground!
Seriously, though, that two months could have been avoided with an honest conversation and he blew it.
That is not a trust exercise it is step one of gaining control over you. Using the term trust exercise immediately made me think of Keith Ranery and NXIVM.
Some aunts and uncles, his sister to name a few.
The brother only told his parents, who went on to tell a bunch of other people who then went and told everyone.
Like I said, it’s not that the friends are causing anything with family. It’s that he was the last person I expected to just tell people without asking me despite knowing how upsetting it was that people just blatantly ignored our requests not to tell anyone else. It wasn’t like he waited until recently to tell them. It was right at the beginning when I was just finding out that the news was spreading like wildfire in his family, and before I’d told a single person on my side.
You had all the physical power in that situation. YOU chose not to end it without her surrendering. Forcing her to surrender to you when you had her pinned to the ground is disturbing.
I don't know why I thought it was a good idea
This is exactly why I'm telling you to do some introspection here. It's going to be nude for her to trust that you won't do something like this again if you can't even recognize what led you to do it in the first place.
The only excuse I have is that I had an unusually bad feeling that something bad would happen to her that night.
Well, that prediction certainly came true. Time to sit with yourself and have an honest look inside.
Personally, I couldn’t deal if my BF had banged six of my sorority sisters. I’d say if it’s still bothering you, then she’s not “the one.”
I respect that. Would you say if I’m ever feeling something similar to this again, to just keep it to myself?
I feel like she is confused. You are in a relationship, not master and servant. I would take this as a giant red flag flapping in the wind.
When your values are so different you end up resenting him, you are somewhat towards that already. A healthy relationship is communication, respect, honesty and trust. Which do you have with him?
He lives in the moment and you are not, he will live! with not paying for what he needs and you are stressing about it instead. That isn't a long term relationship that you can sustain.
Be truthful with yourself, what is it you want?
Block her. And never unblock her again. Delete all her data.
Under no whatsoever pretence!
Don't answer calls without caller ID.
Get all of your important paperwork and leave. I would have said call a lawyer first but you’ve already threatened to leave so you’ve given him notice. You should still contact a lawyer . Can you take any pets with you ?
Because OP may have abuse, neglect and/or abandonment issues in her background that have knocked her self-esteem on its head and made her unable to see what is healthy in a relationship, and what is not.
She is one of so MANY posters we see here who would rather be with somebody…anybody…no matter how horrible or disrespectful…than be alone.
Her damaged self-esteem issues are ones that she needs to work out herself – with the help of a therapist.
I needed to hear this in my own therapy journey.
Thank you for explaining why I still feel called to go even though life is “mostly happy”.
Plus, my therapist can sometimes spot my depression slipping in before I can, and that is life-saving
Honestly…why would he send them to another woman who is in a committed relationship? No other human being can help him rate a song? I say 95% sure these are for you.
Here's a pro tip- don't discuss the ups and downs of your love life or partner with a friend of a gender you date. With any friend, you have to walk the line between needing help and advice, and trashing your partner or disclosing private information with them, but especially with a friend who is someone whose gender you would date and vice versa. That's how almost every emotional affair starts. The one person tells the other about their problems and complaints about their partner, and then they get all warm and happy from having someone validate their complaints, and it becomes a direct comparison between your partner's actions, and how the new person tells you they would act. And the person doing all the bashing here can pretend it's not the start of anything because their argument is “I can't be doing anything wrong if I am telling them I have a partner.”